[A/N: the scene is set in Trinidad.]
***
Christian and I texted often, stole kisses in secluded areas of the campus and went to dates away from the campus. Our relationship worked but it was also tiring, having to be so very cautious of our movements. The problem? Christian was actually my college advisor and one of my professors.
The Chaguramas Boardwalk was one of our favourite date spots. It was far from campus and expansive. It went on for miles and had a lot of shaded areas that were secluded enough to shield us from unwanted observers. I loved listening to the waves crashing on the shores, the light mist from the seas hitting my skin as I leaned on the railing. Christian loved the reflection of the hanging lights in the water at night. We both enjoyed the cool night air kissing our skin.
We'd walked the length of the pier slowly one night, eating ice cream cones that we'd bought from one of the vendor stalls. The Boardwalk was barely populated that night, a welcome relief. By this time, we'd been dating for almost a year. We'd been taking things slow to not get caught or to rush anything so we hadn't even had sex yet. The silence was palpable and I couldn't shake this feeling that something was wrong with Christian. He was uncharacteristically quiet. We sat on one of the benches, watching the sea roll in. "Chris?" I asked. Even in the darkness, I could see his twinkling eyes and they betrayed his emotions. "What's wrong, babe?"
Christian sighed. "It's nothing," Christian said. "I just have something on my mind."
"Is it me?" I asked, fearful. I had always suffered with my self esteem. I never thought of myself as super attractive. I was confident enough but nowhere as near as Christian or even my best friend Nathan. I was insecure about standing at 5'7", short for most Trinidadian men, about my curly mop of hair, about not being as smart as some others. No-one ever knew this, though, because I was just a naturally nice person; always smiling and willing to help. Everyone wanted to be my friend.
"No, no," Christian said, a little too quickly for my liking. "Well not exactly." He looked down, staring at his shoes. "It's just the nature of us."
We were silent for a while as I looked out to sea, letting that sentence sit. Christian broke the silence. "I'm tired, Eli. We have to be so careful outside of the walls of my office or your apartment, you know? And it's not even about Trinidadians and their stupid thoughts and feelings about gay people. It's about who we are." Christian paused as a wave crashed softly against the bank. "Look at me, Eli."
I turned towards him and was overcome with a mixture of love and of sadness. I knew where this was headed and and I did not like it.
Christian caressed my face. "You've been such a blessing to me, Eli; never forget that. I can't believe it's been almost a year since we met and started this thing. I remember our first date at the beach." I smiled and Christian grinned. "I remember how long it took us to get there and how we navigated the drive without even a small argument. We've worked so well together as a couple and I couldn't feel happier that we've stayed together. You know it's difficult for me to express my feelings as openly and accurately as I want to in the moment but I have to try. Because you have to know how much you mean to me."
Christian got up and walked to the railing. He leaned on the railing, watching the water. I got up and followed, settling in beside him. "I really hate how careful we have to be. If anyone was to find out that we were dating, you know how much trouble we'd get in? You'd be expelled from school and I'd be fired, probably blacklisted from teaching anywhere. And I love teaching." He looked into my eyes as he spoke. "And I love teaching you. I really do. I love how intelligent you are. I love how you've thought about your future, really thought about it. I love how you're able to answer anything thrown back at you and still make sense of it all. I love how dedicated you are in everything that you do."
I swallowed, feeling tears threatening to spill. "Christian, I..."
"Nope, let me finish," he replied, cutting me off and facing me completely. "I'm so happy that you're in my life. I don't tell you enough but I have such an unending respect for you. Your integrity is admirable. Your heart is so expansive and so kind. I love the twinkle in your eyes when you talk about something you're passionate about. Those are the same eyes that I love getting lost in."
I ran my hand through my mop of hair. "I love how you run your fingers through your hair when you're nervous." I blushed and looked down, picking at my finger nails. Christian cupped my chin and raised it up. "I love when you blush because you're flustered or embarrassed. It's incredibly sexy when you look down sheepishly. I love the way you walk, I love the way you talk. I love the way you're always there when I need you." Christian looked deep into my eyes, getting to the root of my soul as his hand cupped Elijah's face. I searched Christian's eyes, my heart skipping many beats. "I love you, Elijah," Christian said.