Loss to Love

"Mom, I'm gay." Nick said.

"Uh...you're what again?" Carrie asked, clarifying. She too probably didn't believe what she was hearing. I could relate as my thoughts spun around in my head.

"Gay, mom. I like guys." Nick said. Clearing my head enough, I figured that this really was something I shouldn't be hearing. Talk about invasion of privacy. If Nick got angry with me looking at his camera, he would be furious if he found out I was eavesdropping. I took that thought as my cue to start leaving again, but curiosity got the better of me, planting my feet in its spot. I found myself leaning against the wall and inching closer to the kitchen entrance.

"Oh um...are you sure? Um I thought you were dating Kate." Carrie asked. I mouthed a silent 'thank you' at Carrie's question. You were dating Kate, you can't be gay. At most bisexual but definitely not gay right?

"Yeah mom I'm sure. I just dated Kate as a show; I never really liked her in that way. We broke up a few weeks back."

"Oh I see." The sound of disappointment in Carries tone was unmistakable. Oh god, this wasn't going to be a pretty coming out.

"You're disappointed." Nick pointed out.

"Yes Nick, I am." Carrie said. I immediately felt a sudden dislike for Carrie and I almost ran out to defend Nick but Carrie interrupted that thought when she continued speaking. "But not because you're gay. I'm disappointed that you put Kate through that. You should never use someone like that, you understand me?" I immediately felt bad for thinking the worse about Carrie.

"Yeah I understand, that's why we broke up but...you don't care that I'm gay?" Nick asked, his voice cracking at one point. Nick was getting emotional, normal for a coming out I guess.

"Oh honey." I assumed this was where Carrie went over and gave Nick a hug. "I don't care whether you're gay or straight. You are my son and that's all that matters."

"Thanks mom." Nick said, sniffing a couple times. I felt my eyes water a little, remembering how my mom reacted to my coming out. It was actually kind of the same thing and hearing this just brought those memories back.

"Does your father know yet?"

"No. I'm not gonna tell him either. He hardly talks to me as it is. I think if I told him, I'll be kicked out of the house." Nick said.

"Wha...Didn't your father tell you?" Carrie asked.

"Tell me what?"

"The reason we got a divorce." Again I have to assume this was where Nick shook his head as I couldn't see anything. "Honey, your father and I divorced because...he's gay."

"What?" Nick asked in confusion, something I too was feeling. Seriously was everyone around me suddenly becoming gay? I was half expecting Dean to call me up, proclaiming the same.

"Your father's gay, Nick. He married me, hoping to live a normal life. Eventually he realized he couldn't live a lie anymore and that's why we got a divorce. He was struggling so much he got drunk every night, some of them I'm sure you remember." Carrie said. "I was angry at your father, for cheating me. For lying to me, using me. That's why I was disappointed with what you did to Kate. However, even after the entire lie, I still loved your father. It's just that he couldn't love me the way he wanted to. He was the one to initiate the divorce."

"But..." That was all Nick managed to choke out.

"I know this is a lot to take in, and I can tell that you have some animosity towards your dad, but believe me when I say it's not his fault. I would rather let go of your father and have him be happy than making him live a lie and miserable. What good does that do me?"

There was a moment of silence. This was all a lot of information to take in, for Carrie, Nick as well as me. My stomach wrenched in guilt, knowing that I had just invaded into something that was supposed to be almost sacred.

"I always thought that it was his fault." Nick muttered. Nick had never hidden his disdain for his father, always labeling him the bad guy. Suddenly, he was not only the good guy but the tortured soul. The guy who had hidden away a part of himself so much, he drowned his sorrows in alcohol.

"No honey. He just wanted to be happy, which is what I want you to be as well, so just tell them."

"Them?" Nick asked at the exact time I thought of the question. Who is them? His dad but who else. "I get dad but who else?"

"Drew, of course." Carrie said. I raised an eyebrow at her remark. "I see the way you look at him Nick. I know what that look means." My eyes went wide. That's what people say when the person looks at you with longing. When a person likes you.

"Didn't know it was that obvious." Nick chuckled. No way. No fucking way. Nick liked me, like fucking liked me.

"Honey, you have to be blind to not see how much you care for Drew" Well now I felt like I was being called blind too. Maybe it's not that I was blind but stupid. I mean I saw the signs, knew that Nick cared, just that I was so consumed with the notion that he was straight that I blocked it all out.

