Saturday Night
With the money and phone taken care of, my burden bag feels a lot lighter. The worries about Mom and sis never go away, but at least they have some money in the bank now and a phone on the way in the mail. No, the worry never goes completely away, but I've done all I know to do. Part of me feels guilty for being so happy — here I am trying on some of my new clothes and getting ready to go out — I guess it's a date? Just the realization of this is almost like a dream — I've come so far in such a short time. Part of me still wants to say no — no, I'm not gay. Aaron's words come back to mind; 'I'm more bi than gay.' I think that fits me better too. Just because I've never found the right girl doesn't mean I don't want to — I jack-off looking at them in porn. But I love what Aaron and I have — and I love him, I feel it.
"So have you decided what to wear tonight?"
"Not really, so many options I can't decide. But I was thinking about what you said how you're bisexual and not gay — I think that's me too. I like girls and think they're beautiful. And I also like you and think you're beautiful. Doesn't that make me bisexual?"
"I think it makes you whatever you feel inside. There's no on and off switch, there's no magic line to cross. But if you think women are arousing, then I wouldn't disagree that you're bisexual. Have you ever had sex with a woman?"
"No, not really. But I jerk off to porn with men and women, or lesbians — but I also jerk off to gay and bi stuff."
"Why don't we just say that both of us are open minded and willing to explore, eh?"
"I think that sounds perfect."
It's obvious that there is an open wound from something that makes him feel that being gay is terribly wrong. Maybe in time he'll open up more and we can bury all of that. I could care less what we call this we've been given, I just see it as a beautiful gift. "Don't worry about the labels Shannon, just look inside and let your feelings and intuition be your guides."
"I know you're right — I've just heard so much bad talk ... it's hard to make it shut up sometimes."
"Don't try to fight what's inside Babe, I think just go with the flow awhile — meet some new people, like tonight. It takes some time to settle into a new life. Just follow your feelings, I think they'll guide you onto the right path "
"I'm going to do that Aaron. I'm not letting anyone make me be someone I'm not."
"Does that include yourself Shannon? Make sure it's not your own negative thoughts and fears that make the decisions. Here, try this on with this shirt."
Aaron has once again said all the right words to chase away my doubts — and I know it's more than my doubts, it's also the ceaseless negative narrative that I've heard at home and school for so long. I just need to accept that those people will never accept me if I go down this path— and I can't change that. And really, if they have the right to not accept me — then I have the right to not accept them.
"Now I like that combo! That shirt goes perfect with those pants. Let's see the undies again, just in case your pants accidentally happen to come off at the club tonight"
Aaron pulls me back into his world and I smile as I unbutton my pants for him. I watch his eyes and the smile on his face as I pull them down for him.
"Wow! They're sure making some sexy underwear now — when I was younger it was mostly cotton and drab colored briefs."
"It does feel good to have these clothes on — I really can't thank you enough for all you've done for me."
"I've enjoyed it Babe. You've brightened up my life, so I need to thank you too."
***
The drive out to the C & s Club took about forty minutes. The club is in a lovely area and looks rather lonely except for the number of cars and pickup trucks in the gravel parking area. I can feel my nerves build up as the big moment draws closer — I'm already glad that Aaron elected to postpone my initiation on-stage until another night. I want to do it ... just not tonight.
"Well, it ain't much ... but it's ours. Welcome to the Cock & suckers Club."
"Thank you for bringing me. This should be interesting."
"I think you'll like it. Come on, let's go see what's happening tonight. Looks like a good crowd."
The moment we walk through the front door, the overall joviality of the crowd makes it feel welcoming. There's a good number of men inside, but it doesn't feel crowded. As my eyes adjust to the dimmer lighting, I begin to consciously try to pick out the Cocks from the cocksuckers — it doesn't take long to see a pattern of more masculine men and the men who are followers — the cocksuckers like me. I see one man on his knees giving a blowjob right out in plain view and he's actually pretty muscular. I guess it's only natural that cocksuckers come in all sizes and shapes. But I notice that a lot of the cocksuckers tend to stay close to their man, just like I'm doing with Aaron. The clothes too tell part of the story for many couples, the cocksuckers dress a little nicer while many of the Cocks are in jeans and more plain attire. But there's no real pattern it seems — I guess I was expecting a more obvious distinction between the Cocks and the suckers. Still, I'm glad Aaron bought me these nicer clothes and he himself is the best looking of all the Cocks I've seen so far. That he is leading me around by the hand to greet many of his friends clearly marks me as a cocksucker, and this stirs within me an oddly arousing feeling that I now recognize as submissiveness. I soak it up and notice the eyes of many of the Cocks as they check me out — my first thought is that this must be how a pretty woman feels on her man's arm as all the other men ogle her. My second thought is an unexpected feeling of being proud — proud of being Arron's possession and proud that other men are looking at me knowing that I'm Aaron's cocksucker. I never imagined it would feel like this to be openly out ... the feelings of that sweet humiliation stir my arousal as Aaron leads me around and introduces me to his friends.
