I want it! I don't care now. I'll allow myself the luxury of turning inward, facing myself, and fully admitting it. I'm not gay. Maybe I'm bi, but I don't know because I've never tried. Yet it seems that maybe I am on that spectrum they all talk about. Anyway, it's all just in my head, swirling around and around and around. It's the ultimate expression of all my pain expunged and the intimacy reconnected, yet on another level. That will be a new, pain-free level.
It's not romantic. I'm not going to 'turn'. Don't bother trying. You could sink your teeth into me like the vampires, and maybe the antibodies in my blood would just reject you, recognize you for what I don't desire, and would turn away from in an instant. So don't bother. I will still always like girls. I just can't deal with them right now. Most straight guys get that. It's become a new world in the past couple decades, where everyone got wise, and after the rest of us paid the price.
So this is where I am. A sensual being, a sexual being, but no longer a 'societal' being. I won't play the game that gives away, and gives up, so much. I won't be led anymore by the mythology into losing myself, subsuming myself, sacrificing myself, and then crying myself away. Yet I still have needs. And this is the dream, to satiate them, unpenalized. You know what that means. It's no payment, no misery, and no loss.
I will have cock. It's in my head. It's information. It's like the germs in the pandemic. Once you have that knowledge you can't get it out.
Why not? Why the fuck not? I've thought about it, and fantasized on it, and heck, I've even dreamed about it. So I'm fucked now. My mentality has crossed the line.
It's been such a long, long time since the pain and the isolation and the need all at once planted this seed that came to remake me. This is a 'me' now mostly healed, but still with needs. This delightful innermost wondrous 'me' has pleasure inside, and wants to give pleasure beyond. This cock of mine, that I love so much, is now resolved as well. It is resolved to sense that a cock can be pretty, a cock can be hot, a cock can be wanted, and a cock can be loved on. That could be as much as I love on mine. In short, if a cock is that good then a cock can appreciate another cock, and only a cock can know how best to love on another cock.
If I could give it to my girl as she said "The best I ever had", and they all say that I know, and if I could give her my mouth on her pussy that well, then why am I not ready? If I could give it to myself, pleasure my cock better than she mostly could, well most times of course, then why am I not able? If I could be just as good at pleasuring her as myself, then why would I not be just as supremely willing in pleasuring another cock. I'm told most guys, intuitively, know that. I know I'm good, so I know for sure. It's just that it's only in my head for now.
Even though it hasn't happened yet, I'll be the best I'm sure. Heck, how I've pleasured, and teased, and titillated myself. I know this from all those times when I taught myself. I know this from when I was later frustrated before I met my princess. I know this from all my times of introspection, and then self exploration, long after my princess was gone. It was she that foiled the fable, massacred the mythology, and brought me to the travails of truth. And then too, I know it because of how I pleasure myself now, while refusing to forgive myself for getting off thinking about cock as much as anything else. So I'll be good, I'll be damn good, and I know that other cock will then want me even more.
So this is the juncture, and the only question is when. I know the how. I've had a long time to think about it. They have to be like me. They have to be 'straight', they have to have been through the mill, they have to be somewhat resolved, and they have to be open. There must be the same flower unfolding within them, that is opening within me. There must be no imbalance, there must be no uneven levels of power, because this is an equal thing. It's a 'finding', a discovery that admits "Yes, I'm ok with this, it's where I want to travel, and that's all it is." It's an equality of reciprocity, and a sharing of resolution.
And it is definitely not a 'giving up', or a transference, of identity. After it happens, our 'maleness' will still be intact in every way, not assaulted, not reduced, and not shamed. Perhaps it will even be enhanced. I won't regret it. And he won't regret it. And they'll be no confusion, no questions of existence, and no doubts that women are still there if, and when we want.
But I so want to try it. And I want to enjoy it. And I want that cock to know that I love knowing that I can make that cock enjoy it as much as that cock would do for me, reciprocally. I want everything except that which I am programmed to want from a woman. I really want the intimacy, but not quite the same kind. I want the kind that feels and senses and knows, because I just know how that will make it better. Oh, how I know that would make it so good. I want to know that I made that cock see stars, and feel as one with the universe. I want to know that cock knows me, and wants me again for yet another time. But I just do not want that cock to feel that he would die without me! I do not want my cock to feel that either. This is the ultimate definition of my 'straightness' on that 'plus bi' axis line. Only the girls, if ever again, will get that golden coin plucked from the highest level of that video game of romantic reward.
But much else is up for grabs. I've admitted it. I'm freed by it, and I want my other cock to have that liberation. This understanding can only come with the acknowledgement of that one condition, that one constraint, previously explained. To have the physical, to have the sensuality, to have the raw sexuality, and almost every cerebral thing else that goes with it, is what I want. I want it so bad.
I want the intimacy that comes with our cocks knowing they can talk about it unabashed, yet gentle, respectful, exploring, and giving. But I expect us both to still remain strong, and rightfully masculine. What I felt, and what he felt, and how we got here, and what our pain was that brought us here, are things that should be all included in this process. How relieved and relaxed this will make us both feel, that our cocks can converse so intimately. How much we shall love that we can tell each other exactly what we want and how we feel, without guilt and without recrimination. These are things I want for my other cock too. I want this because I know this connection, and this understanding, will make it oh so much better.
Oh heck, please do not make it anyone I've known! I want it to be someone new. Perhaps we will meet somewhere, sometime, in a near future. I'm not sure how it will go. Maybe it will be a new friend, with a common interest, and a casual conversation which kicks off an innocuous connection. Then later sometime, after a drink maybe at the bar, as merely new friends we'll realize we've both seen similar ground.
Perhaps it takes awhile, being first a few meetings for fun, some phone calls, all ultimately with the inevitable unveilings of woe that us guys always feel comfortable sharing. And then possibly it will be that eventually the conversation has a turn beyond the regular internet downloads and the movies and the masturbation, to one of us inquiring "Have you ever?"
Then might come the other's noncommittal reply "Well no, but have you?"
Somewhere in that teasing inquiry, with the trust forming, we may just get there. In that moment of a crossing of sorts, the question might be "Could you, would you like to try?"
