Still Call Australia Home?

"Hey, Jamie, what's up?" Ben queried, giving me that 'what's-up-skip' look.

We were having breakfast at mom and dad's place. Adam was going into work for a few hours before coming out to see us off at the airport, so he volunteered to drop us off at the folks' place. I was fidgeting around, couldn't help it, a whole lot of nervous energy going on. I need to settle before we headed inside, but I just can't.

"Umm...sorry, Ben. Just mixed feelings about heading out today, you know. I'm on this rollercoaster-like whenever I'm going there, you know!" Unconsciously, I was running my hand through my hair, even exhaling like I was blowing out a giant candle or something.

"I find... I have... fuck it! It would help if my mouth and brain were on the same page here."

"Hey," Ben gently placed his hand on my shoulder, then slid his hand across to the middle of my shoulder blades. "It's ok to be nervous." He lowered his head a little. I caught sight of compassion coming from his eyes that were locked on me now.

"It's just... Oh God!... All these mixed feeling: one minute I'm sad because I'm saying goodbye to someone people I deeply love. Until I met you, I wouldn't have ever thought I would relocate to the other side of the country, let alone the planet." The hot burning feeling in my eyes was starting up, my face and neck felt like they were on fire too.

"Ben, please don't get me wrong - I'm not mad at you or anything. Fuck - you wanted us to move here and I said 'no'. It's just I don't know which feeling is right."

"How do you mean?"

"Ok, So one moment I'm sad, like the worst. Like I was when we...- "My mind spun back for a moment to that time. Great! Now I can add the feeling of self-loathing and wanting to puke as well. "...you know, when we broke up."

"Hey, hey you." Ben reached over and pulled me into a hug. I have no idea how I wasn't crying by now, a miracle I'll call it. Ben started to gently kiss my head just above my ear.

"I understand what y'all mean, about flying out! You're all mixed up because your-our - friends and family are sad. They'll miss us; we'll miss them. But it's not like it's forever. It's not, 'ok, we're off, never gonna see y'all again', right?"

Through all of this Adam had stayed silent, I only noticed he was still there when my old truck pulled to a stop outside mom and dads.

Obviously right, we don't have self-drive cars.

"Hey Jamie, can I join in? Going to anyway. Look, you're upset that you're going back to Texas, but you're starting a whole new chapter in your life-lives together. Like what Ben said, we're not disappearing - it's not forever. We can see each other online, and travel too. It's just that time in our lives where things change, and some of the big parts of your life move over a little for new stuff to happen. Doesn't mean we love you any less, or you us, right?"

"Yep. Sorry guys. I don't mean to be such a dick about all of this." Although I was saying 'sorry', my heart was saying 'WTF are you doing? You're turning your back on your mom, dad, sisters, friends since kinder, the job, everything!"

"It's ok, James. I'm sure inside you're hurting. If you're not, well, that's not the guy I married."

"Ben," I washed my hand down my face, "today is so ... different! It feels very final. Like next time I come back, it won't be coming home as much. I'll just be visiting!" I couldn't help feeling a little empty, void by that thought.

Mom and dad asked if they could give Ben and me a ride to the airport, which expanded into 'come for breakfast.' I think they wanted the last few moments of private time with us before we fly out. As we walked in the side door, I saw the food laid out -- shit, she's gone over the top, cooked enough food for the entire block. Not the four of us!

"Umm, Mom I think you've over catered here." Dad just gave me one of those all-knowing smiles and looked toward Ben who was still talking like he'd just found his tongue, right! So, I've learned that Ben is very chatty when get gets nervous. Damn, he'll talk your ears off, which isn't all bad, right. I still love his sweet accent - "I'm never going to grow tired of that sweet draw,." I murmured, I'm sure no one heard that...Lol, when he's getting into me over something I've done wrong - Okay, wait up, it doesn't happen that often, but hearing him going off is the second-best part of getting into trouble. The best, of course is making up.

My comment wasn't lost on him. I got an 'I heard you Jamie' quick look out the corner of his beautiful eye, damn. Now I've got the loves up today - my emotions are all over the place.

"Hey Son, how are you going?"

"To be honest Dad, I'm being an emotional dick. You'd think I've got hormones running or something," I chuckled at myself.

"It's ok son. It's a big day for you guys and your mom and me. But remember - together, there is nothing we can't do. Now you come here." And at that dad pulled me into a bone crusher of a hug. It felt good, reassuring.

