It Was Always You

NOTE:

Hi gays and girls. I'm back! LOL. Sorry for the very long delay. I had a one man project at work that prevented me from writing this chapter. I have been rewriting this one for the past few days and finally finished it. Also, I don't know when I can pass the next chapter so... I will just surprise you.

Kyle

I thought it would be easier dealing with Jacob. I was wrong. It was very hard for me to move on. I was spending more and more time with him in school and we hang out with the guys after. Then Jacob started bringing Seth around - his boyfriend of two weeks. No one knew about him. Of course, I was fucking jealous. He's a nurse at a private hospital in the city. And he's a douche. Anyone who is romantically associated to Jacob, except me, is a douche

.

I wanted to punch his smugly face. I knew then that I'd have to distance myself from them. I started 'volunteering' for nonexistent school works. I needed to keep myself 'busy' to take Jacob out of my mind and to justify my wanting to not spend time with him. In reality, I was just killing time in the outskirts of town. Some weekends, I went to a cooking class then drove out of town and returned Sunday evening just so the guys wouldn't be able to force me to hang out.

"Where were you again last weekend?" Rob asked me.

"Uhhh... I went out of town."

"Dude, you're missing the parties, the barbeques, beer..."

"Yeah, I know. Sorry."

"You really had to sacrifice all that just to avoid Jacob?"

I glared at him for being on point.

"You know, you can't avoid him for a few more weeks."

"I know. But the less time I spend with him, the better."

"Well, has it helped you move on in any way?"

"I don't know... yet. But I think it will help me feel better - temporarily."

"You can't possibly move on by avoiding him like the plague. You're not moving on. You're just running away."

Don't I know it?

I said in my mind. Years have passed and he's still pretty much the love of my life.

How the fuck did I not move on during those years?

What the fuck should I do?

"Are you even listening to me?" Rob asked.

"No," I answered.

"Geez. Why don't you date someone else? Meet new people? You know, they say the best way to move on is to find someone new."

"Yeah. It's easy to find someone new," I said sarcastically.

"Cause you are not looking. Admit it. You're still hoping that Jacob might still love you."

"Am not."

"Then go out. Meet new people. The only new people you have met were Sarah and her dad. Have you even visited the gay bar?"

"Our town has a gay bar?" I asked.

Rob rolled his eyes.

"Who are you? Where's the cave you came from?" he asked me out of frustration.

"I... I've never been inside one"

Rob's eyes widened.

"Are you fucking serious? Not even during college?"

"Yeah."

"Oh God. Maybe you ARE hopeless. You're a virgin gay man who has never stepped foot in a gay bar and who is hopelessly in love with his ex best friend who doesn't even want him anymore."

"Maybe I should enter the seminary," I suggested.

"Aren't you too old for that? And do you even read the bible?"

I sighed.

"Electroshock therapy it is," I joked.

"Who's undergoing Electroshock Therapy?" Jacob's voice boomed from behind. Shit. Even just his voice is enough to make my body shiver.

"Nobody," I said.

"Oh-kay." Jacob sat beside me.

Why the fuck is he here? Go to your boyfriend! Shoo! Shoo!

Nobody uttered a single word for a full minute. I decided to focus on my meal; I haven't even finished half of it. Also, I'm still hungry. I want to leave.

Fuck it.

I stood up and took my lunch tray.

"I'm finished," I lied. "See you guys around." I moved to the trash bin and emptied my tray. I made a mistake of looking at Jacob. Our eyes met. He was eyeing me like he was seeing through me. I quickly broke the contact and headed for the door.

***

I was sipping on my last beer when someone rang my door bell. Whoever it was pressed it continuously like their life depended on it. It was 10 PM and I have no idea who it was. I opened the door to see Jacob. He seemed to be drunk.

"Are you drunk on a Monday night?"

"Hell yeah!" he shouted. I shushed him.

"Dude, it's late, stop shouting."

"Sorry." He flashed me a toothy smile - though he looked stupid.

"What are you doing here?"

"I dropped my keys somewhere on the overgrown patches in the lawn. Can't find it so... I decided to sleep here tonight."

"Wha-!"

"Thanks." He let himself in. It was too late for me to protest. He was already occupying in the couch. He didn't look comfortable. He was too big for the couch. I proceeded to try waking him up.

"Jake... Jake... Wake up."

"I'm trying to sleep, Kyle."

"Go sleep in the guest room," I told him.

