If I Had You

I'm offering a warning for this chapter.

This storyline includes a description of an assault. If this is troublesome for you, I'd understand if you skip this chapter. Please know it's relevant to the story and not just gratuitous. Thank you.

-

Paul received Mason's message loud and clear. He never had any intention of hurting Jay, but whoever caused the emotional damage apparently never came to trial with his friends. If they had, Paul never would have received a warning - a one-time courtesy he felt granted him from Mason.

-

"Ok, now that we're all here, let's go tubing!" Jay yelled, an attempt to ramp up his group's energy.

The friends left the lodge, heading to the rental area to get their tubes. After a few of the boozed up hot chocolates Grey was passing out, the cold winter air didn't feel as biting anymore.

"Do we want to go as one group or split up?" Jay asked

"Let's do teams" Grey cheered "we'll race!"

With Jay and Grey seemingly taking point as team captains, the rest of the party fell in line.

"Ok, now, I've never done this before. What should I do? What do I need to know?" Paul asked nervously.

"All you need to do is just hang on and enjoy the ride" Jay said encouragingly "you're going to love it!"

'I'm calling it" Grey yelled "Paul and Jamie against the A's!"

"No! Not the A's again" groaned Mason. "At what age does that stop?"

"Guess it's not 24" Jay protested as well.

The A's - the rhyming of Jason, Mason & Greyson - had known each other their entire lives. They grew up together and went to school together - they were best friends who always looked out for one another. The nickname was cute when they were 8, but it got tiring as they got older. Seems Grey was the only one who didn't mind continuing it.

Paul and Jaime got the first chair on the lift, climbing the mountain while the others waited for theirs.

"So, Paul, now that I have you captive, how did you meet my brother?" Jamie asked. Paul felt like he was about to be grilled, but kind of expected it.

"We met at work" Paul offered "I just started there and Jason was nice enough to show me around. Truth is, he kinda got roped into it."

"How long have you been dating?" Jamie continued "You know, since my brother didn't care enough to tell me." Both men laughed.

Paul looked for a delicate way of giving Jamie details and still keeping Jay's privacy. "This is all very new. I mean, we kinda just met."

"You should know, this group is very protective of Jason" said Jamie "I couldn't bear to see what happened last time repeated."

"Jamie, I understand Jason got hurt before he met me. He won't talk about it... and I respect that" Paul explained "but I'm not that person. Like I told Mason earlier, I'll never hurt him."

Jamie's expression changed when he learned Mason had already confronted Paul. "What did Mason tell you?" Jaime asked

"That I better not hurt him. Jaime, I promise you, I won't do that. But what happened?"

Jaime pondered a few seconds "He was hurt mentally..." he paused "and physically. I think that's all I should tell you. The rest should come from him."

Paul made an audible gasp "hurt physically? Jaime, shit, what happened?" Paul was stunned. No wonder Jay was closed off. "Jamie, I can promise you, I would never hurt Jason like that. Never." Paul was emphatic.

"That's good to hear" Jamie's voice softening "I don't know if any of us could handle that again. Thank you."

Jamie took a deep breath, gave Paul a slight smile, and went in for a fist bump "Now, let's win this thing!" he yelled

-

Grey and Jason caught the next chair and it didn't take long before she started gushing "my god, he's so cute!" Oh, Jason, he's adorable!"

Jay waved his hands at her, trying to get her to shut up so he could talk "Grey, stop. Don't get carried away. I'm not sure he feels the same way."

"What do you mean feels the same way?" she asked, deflated that Jay dampened her enthusiasm "He's your boyfriend isn't he?"

"Grey, it's more complicated than that." Jay lamented "I'm not sure we're on the same page yet - it's too early."

"Well, he wouldn't say he was your boyfriend if he wasn't?" Grey was very confused

Jason tried to help her understand, but wasn't sure he knew any more than she did "we're both very new to the whole relationship thing" he explained "we might have different... expectations. I don't know..."

-

The first four waited while Mason's chair finally reached the top.

The group made their way to the rental shack where they picked up their rubber racers.

Their tubes were readied - Paul and Jaime got the first one while the trio took the second. The teams lined up side by side, "pushers" counted down, and the tubes were launched down the slope.

Both teams whizzed down the mountainside, wind and snow whipping their faces - the loudest sound echoing through the trees were Grey's screams. The tubes flew over the hills and valleys of the landscape, the riders bouncing and going airborne. While the A's leaned back enjoying the ride, Paul and Jamie leaned forward - throwing their weight forwards hoping for momentum.

