I'd lost count of the men I've spoken to online, got off to, then barely spoken to again.
But, over the years there was one guy who'd never quite fizzled out into the background like the others. I'd always seemed to have more than a keen interest in him when he showed up online.
I don't know if it was because we'd had infrequent chats that got me very intrigued and then we'd lost touch. I was always wondering if the on/off aspect of it over a long duration of time had played its part.
Either way, a part of me always imagined he'd know exactly how to please me and always seemed to know exactly what to say to make me weak at the knees. Something I'd never experienced with other guys I'd spoken to.
Regardless of him though, I felt I'd got to a stage with bicuriousity that I just couldn't take it anymore. I could finally feel myself caving into the desires that had enveloped me numerous times throughout the years.
As the time felt right, it also felt like he was the right person to discover more with.
I'd come close to meeting him before a couple of times but then I'd gone quiet which made me feel guilty about messing him around.
I liked him enough to feel he deserved better so I knew I should only arrange something if I was genuine.
We'd got chatting one time recently and I felt like now was finally the time to go for it so I messaged him words to that effect.
I'd seen him once in public but hadn't chatted to him. Admitting to someone I'd seen in real life what I secretly desired left me nervous and aroused in equal measure.
I knew one of the reasons we'd never met, as with a lot of guys I'd come close to, was the more 'organised' it felt the more I got nervous I became. I therefore decided I would find out first when he's most likely to be free.
I would then try my hardest to make myself free at one of them times. I could then decide at that point if I really wanted to see if he was online and arrange the meet.
Monday and Wednesday afternoons he said after I'd asked. I said I would see what I could do.
He'd never put any pressure on me so we didn't chat again for a bit so I knew the ball was firmly in my court.
I was free to not do anything if I wanted. This left me pondering the thought that I alone was responsible for denying myself of the pleasure. I only had to say yes to it. The less build up to it the less time to overthink it.
A couple of weeks passed, then an opportunity arose. I knew I'd be free after work that day so acted as if the meet was on.
I'd do everything I needed to, even wearing my best underwear and easiest clothes to remove. All the while knowing no one else was aware at all. Even the guy I would meet. The secrecy of it all just making me more and more excited about it.
When the afternoon came I realised now was the time to make my decision, completely all on my own with zero pressure from anyone.
How could there be? No one else knew.
I drove to nearby from where I knew he would be. Which when I say it back now makes me realise how strange it sounds.
I picked up my phone and spent a moment to consider that if he wasn't even online I wouldn't get to make that choice.
The thought of that possible disappoint awaiting me made me realise that I really did need this meet.
I opened the app and his online light was on. I could feel my heart pumping through my chest. I knew I'd be nervous and I knew enough to know it wasn't going to stop me.
"Hi!" I said.
"Hey!" came the reply.
"You up to much?" I said, still too nervous to request what I really wanted to ask.
"Got half an hour to spare so, you know, on here, lol" came the reply.
"You?" he followed up with.
I knew I needed to stop messing about and I knew I needed to just go for it, so I went in bold.
"Looking for the same, we meeting?" I replied as I could feel my heart beating as fast as it ever had.
A map location popped up in the chat. A location literally within 100 yards of my location. I gave a short reply "Give me five!".