"But -"

"No protesting or I'm kicking you out."

I walked him to the guest room and tucked him in bed. I took out a bucket and put it beside the bed in case he felt nauseated.

I returned downstairs to clean up my mess. After a few minutes, I went upstairs and cleaned myself up. I went to check on Jacob who was peacefully sleeping. I let my defenses down and stared at him longingly.

I just chuckled when I realized that this is all that I could do now. I closed the door and went to my bedroom.

***

It was nearly midnight when I heard a faint knock on my door. I rose from bed and opened the door to see Jacob holding his pillow.

"C-can I sleep here?" Jacob asked.

I just nodded because my brain refused to weigh the pros and cons of sleeping beside Jacob. Jacob closed the door and I lead him to bed. He took the right side of the bed. I usually slept sideways facing the other direction.

It was too late for me to realize that Jacob's hands snaked around my body. He was now spooning me from behind. He put his head between my neck and my shoulder. The feeling was just too familiar. It was something that my body craved for a very long time. I had no choice but to give in.

"Kyle.."

"Yeah?"

"I really missed you. I missed this. I missed everything we did. I love you." Fuck. He tightened his hug on me. I held his hands tightly. I fought to not turn over. I convinced myself that it's just drunk talk. I silently cried until I fell asleep.

***

Jacob was no longer in my bed when I woke up. Was it just a dream? I went to see if he was on the guest room. He wasn't there either. Maybe he went home already. Then I smelled the burning bacon downstairs. I went down to see him cooking shirtless. Fuck. Double fuck. He looked good enough to eat.

He turned around and caught me staring. I blushed.

"Hey," Jacob greeted me.

"Hey," I greeted back.

"Here, help yourself." He handed me a plate and put platters of eggs, bacon, and sausages on the table.

"Thanks, Jake."

"Thanks for last night too," he said as he fix his food.

We sat and ate quietly. It was a precious moment for me. This may be the last time I have this moment with him, alone, quiet, and intimate.

***

I wasn't able to dodge Rob's birthday party. He invited everyone including Jacob. It was very uncomfortable as it was the first time we've seen each other since he made me breakfast. I made sure that I avoided him that week. I let my guard down and I almost forgot that I was trying to move on.

Evidently, Jacob and I fell into Rob's not very obvious planned game. We were forced and trapped in a bedroom in Rob's house and we are not supposed to get out for three hours.

"So, we're trapped here," Jacob said.

"Yeah."

"So, what do you want to do?"

"I don't know. Sleep through it I guess."

"It'd be easier if we had our phones."

"Yeah."

Those douche bags certainly planned this.

"I heard you haven't brought Seth around lately?" I asked.

He just gave me a faint smile.

"Are you guys having troubles?"

"No."

"Okay."

"Okay what?"

"Okay as in I did not mean to pry."

"It's okay. He's really busy these days. I'm also busy with teaching and the Graduate program."

"Oh. Well I hope you guys can find the time to spend with each other. That's what people do with who they love, right?"

Jacob remained silent for a few minutes before he muttered, "Right." He became distant again for some reason. I got the feeling we're beside each other yet miles apart. I suddenly felt the need to get out of the room. My hands trembled lightly and I began to feel claustrophobic. I began to regret that I did not bring any liquor to the room. If I knew, it would have helped me calm my nerves. I should've just shut up.

I began breathing deeply and exhaling slowly. It calmed me a bit but the feeling still had my hands trembling. Jacob saw it and ignored me. He turned in the other direction and laid down.

I did the same. I closed my eyes, praying that this would be over soon.

***

I woke up from the slight tap on my shoulder. It was Jacob.

"Is it over?" I asked him.

"Yeah. But I think they've forgotten us. It's been hours," he said calmly.

"What the fuck?"

I stood up and went for the door. I no longer heard the loud music that was blaring before.

"Rob, open this door now!" I smashed on it loudly."Rob! Open it now!" I called angrily partly from being manipulated into the game and from the need to get away from Jacob immediately.

After a few minutes, he finally opened it. He was fucking half asleep.

"Dude, it's fucking two in the morning."

"Obviously. And thanks for locking us up. Thanks for making it more awkward."

I saw the others sprawled on the couch, carpet, or wherever they found comfortable. I took my phone from where they put it and headed for the door.

***

Rob called me multiple times that Saturday morning. I fucking ignored all of his calls. I turned off my phone as I couldn't take the buzzing anymore. I was seriously pissed at what they had done.