The teams reached the bottom with The A's just barely winning. Grey doing a ridiculous victory lap around the guys and the tubes. The alcohol was wearing off, so the air felt much colder than when they left the lodge. The group did a few more runs down the slopes, changing partners as the day wore on. After a few hours the cold took its toll on everyone.

"Let's go have another drink or two to warm up" Mason suggested "I'm cold and wet"

Jamie opted for coffee, May and Grey had a few of the caustic hot chocolates from earlier, and Jay and Paul settled in - sitting close to one another by the fireplace - wanting to dry off a little before the ride home.

"Hey, it's getting late, why doesn't everyone just crash at my place tonight" Jamie suggested. His inflection sounding more Father than friend.

"Thanks Jaime, but I've gotta get home." Grey said "I wanna tuck the kids in tonight. "Yeah, and the wife set a firm curfew for me today" Mason laughed.

"Jason, Paul - how about you two? You've got the longest ride home." The two looked at each other, Jay finally taking his brother up on his offer.

The group said their goodbyes, hugs for everyone all around. They all promised it wouldn't be so long until they got together again, walked to the parking lot, and each went their separate ways. Jay & Paul followed Jamie to his place.

Jamie set up the guest room downstairs before he retreated upstairs to his room.

-

"Good, finally some time alone" Paul said, reaching out and pulling Jay in for a kiss.

"What do you say we go to bed." Jay said bluntly "I'm tired from the cold and booze."

"Go to bed with you? What a wonderful idea" Paul said in his best seductive voice, giving Jay a wink."

The guys got in bed, Paul sliding over so he was pressing against Jay - pulling him in tightly. He kissed the back of Jay's neck, working his way down to his shoulders.

Jay had no intention of going any further. He was shaken from his conversation with Grey on the ski lift. What were they exactly? We're they just fuck buddies? Friends with benefits? Neither of those were choices Jay wanted - they wouldn't be enough to satisfy the feelings he was having.

"Ummm, Paul, what's that pressing against my back?" Jay deadpanned. He knew damn well what it was - from its wetness & size, he knew it was Paul's hard-on.

Jay rolled over, now facing Paul. He leaned in to kiss him. "Paul, we need to talk - about us - about this" reaching down to grasp Paul's hard cock. "I'm gay, you're straight. This happened before and I got hurt..." his voice trailing off.

Paul already knew Jay had been hurt, but he wanted him to continue. Jay laid his head on Paul's chest, Paul kissing Jay's forehead.

Jay thought he heard a quiver in Paul's voice "What makes you so sure I'm straight - I'm not even sure"

Jay lifted his head to look into Paul's eyes, looking confused about what he just said. "Didn't you tell me you were with girls before, orally at least?"

Paul corrected him "No, when I said nobody ever swallowed me before I meant nobody, ever. I was never with anyone sexually before. You're my first - it just felt right with you."

Paul continued, trying to reassure Jay. "Listen to me. I could have had meaningless encounters with girls by now - enough of them tried. We'd kiss, they'd fondle my dick through my pants, I'd get horny... take them off - they'd see my size and it'd scare them off." Paul rolled over on his back, staring at the ceiling - Jay's hand still gripping his dick. "Gay guys approached me - they heard girls talked about what I had and they wanted it, but I was never attracted to guys... I never had those kinds of thoughts or feelings."

Jay let go of Paul's dick and started to pull away. He knew it, he felt so dumb. He told himself this would end poorly and here he was being crushed once more. He had a way of falling for unavailable guys no matter how much he closed himself off.

"Hey... you. Hey, look at me." Paul's voice starting to break, his eyes getting wet "I never had those feelings until you. Jay, I knew I had to be with you. Call it gay, call it bisexual... I don't know. I just want you - my life needs you. If I had you, I could do anything."

Jay took a deep breath. He finally felt calm - felt like himself - and Paul's explanation was enough.

-

Jay rolled over, straddling Paul, sitting on his stomach. Jay leaned down and kissed Paul deeply, both their mouths parting to make way for each other's tongues. Minutes passed as they kissed, Jay had inhaled Paul's scent before, and tasted Paul's load, but everything felt more enhanced. Like someone flipped a switch and turned Paul's pheromones to high.

As they kissed, Paul broke the moment - embarrassed - saying "I don't know what to do."

"I do" Jay said reassuringly "just lay back and relax"

He lifted himself off Paul's stomach and slid down his long, muscular body - kissing Paul's chest as he went. He pinched Paul's perfect nipples, eliciting moans of pleasure from him, taking time to make sure each one got the attention it deserved. Jay kissed Paul all the down his torso until he reached his cock.

