Finding Myself and My Best Friend

I've decided after talking to a friend that its time I put a few thoughts down in writing, and share them. After all, what harm can it do? I've found retelling this story has rekindled a lot of memories and feelings, that I thought I'd left in the past.

This is a true story about how I found myself, and how my best friend and I found each other.

*****

Hi, my name's Paul.

I don't think I'd made it all the way through puberty before I started to notice the odd thing different about me, and in all honesty I don't remember noticing anything before that, but the signs must have been there. I was just too naive or ignorant to accept them for what they were.

Not that anyone else had picked up on anything different about me at all, and certainly no one had ever said anything to me to suggest it.

To get to the point, the first time I noticed that there was something "different" about me was when I was wanking, and men started to appear in my fantasies.

There I was, wanking about whatever girl at school that I was interested in at the moment, and then for some reason one of my mates would appear in there too, and before I knew it, it was just him and me in my fantasy.

God, it scared me! Those few moments after I came, as the realisation sunk in about how much I had cum, and the thoughts that made me cum so much, it was such a surprise, and it scared me. It got the point that I actually gave up wanking in the hopes that the thoughts would go away.

For the record, I gave up wanking for a total of 7 days, a record which to this day hasn't been broken, and I doubt it ever will.

I had success over the first few days after that, the little victories where it was just me and some girl, or girl's, in my fantasies, but the boys kept coming back. It was so difficult to shake those thoughts, and over time, I kinda came to grudgingly accept them, but not that I agreed with them.

I was one of those kids that didn't quite fit in all the time at school. Wasn't a member of the sports team, accept for that one time I accidentally did too well in athletics and qualified for the regional championships, but we don't talk about that, and I quickly slithered back into the background and just did my thing. As much as I wasn't in shape, it didn't mean I was out of shape, even though my low self esteem would have me thinking otherwise.

I'm an average height guy, which for my home town seems to be about 5"8, slightly better than average looks. Well I like to think so anyways, even though I'm told I'm much better looking than that, and not just by my mother, dark brown hair, and dark brown eyes, and pail Scottish skin. I'm plagued with needing to wear glasses, but that just "adds to my appeal" so I'm told. I also can't grow a beard for shit, but that doesn't stop me from trying. I hate it if I'm clean shaven, it's so much nicer to have a bit of stubble or a few days growth, if only cos it's nice to play with.

The more I think back about those days, the more I realise just how much confusion I created within myself about my sexuality, and it played havoc with my emotions and self beliefs.

I come from a small town in Scotland, and I'm talking about the late 90's early 00's, so you can imagine that "small town mentality" that I grew up around, with gay guys being calls fags and poofs, I always hated that.

I'm thankful that today most of those beliefs have disappeared and we've entered a time of acceptance, even in my small home town. Most of Scotland's political leaders are gay or lesbian, gay marriage is legal and has been for some time, it's no longer an issue at all! But back then it was, and it was scary for this small town guy to accept.

So, what does a small town guy do, who's kinda lost his way and doesn't know what he's doing?

Answer: He goes off to a big city where he's even more lost and still doesn't know what he's doing.

I moved to Glasgow as soon as I was able at the end of my 6th year at school. I wanted to study engineering, a decision I would later learn to regret, but more importantly I felt this was something I had to do for myself, and try and forge my own life. I'd been stuck in the shadow of my brother and finally I was out from that shadow and free, and I loved it!

My first year I had so much fun, was out drinking, partying, clubbing, making friends and socialising, and yeah, I learned a few things too, including about myself.

I finally lost my virginity, to a woman, and the relief that I was into girls, able to get a hard cock for a girl and fuck her till she said she loved me (which is so off-putting to hear, when you've just pulled the girl that night) and she came so hard and so did I. I was very pleased with myself, and I finally thought that was it, no more thoughts of guys in my fantasies, and again that lasted all of...well it didn't at all.

The thoughts about guys were still there, but I didn't shy away from them as much as I had before.

The feelings began to grow, but the thoughts I had for women didn't go away. It was more now that I was at uni, I had full access to the internet, and I began to understand my sexuality better.

I figured I was most likely bisexual, that I was into both sexes, and that I had wasted a week when I was younger not wanking because I was scared to think about guys. Such a waste of time, but this was something I made up for many times over since then, I'm sure.

So, I was bisexual. It took a bit of getting used to, and I always felt that no one would really understand and I couldn't figure out how to tell them, so I didn't. I kept it to myself.

It's more acceptable today, and people understand it better, but back then it wasn't so well understood. I even got into an argument once with a gay guy over the fact that he didn't believe it was possible to like both, and refused to believe me, he said it was a myth, and that I was in denial. So, I kept it to myself to save any hassles.

Sorry, I've gone off topic again, back to the story.