After a round of greetings, Aaron leads me toward a table where another nice looking masculine man is sitting with someone who is obviously a cocksucker like me. They both see him and smile their welcome as the cocksucker scoots his chair closer to the big man to make room for us.
"Hi Carl, how are you and Tony doing?" Aaron asks.
"We're both doing great Aaron, and who is this pretty young fellow you've brought?"
"I'd like you both to meet Shannon and make him feel at home here." Turning to me he says. "Shannon, this is Carl and this young man here is Tony. Carl and Tony were the very first ones to get on the stage there and share their relationship with us. They're sort of legends around here."
"Oh, poof! Don't you believe it Shannon. Without Aaron, there wouldn't even be a clubhouse at all. You two want a beer?"
"Sure, I'm pretty parched."
"Tony, why don't you take young Shannon here and go get us all something to drink. You can show Shannon around if you want."
"Are there any folks planning to be onstage tonight Carl?"
"Yeah, Brad Winston has a new cocksucker who wants to display his devotion. You've missed several new couples who've joined recently. Heck, there may also be some impromptu demonstrations — you know how that goes, one couple gets the fire burning in someone who's watching. How about you, is Shannon getting on his knees tonight?"
"We've talked about it and he wants to. But to be honest, I don't think he's quite ready — still has some things to work out in his head first ... you know the story."
"Yeah, sadly I do. But we both know it's harder on the cocksuckers to accept their desires than it is for us who get their service."
"That's true. Thankfully Shannon is really smart and he thinks things through — so far he's put all the pieces together and I think he's turned that corner from denial to acceptance of what he wants. It's good to see you and Tony are going strong."
"Yeah, don't say anything to anyone, but we've been talking about what it would be like to make it official. It's a big step for us both 'cause both of our families are in the dark about our relationship."
"Sounds like you and Tony are having some of the same kinds of talks as Shannon and I have been having. We haven't actually said the word marriage, but we've talked about the importance of being open and true about who we are. Living here in such a progressive place makes it easier, but it's still not all smooth sailing for anyone."
"Speaking of those two, I think we might have gotten dumped — weren't they supposed to bring us a couple of beers?"
"Now that you mention it, I think you might be right Carl. But honestly, I hope Tony shows him around a bit and introduces him to some of the other cocksuckers so he can see he's not alone. He knows deep down who he is and what he wants, but seeing others like him will help him I think. I'll go get those beers and you keep an eye out for our bois."
***
"So you were really the first one to be on stage — that must have been quite an experience Tony."
"It was pretty wild. It was Carl's idea, and to be honest, he had to talk me into it. But once we got started it seemed like it was just us doing what we do alone. When it was over, seeing all those faces looking at us was — well, it was definitely a new experience. But the energy in the club was all positive and everyone was smiling and clapping. And after we broke the ice, it's been one after another who decide to share themselves like that. I'm guessing that you and Aaron plan on doing a show at some point?"
"Yeah, we had planned on doing it tonight — but we had sex earlier today and after we talked some more we decided it would be better if I had a chance to see the club and meet some other people and stuff."
"I hear what you're saying, and I think Aaron made a good decision. Carl and I have been together for quite a long time, so we were really comfortable with each other. The idea of being watched turned us both on too — so it wasn't too big of a step for me or him. Plus, the number of guys watching that first day of the clubs existence was way less than it is now. I mean the day we were here it was the first time anyone has been inside this place in years. It was a mess. But Carl wanted to at least give everyone a glimpse of what we could all make out of this place — and it worked. You wanna meet some of your fellow cocksuckers?"