Jay took Paul into his mouth. Slowly, teasingly, licking the head of Paul's leaking cock. Jay savored the flavor like he was a condemned man having his last meal. He had Paul's precum before, and yet, was still surprised at how delicious he found it.

He knew simply enjoying Paul's engorged cock head wasn't enough - for either of them. Jay licked Paul's shaft up and down, making Paul moan with gratitude. He slid his tongue down to Paul's balls, slathering his sack with spit. He took each nut in his mouth, taking turns sucking each one. Paul gasped with pleasure, not knowing what to do with himself. He wriggled on the bed looking for both pleasure and relief. Jay used the excess saliva he left on Paul's nuts, lubing his hand to jack Paul's cock while his tongue swiped across his taint. Paul shivered. He'd never touched himself there.

Jay wanted to work back further between Paul's legs, feeling he was enjoying it, but was afraid it'd make him cum too fast. Instead, he returned his attention to Paul's dick. Jay sucked Paul's cock down his throat, deeply and fully, gagging with appreciation. Paul's moans grew louder as Jay alternated sucking and stroking. Paul began bucking his hips, throwing his head back in pleasure. Jay backed off completely, letting Paul relax and breathe a little - he finally had this man and felt his feelings toward him could be reciprocated - he wasn't going to rush this.

-

Paul sat up, a disappointed look on his face "why'd you stop, did I do something wrong?" he asked.

"No, no - not at all! I just didn't want you to cum too soon. I want you to enjoy yourself" Jay explained.

His face lit up "Are you kidding me? Dude, I *AM* enjoying myself" Paul enthused. "Wait, are you?" disappointment on his face.

"Paul, this isn't about me tonight" Jay proclaimed. "It's about you embracing this experience."

"I'd enjoy it more if I could make you happy too." Paul sighed.

"Here, lay here next to me" Jay patted the bed for Paul. "Jerk me off."

Each guy took the others hard dick in his hand. Paul slowly started jerking Jay off - just touching Jay's cock made Paul shake.

"Wait a second" Jay said "I have something."

Jay climbed off the bed, reaching into his travel bag to fish out a small tube of lube. He came back to Paul, putting a squirt of slickness in his hand, then taking some for himself. He winked to Paul "never leave home without it."

Jay and Paul worked in unison to match each other's pace. Paul was ready to shoot before Jay stopped him earlier, so now with Jay's lubed hand touching his cock, it was taking everything he had not to cum. Jay shifted his position, pressing his body against Paul. He could see his breathing, feel his body tensing - Paul was on the verge.

"Paul, look at me. Focus on me" Jay encouraged "not yet."

"Dude, I can't hold off much longer." Paul was staring into Jay's eyes.

Jay decided he was done torturing him. "Let's go then... Cum for me Paul... Shoot that load!"

That was all the encouragement Paul needed. A few more strokes from Jay caused Paul to blast spurts of cream across his chest. Watching Paul cum excited Jay and he released too - his cock pumping shots of juice on his stomach, leaving it to pool at the base.

The guys caught their breath and laid enjoying each other. Jay reached to Paul, taking a finger full of his cum from his chest, slurping it down. Paul copied Jay and took a taste of his friend as well - his first taste of cum. "Better than I expected" he said, dipping his finger in for a second round. Paul looked to Jay for approval.

"That was amazing Paul. Just watching you enjoying yourself turned me on." Jay said. "How do you feel?"

"Oh my god" Paul said, still breathing heavy "unbelievable!"

-

It was late and both guys were spent. Jay went into the bathroom, grabbing washcloths for them to clean up. Each man took turns wiping the other off. Paul kneeled in front of Jay, taking his soft dick into his mouth - looking up to meet Jay's eyes.

"Don't start anything you're not prepared to finish" Jay laughingly admonished.

"Who's says I'm not prepared?" Paul said, using the same tone

Jay kept his eyes locked on Paul, he couldn't believe how nervous - and right now how calm - this man made him feel. Calmer than he'd felt in years. How could someone he's only known for days give him a feeling of courage - a feeling of trust he hasn't felt since before college.

"Oh, I believe you are" Jay laughed. "Save that enthusiasm for tomorrow - I want us to take our time."

Paul gave Jay a fake pout "your loss"

Jay squeezed Paul's hand as they both got back in bed. Tomorrow they'd drive back to the city and free Paul's car from its ice prison, but right now it was time for sleep.

-

The guys got up early, they wanted to get a move on their day.

Jaime made pancakes - chocolate chip, just like their Mom used to make - and coffee. The three sat around the kitchen table eating & chatting. Reliving yesterday. Jamie broke out some photos of him and Jay as kids to show Paul. Cringeworthy photos that Jay promised his brother he'd get revenge on.

