I Promise

It is nearly dawn. Three hours until I have to go to work. Two days since I last slept. It hardly seems worth it anymore. And yet life seems to keep moving… at least the lives of other people. I don’t know what to do, though I certainly know I don’t want the kind platitudes, the murmured condolences, and the hands that offer so little in the face of so much.

“Don’t leave me! Promise me that!”

“I won’t leave you love. Never.”

“Oh God, Jos. It hurts. I’m sorry…. It just hurts so much.”

“Shhh love. It’s alright. Don’t cry. I’m right here. Hold onto me, the pain will go away. The nurse said the doctor would be here shortly to increase the painkiller for you.”

“I don’t want more drugs, Jos. I just want the pain to go away!”

“I know love”, I whisper as I stroke that sweat-soaked hair. I think to myself how appallingly thin he’s become. His eyes have lost their shining whiteness; he barely has the energy left to speak let alone to hold me. How will I ever cope? How can I ever be strong enough for two? My handsome strong lover, my knight, my King; to be set so low by so harsh a blow.

“Don’t ever leave me”

“I won’t. I promise.”

The pain and suffering that he had to endure… and to what end? There was no miracle cure that appeared, and no other way to stave off the advances of the disease. Oh Alec, why couldn’t you stay here with me? Why did you have to get sick? I miss you, and I want you, and I need you so badly! How can I ever continue on like this? How can I live with only half of a soul?

Why? My tears have started falling now. Falling in a way that I couldn’t let them do during all of the ceremony with family, friends and curious public. People who never knew someone that died of Hepatitis and wonder if it’s another of “those gay diseases”. Tears… water…. Water hasn’t been my enemy in a long, long time…

“Come on! Get in here! You’ll love it!”

“No! I’m not going to! This was a stupid idea. Why did I ever let you bring me here?”

“Oh come on! “

“I said ‘No’.”

“Why not then?!” he said, starting in my direction. “What’s wrong?”

I answered my shoes with a low mumble.

“What?” he said as he approached my side.

“I said that I can’t swim. I never learned how.”

“Ah, love. It’s easy. Come on…. Give me your hand. Let me teach you?” Slowly, tentatively, I let my fingers wrap around the hand holding mine. He urged and cajoled me into ever-deeper water, and began teaching me the basics of float, glide and kick. After an hour or two a day of that, we invariably fell into water fights and racing each other to see who could “sand” the other’s towel first. Of course, that always led to the two of us having to share the remaining towel…

That summer is one of the most poignant moments I can recall of the time Alec and me had. He taught me to swim that hot July day. And later that night, taught me the finer arts of love. The restaurant was

Le Horla

, the candles were tall and all the lighting that was being used, the food was perfect, and Alec’s eyes showed me the truth, and gave my heart wings. And then, later that night, when skin was exposed to silk and darkness, when hands cupped along the curve of cheeks, when strangled cries, sweat, and total loss of control didn’t seem out of place; we reaffirmed our commitment.

“Mmm” I moaned as I arched up from the bed, Alec’s damp fingers delicately circling my right nipple as his tongue played merry havoc with my left. Light kisses started leading from my chest down my stomach, where his talented tongue lapped eagerly at my belly button. I was panting in excitement, cock fully hard, trapped as it was between our bodies.

“Please, love… lower…” I managed to murmur as light fingertips drifted down my body, ghosted over my hips, traced serpentine patterns over my upper thighs. I wantonly spread my legs, trying to get my point across, only to hear Alec’s throaty chuckle,

“Eager, are we? Well Mr. Delamarque… care to tell me what it is that you’re so eager for?”

“You. In me. Now”, I gasped. “Please.”

“Hmmm… a bit of a slut are we? Well, no matter. Spread you legs then, love.”

As if his words were some kind of magic code, my thighs opened and I lifted my hips so he could shove a pillow under them. While still tracing abstract patterns on my body with his left hand, his right’s fingers started to slide across my hole. A pause while he dipped his fingers into a jar of lubricant caused me to cry out with loss - quickly cut off when the touches resumed.

So well he knew my body, I didn’t even notice when the fingers breached my barriers. At least, not until seemingly random brushes across my prostate grabbed my attention.

“Oh God! Now Alec. Please! I need you so much. “

A large blunt pressure. A stretched feeling. Utter contentment when he was fully sheathed. Peace as we shared a deep look before he started to move slightly within me. Hard thrusting. Both of us aching to go deeper, longer, harder. Then bliss. Release. Perfection. The two of us cuddled close, both a little sticky, but too in love to care. And in those minutes of debauched satiation, words of absolute truth.

“Promise me, Jos, whatever happens in this life, you will always stay happy. Never be alone and never be sad. Promise me.”

“I promise.”

That was six months before we learned that he was sick. Six short months to do and say everything to each other that we had needed to do. And how many months since then before I remembered that promise? Too many. How upset Alec would be to see me here now.

I slowly graze my fingers across the writing, press my lips to the coolness under my hands and stand up. The sun has risen higher. It is time for me to move on.

Goodbye, my love. Requiscat in pace. I love you still and always, but I’ve decided to choose the good memories to carry with me. The sad ones don’t serve to help either of us. I understand now. Wherever you are, I love you.

As I slowly walk away from the grave, the dawn eases, a brilliant beam of sunshine falls on the area around me.

Thank you, love