Chapter 6 - After the Afterglow
We laid there for a while, my cock still in him. Soon I felt Nate's body getting more tense as we both started to come back into reality. He raised himself, his arms on my shoulders and looked at me with an expression I couldn't quite figure out. He stood up and removed himself from me. He hadn't said a word; just sat for couple seconds with legs on the side of the bed and stood up after I lightly touched his back.
He looked like he wanted to say something but just went to the bathroom. I heard him run the water in the sink and then after a while, flush and shower. I listened with concern as I sat on bed. I was confused about what to do now and just decided to keep moving forward.
I took my shirt and wiped myself clean of his and my cum. I was thinking if joining him in shower now would be inappropriate or welcome. I wanted to give him space, but at the same time I didn't want him to be troubled over it.
I don't know him properly. Hell, I have known him maybe two months now, and given his tough shell, I probably knew nothing. But now I've felt that I've seen part of him that he himself didn't know he has.
My question was answered when he finished showering and I could clearly hear him closing his bedroom door. He left. Decided on silence. I respected that and gave it to him.
For the rest of the day, Nate stayed in his room. When I walked out in the hallway, I heard him talking; like a gossip girl, I stood behind his door listening, realizing he was on call with Ashley. Nate was talking about work and he told her the two of us had a big fight, but it's nothing she needed to be concerned about. His ability to lie somehow struck me, but I understood the need for that, in a way.
The next day we met in the kitchen around lunch. He looked at me with dark circles and redness around his eyes, like he was crying. He wanted to move past me without a word. I was torn but I let him.
Tuesday, he seemed even worse. He looked like he didn't shower, brush his teeth or anything else important. He was in a baggy t-shirt and loose pants, hair all over and his beard started slowly growing in.
When this repeated the next day, his overall state was just worse---like he hadn't slept, washed himself or even eaten more than those few pieces of fruit I saw him sometimes take up to his bedroom.
I spent the whole day Thursday in the kitchen waiting for him. When he came down I handed him his coffee and asked him to sit with me. He refused and tried to move past me. I'd had enough. I was only hoping I wouldn't make this worse, but I thought it was already way too bad.
I took his mug and set it on the counter and then embraced him. He just stood there still, his loose arms next to his body for a few seconds. Then I tightened my arms around him and put my forehead on his shoulder. I sensed his beard brushing on my neck when I felt he inhaled lightly through his nose. He embraced me and breathed me in like something in him craved for it, but it felt like he was restraining himself. Nate started to shake slightly, and I raised my head looking at him, my hand caressing his cheek and neck. He looked at me with a sad face, holding me around my waist.
We didn't say anything. He just slowly removed himself from my embrace and left me alone.
That evening I heard him in the shower. By this point I decided that I needed to leave, and the sooner the better. At the first thing in the morning I'd call my friends and find something - anything, anywhere - at any cost. If needed, I would live in a different country. All I need for work is a laptop. I don't want to break this man.
Before bed, I took a long shower, thinking about who to call, where to live, how to tell Nathaniel. I couldn't help but bring back the memories from that morning three days ago. I started jerking off slowly, but soon became frustrated from how it all ended, and instead of jacking off I felt like punching hole in the wall. So, I turned off the water, brushed my teeth and went to bed.
I already drifted off to sleep when I heard in the silence of my dark room the bathroom door opening. I thought if I should pretend to be asleep when Nate came over my bed and sat on it next to me.
I opened my eyes and from the bathroom light shining in, I saw he was looking at the door.
"I can't stop thinking about it", Nate spoke in a near whisper. I couldn't either, but I decided to stay quiet.
"What is worrying me is not the cheating. It's not that I don't think about Ashley, but I don't feel any remorse in regard to sex. We already had talked about us being fine with either of us having no sex and if such need should arise, to pay someone to deal with it." I raised my eyebrows and sat up in bed, letting him talk. Honestly, I was more than a bit speechless, anyway.
"You may think it's cold or weird, but we honestly never cared. Not since we've been together. I believe Ashley and I were both asexual when we met, and I was happy that we found each other.
I know it's kind of trend now, kids exploring their sexuality saying they are asexual, gay or straight, maybe even bi or pan, trans or whatever they feel fits for them in-between, and it's amazing to have such freedom! To be able to get to know oneself.