We'd finally sat down at the kitchen counter and everyone was talking and stuffing their mouths with food - probably not the politest way of behaving, but we were relaxed being very informal. Anyways, I was listening to Ben and dad talking about drones -- yes, their newest shared love. Those two could talk underwater about them. Me, I'm like, 'Let's watch drone fails on YouTube'. Ben gets a little pissy at that one.

My mind flicked back to this morning. I'd forgotten about when I woke up, there was an email notification on my cell. In all the rush of getting showered, dressed, and packing the last of our things, I forgot all about it.

"What you looking at, Skip?"

Nodding my head sideways, I responded, "I got an email this morning - forgot to check what it was. No matter." Smiling as I put the cell down, I continued, "I can check it later. I'd prefer to talk to you and dad anyway, mommy," I gave her a 'big kid smile'.

"It could be important. You should check," she gestured at my cell.

"It's probably just spam, mom - you know, trying to sell me Viagra, lol, as if I need Viagra. Just a good change of wind direction and I'm on." OMG, did I just say that out-aloud around my mom!?"

I could tell I had. She had a slightly shocked look on her face, but just grimaced at me, then laughed. "That's a family thing, honey. Your dad's still the same."

Stunned - I'm sure my jaw just dropped and hit the countertop. Like, fuck me silent stunned!

For a full 20 seconds I was speechless. "Yuck, mom. Don't want to know that stuff about you and dad. Thoughts of you and dad, you know... Oh, I'm gonna be sick if I keep thinking about that."

She just smiled and turned back to the waffle maker. "From the look on your face, Jamie, I'm guessing you don't want waffles now, hmm." Mom was talking the piss, you know stirring me up. She doesn't do that all that often, but when she does, it's good.

"Oka-ay ... think I'll just check my emails." I clicked on the mail notification. Yeah there were a few spam emails: today I was going to be the beneficiary of USD 5,000,000.00. All I had to do was reply to the Nigerian prince, give them my bank account details, mother's maiden name, and date of birth. Yeah right!

One was from Josh Nicols. He was coming to Texas for two weeks and wanted to catch up. "Hey, Ben," I called casually over my shoulder.

"Excuse me, sir. Sorry... yeah, Skip?"

"Josh is coming to town from Cali for two weeks and wants to catch up."

"Oh great! Let him know, if we wants to stay a few days, he's welcome."

Hmm sure, I'll reply to Josh in a bit.

"Jamie would you like a coffee, sweetheart?"

"Thanks, Mom. No, wait - I'll make it you're busy cooking. Can I get you one mom? Dad? Ben?"

I stood up from the barstool. Mom waved her hand at me to sit down - she was in her element fussing about.

I just ignored her, making sure not to make eye contact, and headed to the espresso machine. A few buttons pressed and we're on the way to coffee time!

When something is troubling her, she fusses, to a ridiculous level. I did what most of us do pretty much most of the time - keep going, don't make eye contact, and if you do, pray she doesn't give you one of those 'you didn't hear me looks.' You know the ones... they can freeze the sun.

I was mindlessly operating the espresso machine, churning out two lattes for dad and me, a flat white for Ben and Macchiato for mom. Man, my parents worked me after the barista course I took a few years back.

Sitting back down at the counter everyone was quiet for a moment, enjoying the coffee goodness, hmmm. I started scrolling through my mail. Then I saw it - US Forest Service. "US Forest Service?" I looked between Mom, Dad, and Ben. I'm sure my surprised and somewhat confused state was evident on my face. Then it hit me: "Oh yeah, I forgot! I sent my resume and cover letter to them back while I was in Phoenix. One of the shift commanders was good friends with a guy in US Forestry and suggested I send it to their region head offices in Atlanta, Georgia."

I couldn't help but feel pangs of fear, disappointment brewing: this whole finding a permanent job near to Ben was becoming a challenge, and shit, Texas is a pretty big state. "Probably another 'thanks, but no thanks something,' blah blah."

Taking a deep steadying breath, I clicked on the email, 'US Forest Service. Subject-Offer.' At some point I had subconsciously held up my right hand almost at shoulder level like I was asking someone, everyone, to stop... stop what, I do not know... but stop anyways. I was trying to read and process in a very condensed timeframe. Don't know, I was just... drawn in.

"What is it about? What's it say, son?" dad asked.

