It was late on a Friday night, back in the 90s.
The ride home from my regular bar involved two buses. I usually walked the second leg and it gave me a chance to drop into the erotic book store... if I went a block or two out of my way. Which I did, pretty much every time.
The shop sold all types of material and I'd taken to buying gay magazines. I'd never done anything with another guy, but I got excited by seeing men sucking cocks and fucking.
I'd been going in there from time to time for a couple of years. To begin with, I'd just only picked out straight porn, but then I started drifting over to the gay section and briefly browsing there.
Later I'd spend more time looking at the pictures of naked men and their erect penises and finally, a few months before, I allowed myself to actually buy gay porn. Two magazines and a VHS.
Paul, at the counter, had looked at me and smiled a knowing smile.
"You're finally taking the plunge, I see. It took you long enough."
I guess he'd watched my progress over the months. I felt ashamed as I paid him and left with the guilty bag under my arm. And yet I knew that I would soon be stroking my cock as I looked at other men.
I had an erection as I walked home.
It was an intense weekend, that first time. I stroked my cock and came to the pictures of men. Some just posing, some engaged in sex acts with others. All with magnificent cocks.
I allowed myself to admire them. Let my inhibitions go and reveled in the appreciation of these studs with their huge, hard meat on display.
I masturbated to orgasm four times before I got to the end of the videotape.
It was Sunday evening by then and I was exhausted. It seemed like I had only stopped to eat and sleep for two days, the rest of the time I'd been jerking my permanently hard cock. It had been fantastically erotic and I knew I was hooked on gay porn.
I started to imagine taking part in the action. What would I want to do?
I couldn't decide. It all excited me.
I wanted to suck cock. I wanted to feel a man's mouth on mine.
I wanted to slip my erect penis between the tight smooth muscled cheeks of a buff man's ass and fuck him, and I enjoyed imagining a strong manly man pushing his cock into me.
One night I bought a dildo and some lube. Paul smiled again as he took my money.
He knew. He knew my secret. He knew how far my experimentation was going.
The anticipation, walking home was almost unbearable. I was going to fuck myself for the first time.
But I began to doubt myself. Question who I was.
I'd only ever had girlfriends. I'd never been attracted to men.
I still wasn't. I didn't walk along the street and check out guys. I looked at, admired, lusted for females.
But when I got to my building, I didn't second guess myself, the excitement was high and my cock was stiff as I hurried up from the lobby to my apartment.
I wasted no time. Stripped naked and took my growing collection of magazines out of their hiding place.
My cock was hard and bouncing up and down as I walked through to my bedroom where the freshly unboxed sex toy awaited me.
The first thing I did was hold it in my hand. I stroked up and down, imagining a real cock in my hand. I held it against my own hard cock. It was bigger. Bigger than I'd expected. I held it against myself and stroked both together.
And then I took the dildo and put it to my lips. Opened my mouth and started sucking on it.
Yes, yes! I was doing it! Sucking a cock. Like I'd imagined.
I stroked myself to orgasm quickly as I sucked off the big rubber dildo. My cum shot up onto my hairless chest and began trickling back down towards my groin.
I'd never eaten my own cum before, but it seemed like the right thing now. I scooped up some of my cum and slathered it on the dildo. Then I put it back into my mouth. Sucking a cock and tasting cum for the first time.
I rested for a few minutes, after my orgasm but sucking the cock and pretending it was one of the attractive men in my magazines brought me back quickly.
And now it was time, I knew, to see if I could get this toy into myself. To find out if I liked it, and not just the fantasy.
It took a while before I was able to take the rubber cock into my ass all the way.
I lay on my back with my legs apart but it was awkward.
Eventually I figured out to sit myself down on the upturned dildo and lower myself slowly.
It was painful. I hadn't figured out how to relax. And I needed more lube.
I rubbed on a whole lot and also rubbed some onto my ass.
Then with my slippery finger I pushed into my own ass and lubed myself even more. This was the first time I had ever fingered myself. I enjoyed it even as I felt shame for being such a deviant.
But I couldn't stop. I wanted this, I knew.
I positioned the cock against my anus and lay back again. This time bending my leg and using my heel to put steady pressure on the end of the dildo as I lay there.
My hands were on my asscheeks, pulling them apart, as I finally managed to get the head into me and then - much more easily - the shaft.
I was exultant! I had done it. I had a big cock in my ass.
I bent my leg further and my heel pushed the dildo deeper.
I loved how it felt. The size of it stretching my ass.
I stroked my hard cock with the dildo filling my bottom, and quickly felt myself cumming.
The intense feelings that emanated from my ring made my orgasm stronger than I had ever felt.
I understood why some men like to be fucked, then.
And I realized I was one of them.
My purchases at the porn store became exclusively male.
I guess because it was always the same day and time that I went in there, it was generally Paul at the counter.
He'd gotten to know me and my preferences. We usually chatted now, as he bagged up my purchases.
Not about sex, just banter. Where I'd been... what was on for the weekend. Guy stuff.
He was a lot older than me, but he was nice.
Then here we were, late on a Friday night, back in the 90s.
I was later than usual, but I still was horny for some new stroke material. These Friday shopping trips were my ritual, now.
Paul told me I was too late.
"Sorry, I was just closing up."
"I won't be long, I promise." I told him.
"Yeah, but I already cashed out. Sorry."
He began turning out the lights in the store.
I was disappointed. Then he made me an offer.
"I'll let you have something better, if you want."
"What's that?" I asked.
"The real thing."
Oh man. Did I have the nerve? What should I do? I stood there.
I didn't tell him no. Didn't leave. He knew. It was tacit acceptance of his offer.
He went and locked up the front door, came back to me and took my hand. The streetlights outside dimly lit us as he looked me in the eye and gently spoke.
"Come on. I know you want to. I think it's time."
He led me to the back room. There was a table and chairs and small stove and a sofa.
He closed the door and turned on the light. I felt so exposed.
"Can we do it with the light off?" I asked him.
He turned off the overhead light and a switched on a 30 watt nightlight.
"Is that OK?"
"Yes, thanks."
"You're shy, aren't you?"