"Yeah well he doesn't see me that way though. At least I don't think he does. He's so hard to read. I was so scared he would somehow find out before I told him. That's not the way I wanted it to happen." Nick said. I have had enough; I didn't want to hear anymore. I was so confused, about Nick, about my feelings for him, about everything. I crept away slowly, heading back up to the guest bedroom, hoping that I wouldn't make a sound.

I closed the bedroom door behind me, sitting at the edge of the bed. I replayed everything I heard downstairs, especially all the parts concerning Nick and his supposed attraction to me. I was completely torn. Part of me was elated that Nick Preston liked me, the other part worried that this wasn't going to turn out right.

My mind rewound to the night he attacked me. The night I had looked through his camera. That was the first night I realized my feelings for Nick. The night he held his face so close to mine. The night I found out my head fit nicely on him. The night I started craving for a relationship with Nick. The night I saw his rage and in it, also a tinge of fear.

Fear, something he said he felt. Fear that I would find out about him being gay before he was ready. It all started because of that stupid camera. I looked at the object in question, sitting on the desk.

"I need to know." I said, getting off and walking over to the black DSLR. I picked it up, holding it in my hands, wondering if I should. I stood there, my finger hovering over the on switch. "Fuck it." I said, pushing the button.

The screen lit up, bright against the darkness of the room. I navigated to the photo library, taking one last breath before clicking. The first picture was the latest he had taken, just this morning before we had headed off. I scrolled backwards, taking a quick glance at each photo, scrolling through those I deemed irrelevant. I eventually started scrolling through pictures of plant life, all taken at the botanical garden.

What should have been picture after picture of plants, was interspaced with photos of...me.

I felt my mouth open in shock at each photo as I scrolled through. So many pictures of me were taken that day, all of which I was unaware about. Some showed me walking down the path ahead, others taking down notes on the notepad I had. How he had gotten so many shots without me noticing amazed me.

"Hey are you done?" Nick's voice came through the bedroom door, turning my attention to the closed door. "Drew? You okay in there?" In a spur of courage, I stood up and marched to the door, opening it to a smiling Nick. I grabbed his shirt, pulling him in and shutting the door.

"Explain." I said, pushing the camera into his stomach. He looked down, taking a moment to realize what it was I had shoved into his midsection. His face shot to mine as his skin paled. "Nick, explain all this. What do you want to tell me?" I asked, even though I already knew the answer to that question.

"Drew, I..." I stepped closer to Nick, and he stepped back, maintaining the distance between us. "I just..." As we passed the desk, I laid the camera down, continuing forward step by step, him retreating. "I was scared." He said, his back hitting the wall. He had nowhere left to run.

"Just say it, Nick" I said, putting my hand on his chest. I could feel his heart thumping in my palm.

"I'm...gay." He muttered.

"And?" I said, moving my face closer to his.

"I...I..." Nick started stuttering, his eyes watching my lips like a hawk.

"Maybe this will jog your memory." I said, bringing my lips to his. I don't know where all this courage came from. It wasn't like me to be this forward about stuff like this. I mean I was kissing Nick. Like what the fuck.

My brain went into overdrive when our lips met. I may have been in control, but I was going all whacky on the inside. Neither of us moved at all, our lips glued to each other but shut closed. My skin was tingling from the sensation of it all, sparks dancing across my face. I let myself go to the euphoria, closing my eyes as my hand travelled up to his neck. He parted his lips tentatively, sucking my upper lip just slightly.

The need for oxygen overcame the urge to keep the kiss locked forever, making us pull apart, breathing heavily. That was the first time I had kissed anyone and I would have never expected that it would be that intense. "I like you. I really really like you." Nick said between breaths. I chuckled.

"I've been wanting to do that since last Saturday." Nick pulled my face up to his, looking me in the eyes. I had basically just told him that I liked him too and I guess he wasn't expecting that.

"I can't believe this is happening."

"Just shut up and kiss me." I said, pulling his head back to mine. This time the kiss was more intense, more passionate. Sucking on his lip was a new sensation, as was feeling his tongue on mine. Everything felt so new, but so right at the same time. In the heat of the moment, Nick picked me up, without breaking lip contact, and placed me down on the bed as we continued our make out session. My hands snaked around his neck, pulling him down to me. His hand made it's way under my shirt, his fingers dancing across the skin of my abdomen. I was sure if I didn't stop this, we would end up doing something we weren't ready for.

