"So, what's the problem?" Will asked.
"Problem?" I replied, not really sure if I wanted to talk to Will about this. Sure, I said I needed a listening ear, but I was expecting someone I was close to, like Alena or Ken. I mean, I admired Will and all but I still wouldn't consider him a friend.
"Please. I don't need to be a psychologist to know that something is bothering you," Will said, arching an eyebrow at me. I remained silent, still contemplating if I really did want to tell Will what was bothering me. He was a specialist in natal - elite communications and the thing between Taron and me definitely fell under his jurisdiction.
"It's about Taron, isn't it?" he probed, making me sigh at the sound of his name. My chest constricted at the thought of the things that transpired just earlier that afternoon, making it almost laborious to breathe. Will's sigh brought my attention to him.
"It's...nothing," I said, feeling ever closer to just coming clean and yet still having my walls up.
"Kev, you can't let him keep doing this. It's not right. Especially so seeing that you're one of Alena's best friends. Personally, a prejudice elite is worse than any natal to me," he said and his words caught my attention. I had assumed that Alena had told Will about the relationship that Taron and I had, but from his words I knew that that wasn't the case. He still thought that Taron was classist, and the idea that someone had that notion of him had me speaking before I could stop myself.
"He's not," I said.
"You need to stop protecting him Kev. I don't know if it's because you're blaming yourself or what, but classism isn't the victims fault. I mean it when I say that prejudice does not deserve to be protected," he said, further proving that he really did think that Taron was classist.
"No, I'm not protecting him," I rebutted, but in a way I was lying. No, I was telling the truth in that I wasn't protecting Taron because he was classist. The fact of the matter was, as much as I hated to admit it, I was protecting him from not being a classist.
"It sure seems that way to me."
"He's not classist. I'm dating him," I rushed out, before Will could interrupt me. For some reason, I didn't want anyone, especially Will, to have a bad impression of Taron, regardless of the fact that we were no longer dating and I was still slightly peeved at his comment earlier on. That made me realize that I had said I was dating him. "Well, I was anyway. Dating him, I mean," I quickly corrected.
Will stood there, looking somewhat stunned. His mouth hung slightly agape, eyebrows raised and eyes bulging. I didn't say anything, knowing that this was all pretty shocking for him, seeing that he thought Taron was still picking on me. "Dating?" he finally muttered, as if unsure if he had heard me right.
I sighed, knowing full well that I was going to be talking to Will about this, even if I hadn't planned to. I mentally kicked myself for cracking so easily. All I had to do was pretend that Will was right, say that I did in fact, put Taron in his place. But of course I loved him so much that I couldn't stand the fact that someone was badmouthing him. I hated that I love him. "Yeah, we were dating."
"Wait, we're talking about the same Taron here right? Taron Wolfrum? The same Taron that you admitted teased you in our interview those weeks ago?" Will asked.
"I never admitted that he teased me," I said, recalling that I hadn't said anything bad about Taron specifically. It was Will who assumed.
"You didn't deny it though," Will argued.
"Which doesn't mean that he did," I retorted. "Besides, the Taron I talked about and this Taron aren't the same person." At this, the confusion on Will's face only got worse and I realized how vague I was being. "I'm not making sense. I meant, that yes, they are the same person, but they're not the same person."
"Would you care to elaborate?" Will asked, taking a seat across from me.
"The Taron that I talked about during the interview, was an obnoxious guy that I had no idea why I had a crush on," I started.
"You mean you already liked him when we had that interview?" Will asked.
"Can I finish?" I asked, getting slightly annoyed with Will's interruptions. Will raised his hands in surrender and motioned for me to continue. "As I was saying, that Taron was an obnoxious prick. But it turns out he's anything but. He's a sweet and charming guy, who apparently had a crush of his own on me. He was anything but classist and he, more than anyone else, believed that our relationship meant something. Even I had my reservations." I chuckled, not out of humor but self loathing. "I guess in a way, I was the classist in our relationship."
"So why did you break up with him then?" Will asked.
"What makes you think I was the one who dumped him?" I replied, slightly insulted that he had automatically assume it was me, even though it was true.
"Just a feeling, and judging by your reaction I can assume I'm right," he said, smirking. I rolled my eyes, but sighed nonetheless. "So, my question is why?" I looked up at him, but didn't say anything. "I mean, if he is everything that you say he is, it seems logical that you wouldn't want to break up with him, so you can't blame me if I think that all this is a little strange on your part."