"So, how'd you guys sleep last night?" Jamie asked.

"Peaceful" Jay replied. "Like a baby" Paul affirmed.

Jamie laughed "Really? You two made a lot of noise last night for two guys who slept so peaceful."

"Oh, you heard that" Jay chuckled "sorry." Paul just sat there blushing. "Sorry Jaime" he finally said.

"We'll, it's been a while since this house has seen some action other than my hand" Jamie laughed.

Paul excused himself for the bathroom leaving Jay and Jamie to clean up and talk.

"So, Jason, have you told Paul anything more?" Jamie wondered.

"No, not yet." Jay admitted "I just can't pull that trigger. I'm scared... ashamed... what if he doesn't react well?"

Jamie admitted that he had already spoke to Paul, but didn't go into any details - that would be for Jay to do when he was ready.

"How did he react?" Jay was anxious.

"We'll, he seemed genuinely concerned for you. He was shocked that someone would hurt you." Jamie explained. "Jason, open up to him a little."

It seemed the only way Paul could understand Jay's trauma was to let him in on a it. Maybe on the ride back. Not everything, it's way too soon for that - it'd scare him off for sure - but maybe something.

Jay and Paul thanked Jamie, and apologized again for the noise. Jay put their bags in the Jeep while Jamie pulled Paul aside

"Paul, just listen to him, please" Jamie almost pleaded

"Jamie, I promise I will" Paul explained "He's been patient with me - he deserves that in return."

-

Jay tossed the keys to Paul "how about you drive back?" Jay asked "I'd like to talk"

"Whatever you want, sir" Paul playfully saluted Jay.

They pulled out of the driveway, waving goodbye to Jamie and heading towards the main road.

Jay sat clutching his car seat while Paul drove. On the road only a short time, Jay was trying to think of ways to say what he needed - finally just blurting out "if I tell you something, could you please not judge me?"

Paul reached over for his hand "no judgement at all."

"You asked if Ian and I were dating, and we're not - absolutely not - but I wanted to in college." Jay took a breath and exhaled slowly. "I had a thing for him. I tried to keep it hidden for so long, but I eventually told him..." Jay trailed off.

"Wait, you mean Ian's the one that hurt you" Paul started getting angry.

"No, Paul, no!" Jay protested "Ian saved me! He saved my life!

"What happened Jay" Paul pleaded "what did Ian do?"

"He helped me - supported me. He was there when I needed someone most." Jay stopped "I don't think I can explain it."

Paul looked at Jay concerned "you're explaining pretty well now, keep going... if... if you want to."

Jay took another deep breath "I want to"

-

Jay began going into detail of how his life changed.

Back when Jason started college, he was looking for an apartment off campus. Everything was out of his price range, but then he saw a listing at the student union. There was a house for rent near campus, the owner offering it to the first four students who could pass a background check and pay all deposits up front. Jason's family put up the cash he needed, so the owner chose him. He knew he'd have 3 roommates, but the house was big enough to insure everyone would have their own personal space. The day before move in, the four new housemates got together for introductions and information.

The group met at a restaurant near campus, ordering drinks and talking. Jason learned one roommate, Ian, came from New Jersey and was majoring in Design as well, both guys shared some classes and had a lot in common. Troy was from upstate New York studying Business and lastly Mitch from Georgia majoring in Sports Management. The last two guys already knew each from playing on the University baseball team, but were surprised to find they'd be sharing a house.

From the beginning Jason found himself attracted to Ian. The roomies didn't spend time on details, only covering the basics, so Jason knew nothing of Ian's dating status - although it seemed he didn't go out too much or show any signs of a girlfriend. In reality, he didn't socialize with anyone in the house other than Jason, usually discussing their courses. While Jason and Ian spent their time hanging around the house studying, Troy and Mitch trolled parties looking to pick up girls.

One Friday night nobody had plans, so the four ordered a couple pizzas, scored a couple six packs of beer, and just kicked back and relaxed. They put on a baseball game, even though Jason had no interest in sports, and drank themselves into oblivion. As the night wore on, Jason and Ian found themselves sitting on the couch next to one another. So far Jason felt comfortable around these guys, this was way before his insecure times, and found himself acting like he did around his family and friends at home. He absentmindedly put his arm on the sofa back, resting it behind Ian's shoulder. Mitch and Troy took notice, teasing Ian about letting Jason get too close - he better watch out or he'd put a move on him. Jason jerked his arm back and blamed it on too much to drink and getting comfortable. Nobody brought it up again, but Jay forced himself to pay attention to his body language, how he looked and sounded. After years of feeling free to be himself, here he was being forced back into the closet - at college of all places.