"Suresh...Suresh." It was the shout of my father Gokulbhai. Today the parents of a girl came to my house with a marriage proposal and I denied once again, without any particular reason. Dad must be angry about this matter; I thought and descended to drawing room where he sat with a grave face. I took a seat nearby him.
"I can't figure out why you're rejecting every proposal," he tried to say with calmness but his eyes reddened with anger.
"Dad, I wanna settle myself, then..."
"What type of settlement do you need? First you told me, I'm too young, too immature for marriage, while in our community many men your age are married and have children. Then you told me, I want to finish my study. After finishing study, you said after getting a good job. Suresh I won't hear your pretext. The girls from reputable families slipped out of our hand. You know the parents today came, promised to give us large dowry." Dad spoke so speedily, he hadn't taken a single breathe.
"Dad, can't we wait for some years?"
"Years? Are you mad? What answer will I give to our friends when they ask why your son is still unmarried at the age of twenty-two?" I couldn't reply, but looked at my toes waiting for Dad to finish.
"Tell me right now. Do you want to marry or not?"
"Aaa...no" I gathered my all strength to utter the two letters.
"What...what am I hearing from my only son? How can our family tree grow without your marriage? Our Chosla family will vanish without any heir."
"Can I go, dad?" I'm unable to sit anymore hearing this Dark Age's lectures
"I don't know on which bad day you're conceived. After successive eight daughters, we prayed day and night the God to bestow us a son who would preserve our culture and our customs. Suresh...you...you're ruining all my dreams." And the tears emerged from the eyes. Today he was crying, a man who made others cry and heavy handed reign on our area. I should confess. My Dad is the Don of his area, the number one criminal. Many criminal cases were pending.
I left the drawing room and father's baseless preaching. It was nine o'clock. I went to bed and tried to sleep. However my mind didn't wish it. It was meditating, meditating and meditating. The voice especially "What answer will I give our friends when they ask why your son still unmarried?" He hadn't any object regarding his black business or being a Mafioso. But if I ain't married, it shamed him? I knew he was having a relationship with his one of the farmhouse's female workers. When was his prestige this time? He always taunts my mother and calls her unattractive. How could she remain attractive after she conceived eight in less than nine years? My grand mother said, Dad had blighted her youth because, whenever she saw my mother, her womb always protruded with a foetus. My father only married her to produce an heir and to serve him like maid. My mind became void. I couldn't think more and fell asleep
******
"Dad, I've made a decision to take part in spiritual retreat held by our Guru in Haridwar." I said to him. We were having breakfast seating on the mat crossed legs, eating hot and fresh rottis served by mother. I didn't remember when she had the chance to eat fresh breakfast, because she always ate after my dad finished.
"Good, but it starts by 25th and you've got five days. You won't get reservation."
"I'll travel in General coach."
"Why are you taking risk? Go in next retreat."
"Nay, we've Diwali vacation in our company and it's difficult to get leave in running days."
"Then it's your decision." And I finished my breakfast and went in my room.
Dad was staunch follower of Shri Shri Kailashanand of Haridwar, where I'd decided to go. Our walls were flooded with his photos. Beams of light came from his different pictures and cupboards were chocked with his books. Dad wore many threads on his neck and wrist with special charm poured by Guru to protect Dad from many criminal cases. In fact, he was saved because of bribes; he had given to police and the judges to weaken his case. Dad donated twenty percent of his income of black business to his Guru's trust every year, to remove the pot of sins from his head which he had been committing. Guru had this type of many devotees, which kept his bank balance very high like a multi millionaire businessmen. This was according to his unsatisfied disciples (who failed to grab high position in the Ashram.). Whenever I went there with my family, every year, I saw the guru had a bunch of specially imported extravagant cars. However, he could preach uncountabley for hours only on simplicity and austerity, with plenty of gold chin glittering on his bare fat chest and the fingers decorated with heavy gold rings.
******
I departed for Haridwar. As usual the train was deluged with people going for holidays in Diwali vacation or day laborers returning home to celebrate the festival with their family. The big numbers of people were pilgrims going to Haridwar and other religious cities.
I didn't tell dad but I wanted to settle in the Ashram, strictly following the rules of a saint. I didn't want the torture of Dad's continuous pressure of marriage. The first day's topic of retreat was 'Celibacy'. It started at 9 am and ended 1 p.m. Shri Shri Kailashanad told the participants the importance of semen and how to preserve it by the control of mind. He spoke many benefits of this and what disadvantages it cause if we wasted it. Some things which I've remembered were,
"Celibacy is the wick to the lamp of wisdom, without which the flame of divine life will not be lit. House holders should lead a life of meditation and if they have already children, should observe Brahmacharya. The sensual enjoyments of life are pleasant at their commencement only. They turn bitter and unbearable at the end."
At last I took an oath that I always observe celibacy until the last breath and would never masturbate. Then we took our meal. We'd free time after that so I walked down to the River Ganga. Here was a big rush to dip in holy river and free themselves from sin.
I sat on the bank watching people bathe. I saw some middle aged men wearing only their underwear. My penis was becoming stiff. My mind was thinking to go in the river and thrust inside their chubby ass. Oh my God! What was I thinking? I felt the urge to rub. To leave this evil thoughts, I quickly left the river, and started chanting mantras which Shri Shri Kailashannd gave to conquer the senses, and strolled in the bazaar of Haridwar. In evening time, I returned to the ashram, took supper and went to my bed. I remembered the bare men dipping in the Ganga. I was losing the control of my senses, so I hurriedly set off chanting mantras, but to no effect. My hand moved, moved and moved near my penis. I desperately wanted to stop it, but couldn't. Yes, I masturbated and broke the oath. After the ejaculation, my mind suddenly dwelt in the guilt. It felt like I've committed a serious crime. The guilt strengthened and I started crying over my inability to control myself. I sobbed, heavily sobbed. I heard the knock on my door. I wiped my eyes urgently and opened the door.
"Why are you crying? Have you got any difficulty?" said Saint Ramanand, wearing only loins, who was the incharge of the guest wing.
"Nothing serious. I've just remembered something," and again the flow of tears began to roll down.
He hugged me and patted my back to offer his sympathy. His chubby hairy chest rubbed with my face and it stiffened my penis. He took me to the bed and laid there, caressing me and wiping my tears. How he was good to me! The seed of love sprouted in my heart, so I spread my hand around his back to melt in his affection. My crying was stopped. Slowly his one hand moved in my pants. He found my brief, but slipped inside it and at last he discovered his destination. His fingers were probing my asshole. Oh! I shivered in pleasure as he went deeper. I felt his penis tightening against me. He might unable to suffer more delay, so he removed his fingers from my hole and unbuttoned my shirt and pants. Then he untied his loins, and his penis sprang up. It was so hard with ruby red smooth skin and from it peeped out a moist pink head. It curved inside like mine, surrounded by curly black long pubic hair.
"Oh! I can't wait more" he spoke softly and stretched out on his chest near me. I was perplexed, what was he doing?