"It's a lot of things actually. My posting. Moving, Peoples perception of us," I started. "It's complicated," I said simply, giving the most generic and vague answer known to man.
"Relationship hardly aren't to be honest, at least not the interesting ones," he said.
"Is your relationship complicated?" I asked, a little as a joke but I was genuinely curious too.
"Nope, not at all. Not anymore at least."
"So, in other words you're saying your marriage is boring?" I smirked. "What would Thane think?"
"No, our marriage is certainly not boring," he said, smiling and shaking his head. "You'll probably understand this when you've been in a long term relationship, but relationships don't always get boring. Yes some people say that once you're married and all that, things start to die down. I mean, sure things cool off. The intense feeling you have in your chest when you see the love of your life slowly dims to a glow, but that's not necessarily a bad thing. It's not so much about being boring, but more about being comfortable. After a while, your relationship becomes comfortable. You relax around each other, no longer putting on any kind of facade, but literally just being you. To someone who's madly in love this might seem dull, but there is a satisfaction in being comfortable. I'm very comfortable with Thane, as I'm sure he is with me, and somehow that just makes me love him all the more. It's not the burning passionate love we had early in our relationship, but a strong slow flame that keeps you warm."
As Will stopped, it was my turn to be shocked. I had been somewhat playing with my question, but his words about relationships did resonate with me. I mean, I knew that relationships slowly faded. Most kids see it in their parents, but a lot of times people thing that that means the love is also fading. Will's words told me that sometimes that was just not true. I thought back to my own parents, and sure they may not be all kissy and lovey, which I'm glad if you ask me, but I knew that they still loved each other.
But would I ever reach that point where I could become comfortable in a relationship? I knew for a fact that I wasn't when I was with Taron. I mean, how comfortable could I be if I was constantly worrying about whether or not he would leave me for someone better. It wasn't comfortable. It was borderline neurotic.
Will chuckled, pulling me from my thoughts. "I know what you're thinking," he said and I blushed. Was I really that easy to read? "It's okay if you don't feel comfortable in a relationship. I wasn't when I got together with Thane, of course that could have been due to the fact that what Thane and I had was on the cusps of being illegal at the time."
"That must have been hard, feeling like everyone around you would not accept you for just being yourself," I said.
"I'm not gonna lie and say it wasn't, because it was. I didn't even want to get together with Thane because I was so scared that someone would find out I was gay and kill me or something," Will said and chuckled to himself, though I didn't know why. Probably an inside joke he had. "So anyway, yeah it was hard, but things worked out in the end. I got together with Thane and we eventually got married. Now we're living comfortable lives in our comfortable marriage, so even if you don't think you'll get there, you probably will one day."
"How did this devolve into a heart to heart conversations about relationships?" I asked, smiling as I said this.
"Beats me," Will replied, laughing as well. "But I guess it's the same thing with Taron for you. You have to realize what you want. Whether it be a life with Taron or someone else in the future, only you can decide. Sure, I want you two to get together but I could be biased because I want there to be an interclass relationship," he said, getting up from his seat. "I'll let you think about it. In the meantime, I have to go teach my husband a lesson about slandering me to our daughter."
He was halfway out the kitchen when I said, "Is that what elites call sex these days?"
"Well I did say that our relationship wasn't boring, didn't I?" he smirked as he left.
I laughed, shaking my head as I watched his retreating form leave the kitchen. Silence engulfed me, not even the smallest of sounds to disturb the peace. The house was so big, it was no wonder that you wouldn't hear anyone around, even with at least three other people and one very vocal droid.
I took the moment of solitude to think about what Will had said. He didn't give me an outright answer to the question that I was asking myself, partly because I hadn't actually voiced that question to Will, but his words did give me a little more insight into how I handled the situation.
In all of this, I had been focused on Taron. How dating me would have been tough for him as an elite. How he had to deal with my constant insecurities. How I was the one who had to move away because of my job. While it's true that a part of me did truly believe that all this affected both of us and not just him, I realized just how much I had thought about him rather than myself.
Sure, some people might argue that that was what love was. Compromise and putting the needs of someone else before your own, but don't people always say that you have to think of yourself every now and then? Not doing so would just lead to a life of self loathing, would it not?
So I thought about that. About me and how all this had affected me...but I couldn't. Believe me, I wanted to be selfish and think about all the different ways that I had been wronged or the things I had sacrificed for the sake of our relationship, but there wasn't much.