"We should stop." I said, placing my hand on his, stopping his advancement.

"Sorry." He apologized, removing his hand and made to get up off me. I held him there with my arm around his neck, not wanting him to go.

"I said stop. I didn't say get off." I said, looking into those deep brown eyes. "Just lie down with me." He nodded, lowering himself to my right. Snuggling his face into the crook of my neck, I remembered how much we fit together. He laid an arm and one leg across my body, effectively laying half of his own bulk onto me. The weight felt good though, the warmth emanating from him inviting.

"How did you know?" Nick mumbled against my neck.

"I may have heard you and your mom talking downstairs." I said cheekily.

"Eavesdropping? Since when have you been such a bad boy?" Nick smirked, looking up at me.

"Since forever. So am I the mystery girl you have this crush on, or do I have some competition that I should know about." I said.

"I never actually said that it was a girl. That part you assumed on your own. But yes, you are." I guess it was true. I don't recall Nick ever saying her or she.

"And how long have you had this crush on me then?" I asked. Nick blushed at the question, shooting me a nervous look.

"Oh um...maybe like...three years." He mumbled.

"Three years? But, we've only been friends for like a few months."

"Whoever said I couldn't crush on the guy I was bullying." He said. "How else could I talk to without actually talking to you."

"So all those years of being shoved into lockers was just so I would notice you? Preschool much?"I laughed, kissing Nick on the forehead.

"You'll never believe how much I've dreamt of you doing that." I smiled, pulling Nick closer to me. "So what does this make us? Are we a thing now?"

I thought about it. "What do you want it to be?" I asked back.

"I was hoping you'd be my boyfriend."

"We can try this out. See how it goes." I said. Nick laid his head down on my chest, his head rising and falling in time to my breaths. "Remember that day in the car, when you first told me about 'mystery girl'?" He nodded. "Well you said that you were scared that someone was going to win me over. Am I right to assume that the tool was Travis?"

"I think that's pretty obvious now isn't it?" He smiled. "And just to let you know, in the boat just now, I wasn't asking on his behalf. I'll be damn if I ever did that. I was asking to know if I had a chance."

"Yeah, I got that Mr hypothetical football jock."

"So you'll say no right? To Travis?"

"I see no reason to say yes." Nick sighed in contentment. "So does anyone else know about you, besides your mom I mean."

"Kate does. I told her the day we broke up." He said. "You know us, we can read each other like that. I knew that when she told me she liked Tray, she knew I liked someone too. I can't really lie to her so I just told her the truth."

"That's good. You seem to have a pretty good support system so far so I don't think you'll have too much of a problem. I mean your parents are pretty much accepting and your friends should be comfortable about a gay friend, seeing as they don't mind me."

"Well I haven't really told my dad. I won't know his reaction." I raised an eyebrow at him. His father was the probably gonna be the most accepting. I mean he has a gay dad. "Okay fine, I'm just unsure of how to tell him. I haven't spoken to him much."

"If you need me there, just say the word."

"Thanks." He said, kissing me on the cheek. Who knew we'd go from friends to boyfriends in the course of a few hours. "So I guess this means we'll be sharing the bed tonight?" He asked, more of a question than a statement.

"No, you're sleeping on the couch." I joked. Nick on the other hand, apparently didn't get my joke when he frowned sadly. "You're cute when you frown."

"Never thought I'd ever hear you call me cute. I thought that was my thing."

"It's called payback. Just like this." I said. In a swift motion I climbed over him, pinning his hands at either side of his head. I trailed by lips up his neck, not coming into contact with skin, but close enough that he would feel my breath. I travelled from his neck, to his ear and down his jawline. Nick's breathing had picked up and was panting heavily as I continued my slow torture. "Remember how you did this to me on the school roof that time." I said, hovering my lips hovering over his. Nick swallowed, his Adam's apple bobbing deliciously in his neck. "Who's the aroused one now?" I said, peeking downwards at the growing bulge in his jeans. I smiled evilly at him, brushing my lips ever so slightly across his jaw. "Do you want it?" I whispered.