But when Ashley or I were in that age, being without lust for someone was non-existent. We both had tough times pleasing our partners, our parents, the world around us. And it took us years to be able to admit it to ourselves, and even longer in front of the other." He stopped and looked at me.
"So, you know I don't care for labels. Even more, realizing that I crave sex with a person other than my wife isn't the biggest issue. What troubles me the most is that I crave you, Rick. Not only that you're a man, but you are Ashley's brother. You are also the one person she cannot stand and the one person I could hurt her probably the most by being with." He stood up, putting his arms around himself.
"Now... Not only do I deal with identity crisis, but also over the worst person possible. You know coming out as asexual in front of my wife..." he took a pause and then started talking to the dark wall in front of him.
"I honestly cherished her, and married her mostly for the fact that she didn't ever guilt me for having little interest in sex. Still, telling her I was asexual was one of the most excruciating moments in my life. The only solace was that it gave us a chance to both come out, in a way. But coming out to her again, not only as gay but as gay and sleeping with her brother, whom she hates for..."
He stopped suddenly as if he nearly told more than he should. I wanted to know more. Maybe if Ashley's reason for hating me would be something deeper than me being gay. Maybe I could have hated her less. I never knew about her being asexual. Hell, I don't know the last thing about struggles asexual people may go through. Who knows if we could've settled our differences over all that pain from us both being different from the norm growing up.
"She has so many unresolved issues..." he corrected himself. "I don't know how she would bear with it. It would destroy her." He looked at me with a pleading look. I put my legs on the carpet, sitting on the bed facing him, covered only by a blanket. Given that I was naked, I felt it would be better for him if I am to stay like this. I could see he had a storm in his head. I myself remember times when I was just slowly admitting to myself I might be gay and the turmoil within me. I wanted to give him all the time and space he needed, all the compassion and understanding he craved, when he was now spilling all the guilt inside of him.
"You know", he said with a sad smile "that vibrator you saw then. It was the reason I told her. I think at that time we tried our best to make up to each other for our lack of sex, thinking we need to please one another. So, one evening we saw some film or something, where a young couple used a vibrator to spice up their sex life, and I don't know which one suggested it, but it was just one of those things. I suppose we did it because we thought it was expected of us. Anyway, it was a disaster; the first time we both did it for the other. But when we tried it the second time I broke down crying, telling her the truth. That night we spent the whole night talking about it, about us. And that morning when we laid there I was really intimately happy. That morning I asked her to marry me."
Even though he was mentioning sex with my sister, I didn't care at all. All I heard was the pain in his words and his loneliness. Maybe my idea of 'cold and lonely' is very different from theirs, and that's why I disregarded all those fond gestures, caring and knowing one another. They lived platonically, but they may have had a stronger bond than I thought. It may feel cold and lonely just because there was no sexual connection, one which I so value and connect with relationships. This talk of his uncovered much for me. But still, it didn't tell me anything about one thing: What are we? Me and Nathaniel?
"Nathaniel. Please come here." I reached out my hand to him.
"I worry that if I come to you, I'll kiss you", he said in a whisper.
"Then kiss me."
"Please, don't do this to me."
I let my hand down. "I will leave tomorrow."
He looked at me with an expression of shock, like such a possibility was non-existent and I just broke the Universe. The fear and sheer terror in his eyes, I couldn't bear it. I stood up, the blanket falling to the floor. He looked at my naked figure, frozen on the spot. I came over to him, taking his face into my hands.
"Nathaniel. If it helps you, if all you wish for, is returning to your old happy life, with Ashley, I will leave and never come back. I will wish you all the happiness you can take. But if there is a chance you would spend your life regretting that decision, tell me now."
"How could I know, Rick? Before I met you, I was a happy asexual man with an amazing, caring wife. How can I know if I will be able to go back? Fuck, I know I won't! I don't know if I've always been gay, so far in closet I myself didn't know. Do you know how many times before you I smelled another man's cum? None! All I know now is that I'm confused, hungry for more and ashamed for what it would do to her if I won't stop. I have no idea what to do now."
"Stop this." I pointed my index finger to his forehead. "You are spiraling. Let go. Breathe."
"Fuck you!"
"We can try that, too." I smirked at him.
He looked at me speechlessly. "I am so tired." He laid his head on my shoulder.
