Men in the Mountains

I woke with Cooper still asleep beside me. The sun was still below the horizon, but the soft glow in the eastern sky told me that it would show itself before too long. The air was cool, and I thought about getting up to get the fire going. For a while I was torn, but the warmth of Cooper's body and the comforting steadiness of his breathing made up my mind. I snuggled closer to Cooper, trying my best not to wake him.

Usually, I wasn't the type to just lay around. It was easy to feel like I was wasting my life away if I spent too much time in my bed. I didn't have that problem this morning though. I knew that I wouldn't be able to fall asleep again, but I was more than happy to be where I was. I found myself staring at Cooper's face. He was on his side, facing me, his head resting on his forearm. His lips were slightly parted, and although his brow furrowed slightly every so often. The last few nights had taught me that he sometimes talked in his sleep, so this wasn't the first time I wondered what he might be dreaming about.

The sun was up when he finally stirred. I was lying on my back, watching the sky change color when I heard him groan. I looked over as he rubbed his eyes, yawned, and stretched his stiff arms. I stayed silent, unsure if he would go back to sleep or not.

Without looking at me, he settled onto his back, and after a moment asked, "How did you sleep?"

"How did you know I was awake?" I asked, surprised.

"I figured you must be, because you aren't snoring."

"I don't snore!" I exclaimed, embarrassed. "...do I?"

Cooper turned to look at me, smirking. "Just a little bit."

"Bullshit. Nobody's ever told me that."

His smirk turned to a grin. "Don't look so worried! I'm just teasing."

Relieved, I shook my head. "I honestly don't know why I believe anything you say anymore."

"Yeah, you don't need to worry about it. You only woke me up seven or eight times last night."

I made a face, and Cooper chuckled.

I leaned back again to look at the sky. His jokes were so stupid, but I loved them. I was still grinning like an idiot when his face appeared above me.

"What are you smiling about?"

"I don't know. But you might have something to do with it."

I leaned up and kissed him, but all the smiling made it surprisingly difficult. I pulled away to gain control of myself, then kissed him again, in earnest this time. This wasn't the passionate, wild kissing that we had done so much of lately. This was slow, soft, and deliberate. I felt Cooper's firm arm slide beneath my back, and I reached out and put my hand on his waist. Silently, we held each other and kissed in the cool morning air.

I broke contact and let out a contented sigh, my forehead against his. "Cooper, I-"

With a jolt of adrenaline, I realized that I had almost said "I love you."

Cooper pulled away, looking at me curiously. "You what?"

"Never mind," I said, a little too quickly.

He watched me suspiciously, then spoke, sounding unconvinced. "Ok..."

I was grateful that he didn't force the subject. I didn't know what I would have said. I love you. Where had that come from? I couldn't honestly tell myself that I loved Cooper. True, I liked him a lot, and cared about him even more. But love? Surely that was something that took more than a week to develop.

At the same time, I couldn't figure out why those words would have even come to my mind. I couldn't remember the last time I had told someone I loved them, except in off-hand, almost joking situations with my friends. I had dated several girls--a couple of them for significant amounts of time--and I had never told one that I loved her.

Cooper was still staring at me thoughtfully, and I almost explained myself, then stopped again. I couldn't imagine it going over very well if I told Cooper I had almost said I loved him, but that I had stopped myself just in time. I was going to need to think about this when we weren't lying together, completely naked. I clearly wasn't thinking straight right now.

I abruptly pulled free from Cooper's embrace, feigning a yawn and stretching my arms.

"You ready for the climb today?" I asked, smiling impishly.

Cooper grinned back, "I can't wait to see the view from the peak. I've heard it's unbelievable."

...

As the day passed, I found myself thinking extensively about the fact that our trip would be ending tomorrow. The week felt like it had lasted a lifetime already. At the same time, it was difficult to believe that it had been more than a few hours since I bumped into Cooper in the trailhead parking area.