"Yes...please Drew." Nick pleaded. I planted my lips on his, applying pressure to his hips with my own. Slowly I released the pressure on his wrists, snaking my hands to his face. Nick hands, now free came around me, running up and down my back. I continued grinding my pelvis against his, my own bulge full to bursting. I moved one hand down, grabbing at the hem of his shirt, pulling it up to reveal his six pack abs.

"You're so hot." I said, dragging my nails lightly across his skin. Eventually my finger found his nipple, giving it a small pinch. Nick hissed against my lips, bucking his hips up to increase pressure against mine. I smiled, breaking lip contact. I kissed my way down his neck and to his chest. "Remove it." I said, pulling the shirt he was wearing higher. He raised his hands and I slipped the clothing from his body. I looked down at the perfect specimen in front of me. Yeah I had seen Nick naked before, but that was through quick glances. This time I had full view and full access.

"Like what you see?" Nick smirked. I didn't need to answer, lowering my head to his pecs. I bit the skin lightly, making my way to his nipple. Nick's hand had travelled down my back, his fingers dipping under the waist of my jeans, his fingers hot against my butt cheeks. I found the little nub, flicking it with my tongue. "Geez." Nick cried out.

I cupped his bulge in my right hand, stroking it rhythmically. I could tell that Nick was big. I had never touched anyone's crotch before but I could tell that Nick was well endowed. I unbuckled his belt with one hand, my lips still playing with his nipple. My left hand ran along the ridges of his abs, memorizing the contours and valleys.

After much fumbling around I managed to get his belt off, but before I could do anything else, Nick pulled me up to his lips, capturing them once more. "I think we're moving a little fast again." Nick said.

"Yeah sorry. I got carried away this time." I said, laying my hand on his bare chest, drawing circles. "You're too hot for me you know. You can do so much better."

"I can't do better when I already have the best." Nick said. Shit that was the sweetest thing anyone had ever said to me. I laid down on him, nuzzling into his neck. "This feels nice. I can stay like this forever." He said, and so we did. We laid like that for quite some time and I eventually drifted off to sleep.

I was awoken by a knock on the door. "Are you boys awake in there?" Carrie's voice came from the other side of the door. I looked up and saw Nick fast asleep, snoring slightly.

"Yeah Carrie. I'm up." I said, rubbing the sleep from my eyes as I sat up in bed.

"Okay well, dinner's almost ready. You guys can come down anytime." Carrie said,

"Thanks Carrie." I looked back at Nick and nudged him awake. He grunted, slowly opening his eyes, smiling when he caught sight of me. "Hey."

"Hey." He replied, stretching his body. His shirtless body looked absolutely delicious as he did that. He patted the bed next to him, beckoning me to lie back with him.

"C'mon, your mom said dinner's about ready." I said, putting a hand on his thigh, running it back and forth.

"C'mon just lie with me for awhile." He said.

"We've been laying together all afternoon." He smiled at the thought, sighing in contentment. "Now get up, it's not polite to keep your mom waiting."

"Okay okay, I'm up." He said, sitting up right. He gave me a quick peck on my cheek, before laying his head on my shoulder. His hand searched for mine, interlacing our fingers together when he found it. "Our hands fit together nicely." He said, holding our locked hands in front of him and inspecting it.

"Who knew." I said, kissing his hand. "Put a shirt on." I said, letting go on his hand and climbing out of bed.

"I thought you liked me like this." He smirked.

"Yeah but I like to be able to think clearly too so a shirt would do nicely." Nick shook his head, throwing his feet off the edge of the bed. Retrieving a new t-shirt from his bag, he slipped on the one size too small piece of clothing. "You really should buy t-shirts that fit you."

"I know you like them like this." He said, coming over and putting his hands around my waist. "I still keep thinking this is a dream."

"Feels unreal doesn't it?"

"Yeah but I wouldn't have it any other way." He said, planting a kiss on my lips.

"You're sweet. C'mon." I said, breaking out of his grasp, taking his hand in mine. I exited the room, pulling Nick behind me as we made our way to the kitchen. Something was cooking in the oven, evidence by the smell that was filling the house.

"I know that smell. Lasagna." Nick said, taking a deep breath, inhaling the goodness of homemade food. We were right outside the kitchen, so it was no wonder that Carrie could hear.