Like seriously, they already know that Jacob had a boyfriend. What the heck were they trying to pull?

I shut everything out for today and had a date with my DVDs until the evening. I only took a break when I had to pee, shit, or get the door to get the Pizza and Chinese delivery.

"Kyle!" someone called from outside, then proceeded to ring the door bell. I deeply regretted that I ignored the first few rings. The person is now raping the button and is irritating the hell out of me.

I opened the door violently and screamed.

"What!?"

Jacob hugged me as soon as I opened the door. He was crying. I couldn't help but hug him as well. After all, he was my best friend and the one I love. Loved, I mean. I hugged him as tight as I could and stroked his back. I lead him inside and had him sat in the couch. I took a six pack from the fridge and brought it to him.

I gave him a beer and asked what happened.

"You told me last night that we must make time for the people we love, I did that. I visited him in the hospital. I found him lip locked with a doctor."

"I knew that dude is a douche bag," I joked.

He laughed and lightly punched me on the arm. He moved and sat very close to me on the couch. He leaned his head on my shoulder just like he used to. Then his right hand snaked through my left hand. He was holding my hand intimately, like I was his lover. It made me really uncomfortable but I decided to let him since he was brokenhearted.

'I am only doing this because I am his friend. I am not doing this because I expect more.'

I kept telling myself. But as he rubbed his thumb against mine, I felt every feeling I tried to suppress grow. It scared me so I removed my hand from his.

He looked at me, worried.

"I-I'm sorry. I -" I tried to reassure him but he cut me off.

"No. It's my fault. I shouldn't have bothered you." Jake stood up to leave. Without thinking, I grabbed his hand to stop him.

"D-don't go."

"Why shouldn't I? You don't even want to be around me. You even make stupid excuses to not spend time with me. You just go somewhere on the edge of town to avoid hanging out with us; to avoid me," he said bitterly.

"It's not like that, okay? It's not true that I don't want to be around you. I wanted to be around you in a way that I am not supposed to be. I still see you as more than a friend. I still picture us together till we are old, bald, and toothless. But I know that it's not the same with you. Then you started bringing Seth around and I knew that I couldn't spend a minute around the two of you. I wanted to punch a hole though his ugly face. And doing that would only hurt you. I don't want to hurt you again. I'm trying to move on, so I can be friends with you again."

I stopped talking and took a deep breath. Jacob sat beside me.

"Sometimes I wish we were kids again. I wish we didn't have to grow up so that we could be together always. I wish we didn't have to go through that shit in high school. I wish I wasn't stupid back then and gave you up," I told him.

"You know, we can never go back, right? But you know, we can be friends again."

"That's why I'm trying hard to move on. "

"Then - then, why don't we just spend my remaining time here like we were supposed to be before."

"But -"

"You can move on after I go back to Massachusetts. I only have a month and a few weeks left, and I really want to spend that time with you. Let's relive the times we were happy. Let's replace the bad memories with good ones. I know we can do that."

I nodded at his suggestion. But I wondered whether I would be able to get out of it unscathed.

***

"Yow. It's time to go or we'll be late for the movies," Jacob said impatiently.

"But I'm not yet finished with the papers."

"You can do that tomorrow, Kyle. Come on. Stand up or I'll drag your scrawny ass."

"Ugh. You're lucky that you only need to look at computer programs to check the output of your students." I glared at him. He grinned back at me.

I stood up to admit defeat. I know I won't be able to hear the end of it if I don't get ready. I arranged the papers and put them in a drawer. I lazily grabbed my bag and dragged my feet. I wanted to tell him that I don't want to see the movie he wanted to see. I didn't want to see another zombie flick. They are plainly annoying. The Walking Dead is already a torture to me.

"Come on. Why don't you show some enthusiasm on our first date?" he teased.

I rolled my eyes and sighed. Ever since we tried being friends like years ago, he bugged me every time he could. Sometimes, he would come to my house after work and watch a movie, play a game, or test something he is trying to program. Or he'd drag me late at night to play bowling or pool. He'd ring my door bell continuously in the morning until I woke up and opened the door for him. Then he'd bug me to make him breakfast - the heathen. At least he gave me money to buy what he likes from the grocery. He even joined me in the cooking class. He enjoyed making a mess and he looked at Sarah's dad a bit strange. He even told me to stop talking to him. Of course, I didn't do that.