The air was cool and clean, the bright sun saturating all the colors around us. The breeze in the trees created a distant, faint whisper in the trees as we walked. I didn't have a problem keeping up with (and responding to) Cooper's banter, but I realized I was distracted. I couldn't have asked for a more perfect morning: backpacking with Cooper, in one of my favorite parts of the world, with beautiful weather. And yet, I felt unsettled. There was something eating at my good mood, lurking in the back of my mind, begging to be acknowledged.

Even as I consciously acknowledged that unsettled feeling, I knew what the problem was. I was starting to worry. I had always been a worrier, and I couldn't expect things to change now, I thought ruefully. What was going to happen when we finished our hike tomorrow? I hoped that the end of this trip wouldn't mean the end of my friendship with Cooper. Had this just been a fling? Did Cooper even think we were friends?

I could tell that all my overthinking was going to make me spiral, so I tried to think about something else. I chatted with Cooper, who was hiking in front of me today. I noticed the wildflowers growing along the trail and stooped to pick one every so often, arranging them in my left hand.

Our conversation died down as the trail became steep and rocky, but the exertion was enough to keep me distracted from my thoughts. We made frustratingly slow progress up the final ascent to the highest peak in the mountain range. It wasn't incredibly steep, but the trail was almost nonexistent, and the fist-sized rocks shifted and slid underfoot with every step. Cooper was considerably higher on the mountain than I was because he didn't want to accidentally hurt me with a dislodged chunk of stone. I looked up at him every so often, but he was completely absorbed in climbing, so he didn't notice.

When I finally reached the summit, I sat down next to Cooper on a boulder. We were both breathing heavily, fighting to catch our breath. I looked out into the distance, following Cooper's gaze.

"Whoever told you this was an amazing view wasn't lying," I observed, almost reverently.

"Fucking incredible," Cooper breathed.

It felt like we could see the entire world from where we sat. Mountains marched into the distance in every direction, spotted with huge shadows from the clouds in the sky. Far away, nearly on the horizon, I could see where the trees gave way to the dry, grayish, sagebrush-covered hills. Off to our left, I could pick out the other peaks we had crossed over or hiked around. On our right, I followed a similar, much shorter path with my eyes to where it met the other trail behind a distant ridge. I knew that my car was somewhere behind that vast mound of earth.

I looked down and realized I was still holding the flowers I had picked that morning. I knew why I had collected these, but I felt suddenly unsure. I looked over at Cooper, and after a moment of hesitation, I held them out in front of him. He noticed the movement and looked down.

Confused, he examined the blossoms, and nodded, "Wow, you found some that I haven't seen up here for months!"

"Yeah, after I started gathering them, I was watching more closely."

My arm was still extended toward him, unmoving. I started smiling, amused at his apparent confusion. After a few more moments, I could see the understanding dawn on his face. He jerked his head over to look at me.

"Are these... for me?"

"Yes," I said quietly, suddenly embarrassed.

He was still staring at me, a dumbfounded look on his face. He slowly turned, reached out, and took the flowers from my grimy hand. He held them awkwardly in front of his face and smelled them.

"Um... thank you."

I was concerned now, and having second thoughts about this gift. Cooper was still gazing intently at the multi-colored blossoms in front of him.

"Don't feel like you have to carry them around with you," I said hurriedly. "I know it's kind of a weird thing to give you, and it's not very convenient, so just know I won't have my feelings hurt if you..."

I stopped talking, realizing that Cooper was smiling. A huge grin split his face, and he turned to look at me.

"Don't worry about it, Preston. This is one of the nicest gifts I've ever been given. I've just never had someone give me flowers before. I couldn't decide if you were mocking me somehow, or..." His voice faded away and he smiled again.

We sat in silence, watching the clouds move across the sky, the cool air sweeping around us with each gust of wind. I rested my head on Cooper's shoulder and closed my eyes, and for a moment, that unsettled feeling disappeared. I smiled to myself as the sun warmed my face, feeling completely content.