My voice, full of purpose, started to read out loud. "Dear Mr. Spence,. Thank you for your interest in the US Forest Service Unfortunately - yeah there we go! -all of our positions in the Western and North Western regions are currently filled, although a seconded position is open in region 8 with the Texas A&M Forest Service."

I looked up at the three stunned faces looking back at me. "Skip, read!" he gestured with his hand.

"We have had an opportunity to verify your suitability for employment with the US Forest Service (Fire Crews). I must say, the feedback provided, time, and time again, was that you were an outstanding firefighter, possessing extensive frontline experience and leadership. To our surprise, a number of the services stated they were disappointed that they had not been successful in retaining your services due to personal-distance commitments." Blinking for a moment, I re-read the bit again. "Opportunity to verify your suitability for employment with the US Forest Service (Fire Crews)."

"Our service has over time

..."

blah blah blah, "increased our baseline crew..." blah blah blah. Then it jumps off the page: "Your extensive background in wildfire (Brush) firefighting, Helitak, and systems-based NIMS incident management (

we call ours AIIMS

management

), make you a standout candidate for the US Forest Service. We would welcome an opportunity to meet with you and discuss this opportunity at our Region 8 Headquarters in Atlanta, GA, upon your return from Australia."

I kinda dropped my cell onto the counter in disbelief.

"Oh my," mom was standing there with her hand over her open mouth in total surprise -- shit, mom, not as surprised as I was.

I read on, my heart was pounding. "This is a permanent position with the US Forest Service, initially on secondment to the Texas A&M Forest Service Air Crew for 6-months, co-managing the air desk at Austin-Bergstrom International Airport, then placement into our Firefighter Crews. We feel it would be an opportunity for you and the Service."

By now everything had stopped. Ben's hand was resting on my shoulder, his body pressed against mine. He must have moved up behind me while I was reading - I didn't even notice. "Oh my god! Jamie, you've done it!" Kissing the side of my head, he pleaded, "Please, read on."

"If you could, at your earliest convenience, contact the Director of Services, Region 8, via the enclosed, so that we can arrange to meet with you upon your return from Australia. Regards, Deputy Chief, Region 8, USFS."

I sat there silent for 30 seconds. "They've offered me a job?" Confused completely. "So, I'm heading back to the US with a job offer! This - it's so left field." I'd forgotten about the letter I'd sent in.

"Wow - the air desk isn't far from home either! Shit, I could ride a bike or run to work some days."

I kept re-reading the email, just to make sure I hadn't stuffed up and was getting it all wrong, "Hey Ben, can you please...?" gesturing for him to read the screen.

"Congratulations, son," Mom and Dad both hugged me, and Ben was squished in there too, busily reading.

"Yep, Oh wow - so proud of you, Skip."

"Thanks, Tex."

"Hmm, 'Tex' today. How many nicknames do you have for each other?" Mom asked.

"A few Ma'am."

"Ben, there's no need for ma'am. Mom or Kate will do, please."

"Sure, ma'am." His face went bright red.

"It's not going to work, mom. He's too polite."

"Ok, my boys, let's eat!" As mom placed the last platter of food on the counter,

Ben handed my cell back.

"I hope I wasn't ... I'm not dreaming, right?"

"Not dreaming."

..o0o..

We'd finished eating and it was time to pile into the car and head to the airport. Ben and I climbed in back, I was sitting behind the dads. As we started to weave our way out of the suburb, I just stared out the window, taking morning in.

What a rollercoaster of emotions... at some point, I just started to stare out front. Every so often Dad's and my eyes would meet in the rear view mirror. He'd just smile, give me a wink - that's his thing. I couldn't help but smile and think about when we were kids. It was his little thing to do to us kids, so simple, but warmed my heart in seconds. Of the many things that our parents were good at, making you feel loved by doing something small was their superpower. To the rest of the world, I'm sure it would seem so insignificant, but meant so much to us.

The calm of the ride to the airport was welcomed. The cabin was filled with a mix of electric energy about my job opportunity, us leaving, busy conversations. Soon enough it was over. In what seemed to be only a matter of moments, I was unloading our bags plus the extra I was taking back with me. The rest of my stuff was in a half-shipping container that would arrive in Austin in about 3 months.

As we were walking toward the terminal, I heard a squeal. Jet and Daisy appeared with delight plastered over their beaming little faces. They grabbed grammy and poppy first, then Ben and me - so many questions, so little time - hey kids.