It wasn't like this back then. I got the feeling that he just wanted to annoy me.

***

He was all smiles when we left the theatre. He really enjoyed the movie. I, on the other hand, wanted to kill him for the wasted 2 hours of my life. Time is precious and it doesn't equate to a bad zombie flick. But to be honest, I really liked seeing him so happy. I hadn't seen him like that for a very long time.

"You didn't like the movie?" he asked.

"Yeah. I'm tired of zombie flicks."

"Oh. Then what do you want to watch?"

"Nothing really. Wanna eat?"

"Sure. Since we watched the movie I wanted. We'll eat the food you want."

"Really?" I smiled with a bit of malice.

And so we went to a Thai restaurant. He looked baffled. He always hated Thai food.

"I'm sorry I made you watch that zombie flick. Please let's go somewhere else," he said while his head was down.

"No can do. I want Thai food right now."

"But..."

"No buts."

"I hate you," he said then pouted. Damn. He looked really cute.

Five minutes later, I was devouring my pad thai and he only managed to eat a spoonful. As soon as I finished my pad thai, he gave me his and I finished it. On the way home, I stopped by Pizza Hut and ordered two pizzas. I felt shitty about taking him to the Thai place. His stomach was growling from hunger the entire time and I couldn't take it. My mom would kill me if she found out. She was one of his biggest fans. I felt happy when I saw him smile when we reached the drive-through for pizza. I bought him three pizzas.

"How am I supposed to finish these!?" Jacob asked while his mouth was stuffed.

"I thought you could. Your stomach's growls were louder than the radio."

"Well yeah. You starved me to death with Thai food. You always knew I hated it."

"Well you know that I am sick of zombies. And I really feel bad bringing you to the Thai place, okay?"

"Sorry. And thanks for the pizza."

We were quiet the entire time going home. And by the Gods, he went through two boxes in less than an hour. I felt myself vomiting the pad thai I had earlier. Watching him eat the pizza made me feel that I was full again. I was thinking of never eating pizza again after this. By the time we reached home, only one slice was left. How the fuck had he finished those? Even the crusts were gone!

"You want the last piece?" Jacob asked.

"No. Looks like you still need it," I vehemently refused. The aroma of the pizza tingled the back of my throat. I felt like vomiting.

"Thanks." He happily devoured it.

I immediately laid on the sofa when we got home. Jacob soon followed me in. He put my head on his lap. I immediately folded my feet and put the right one over the left to hide my growing erection. This was just too fucking sweet.

Jacob began speaking but his pizza breath nauseated me. I covered my nose to prevent vomiting.

"What? Does my breath smell bad?"

"No. But can you brush your teeth first? Your breath smells like pizza and it's nauseating. There are unused brushes in the cupboard."

Five minutes later, he came back and put my head again in his lap. The smell of mint was refreshing. I no longer felt the slight tingle on the back of my throat.

"Can I sleep here again tonight?"

"Yeah sure. Let me get the -"

"Shut it. I'm sleeping beside you."

"But -"

"Stop saying but or I'll kiss you."

***

I was lying on the bed and staring at the ceiling. I was nervous as fuck. Jacob was taking a bath. I really wanted to say 'but' earlier. A thousand times would suffice.

Jacob returned in only his boxers. Fuck. I wanted to eat him up right then. He looked so damn beautiful. I wanted to touch him in every immoral way I can think of.

'ButButButButButButButButButButButButButButButButButButButButButButButButButButButButButButButButButButButButButButButButButButButButButButButButButButButButButButButButButButButButButButButButButButButButButButButButButButButButButButButButButButButButButButButButButButButButButButButButButButButButButButButButButButButButButButButButButButButButButButButButButButButButButButBut'

I said to myself. I wished that he was a telepath and that he was reading my mind right then.

"You were thinking of saying but, weren't you?" he said. Maybe. I didn't really hear what he said exactly.

"What?" I asked. Then he kissed me.

"I said what! W-H-A-T!" I protested.

"I know," he said.

"But -"

I slipped and he kissed me. The worst part this time was that I kissed him back... with tongue.

Shit.

I wanted to pull away but my body clearly did not want me too. In fact, it was eager to answer every kiss. He was now on top of me. I could feel his hard cock pressing against mine. He ground against me with every kiss. He tried to pull away but I would not let him. I was addicted. I held onto him like my life depended on kissing him.