After checking in at the airline counter, confirming the gate and time, we should head to customs we headed for the public lounge where we'd arranged to meet up with anyone that wanted to before our flight. "I'm sure there won't be a huge gathering - it's only like 5 hours since we finished up at the golf club."

Dad just looked back at me with a sly smile on his face. "If they were smart, they'd still be in bed. Shit... I would be, not!"

As we walked into the lounge, my eyes were filled with the sight of people everywhere: the lounge was reasonably sized, but the forty-odd people made it look small. "Did some of you guys come direct from the golf club or what by the looks of you?" Few had been home for a nap and change of clothes. Even a few guys from the fire service that were on shift last night were there. It was a fantastic feeling, to be so well supported and loved - it is very-very humbling, to say the least.

While doing the rounds saying hi, plus some general chit chat, word had spread about the job offer I'd received. It made the place buzz even more. I didn't think it was possible, but yep, it was.

..o0o..

The time came for us to head to the customs area and the boarding gates. There were plenty of hugs plus a few tears. I grabbed my mom and held her close. "Love you, mom. I'm going to miss you and dad. Please come and visit, please." I felt a tear slip loose.

Studying Mom's face, it was a little red with silent tears rolling down. She was nodding. "Of course we'll come and visit." She stopped to take a steadying breath. "Jamie, your dad's retired now, so we've promised each other to travel, see the world. Plus, you know, in a year or two, I could come see my grandbabies..."

I knew that look: Stephanie was getting it on a three-monthly basis, as was Mason. Katie, thankfully, had taken two for the team. Shit, imagine if there were no grandkids yet - she'd go nuts.

"Mom, we haven't even spoken about kids. "I looked at her face with compassion and a mix of 'okay, not yet mom.' "I don't even know if Ben wants kids. I do, but not just yet..." I kissed her on the forehead "...but love that you're trying that on with us already."

"I've spoken to Ben, honey. He wants kids,...just after you guys get settled at work and home." I was stunned. Of course, my mom has cornered Ben. Shit, I hope he's okay. Must have been recent - he's not said anything.

Next moment, I was snapped out of my mind by Dad grabbing me, pulling me into a full-on bear hug. I kissed his cheek. "I'm gonna miss you, dad, really am. You're my dad and best friend too."

"So will I son, but we'll come see you real soon, ok?" His voice was cracking. I could feel a tremble throughout him. "Let me know how you go in Atlanta, ok?"

"Dad, I'm ... I haven't said this enough." He held up his hand to stop me. "No Dad! I haven't told you often enough how much I love you and mom. It's not enough... it doesn't feel enough... just to say thank you for being my dad, for being so much of my life, but thank you, dad, for everything - for being my hero, role model - but most of all, my friend!"

I felt a few tears slip out. I couldn't help it: this was so different to going on secondment. This was relocating. We were both crying now. I Iooked at Ben - he was too.

"I love you too, son. So does your mom. We both do. And couldn't be prouder. So now, you can thank us by giving us a few grandkids, ok? Soon! Love you, son. Go on - continue to make me proud."

My dad is proud of me? Sure he is, but I've never felt it or acknowledged it.

After doing the rounds of goodbyes -- man, this is like the goodbye at a Greek wedding - Ben and I finally broke free. Adam, Jules, Gav, Dave, Jet, Daisy Kate, Todd, Sam, and Ty walked with us over to the departure gate where we said the last of our goodbyes.

As we were walking through the gateway, I turned around. Mom and dad were standing a little back from our friends, not wanting to interfere as they do... god, that drives me nuts when they think that, but anyway... I signed 'I-love-you-with-all-my-heart' - they signed back, 'love you'.

"BEN WAIT!"

I dropped my bag and sprinted the short distance back to mom and dad. I swept them up in my arms, hugging them for a few more moments. We were all almost silent crying. Then I felt another pair of hands - they were Ben's, I could tell by the feel - but also he was wearing my cologne -- Nautica Voyage.

Then moments later, everyone else joined in.

Those times where I doubted myself if I was loved or supported - those dark moments - this was the bright light to drive that away forever.

..o0o..

The flights back were pretty uneventful. I found out that Mom had cornered Ben about kids when dad and I headed out to the car, just before we left their place to the airport, go figure.

"Hey, don't worry, Jamie - I expected it earlier. Thought I was going to get away with it, ha-ha. My mom started weeks ago."

I just shook my head and smiled. "Good to see that they treat us equally -- married, now kids -- please! - and your mom got the jump on mine! Too good."