So, I'm at uni, I'm studying engineering and I've recently moved out of student halls and living with one of my mates in a student flat about a mile and a half away from the uni campus. It was a good life, we were good friends. We'd spent the last 3 years living with each other as flat mates in halls, though we were studying different disciplines, and quite often our social lives would go in different circles, but that was uni, and it just meant you had a chance of meeting more new people.

He was Eastern European by birth, but he'd been brought up in the UK his whole life, and still had a bit of an accent. It was this weird mix of Scottish and English accent with the odd word of Polish working its way in. It was awesome listening to him on the phone with his family, I understand only a few swear words in Polish, but how he flew through the call in Polish was immense.

His name was Adok, and he was 2 years older than me, but still looked younger than me. That was weird when we went out and he was ID'd at the bar. He was also shorter than me, which was probably part of why bar staff didn't think he was old enough. Those youthful looks would serve him well when he was older, but for now he was being punished.

He was also a bit of a geek, after all he was studying civil engineering, with mostly a class full of guys, and no girls to get to know, so I wasn't sure if he was still a virgin, and we weren't close enough for me to think it right I ask him questions like that.

Ok, so I was a bit of a geek too, I loved sci-fi, I would read Frank Herbert novels all the time, and if I wasn't reading Frank I was reading Tolkien, and I still remember when Adok leant me a copy of Harry Potter and the Philosophers Stone, and I was hooked. Yes, I'm a geek, but I just got laid a bit more than he did. A bit.

You see, I had a problem when it came to girls. I fell for the ones who weren't reachable. The girl in first year who was infatuated with another guy who turned out to be gay (that I also had a bit of a thing for, but he claimed to be into another girl, when he was that bit more messed up in the head than I was about his sexuality - messy I know, so I hope you followed that?)

In second year, again I fell for the wrong girl, who I worked with in the student bar. She was in a bit of a destructive relationship with a guy, but they seemed perfectly suited it turned out. Third year I liked a girl I couldn't go near simply because my friend liked her too. I found out years later she liked me as well, but she was already with someone, with a kid, so I had to mark that one down to an opportunity missed.

I have barely mentioned guys I liked during that time, and there was one especially who I liked, and I'll get to him soon enough.

It was the millennium, I had a good social life, a good bunch of mates, both male and female, and I was living my own life away from home, life was good. I don't want to bring up my life back home too much as it was depressing as hell round about this time, and I was glad to be out of it.

I've gone so many lines into this story so far, and I've not even mentioned anything to do with sex, so I'll fix that now.

I was studying in a part of the uni library one afternoon, and by studying I mean I was sitting on one of the many levels, in a quiet part of the library that I had found, which had a couple of pc's with open access internet. There were books shelves all around that would obscure most things from being seen.

So I was doing what every 21 year old would be doing, looking at porn, and playing with my cock beneath the desk.

I was wearing loose fitting blue adidas shorts, with loose boxers, and had pulled my cock out of my boxers, and would occasionally let it escape my shorts. I can't say I have a huge cock, it's of average length (about 6 inches if I need to spell it out) and it fits me well, and gives me a lot of pleasure.

As my desk faced the wall, and because the desk was in a small alcove as you walk along one wall of the library, there was little chance someone would spot me, at least if they blatantly walked by and noticed my cock was out or my hand was under the desk, they would know exactly what I was doing.

I had been edging for ages! That is to say, I was reading horny stories by one of my favourite authors, a guy called Seb Wallace, who was British, a student about my age at the time, and writing some really horny stuff about him, his mates, and even his brother. It was ticking all my boxes, and I was loving it. This is what studying was all about! If you're going to hit the books, you need to hit the porn too and distract yourself every now and again, or you will go spare.

In fact, I would go so far as to say if more people wanked in the world, the world would be a better place. Period. I dare anyone to argue otherwise!

Then again, the world is full of wankers, so I'm going to take that back, I didn't think that one through.

So yeah, wanking in a public place, I knew I wasn't the only one that did it, in fact there was a guy behind me almost every other day. He didn't know how to clear his history, which was handy for whenever I had to use that pc, cos he looked at some pretty good stuff, but it was all straight stuff.

As you know, I liked to mix it up with some gay stuff too, or better still this bi stuff I'd discovered since coming to uni. The internet was amazing, it opened my eyes, I mean we didn't have it back home where I came from, and if I wanted to get hold of any I'd have to buy a magazine or something, which god forbid my mother would ever come across. They weren't too big on privacy in my house growing up.

So I got my porn fix on the uni computers, on the 5th floor, in some foreign social science section, or something like that, from what I could make out on the books nearby when I pretended to be doing something to actually do with studying. Occasionally, someone would walk by, and I'd have to make sure I covered up, but it was normally better for this in the evenings, when fewer people were about.

I had discovered something by accident one day in the library.

Nature called, and I suffered from stage fright, so I decided to use one of the cubicles. I was on the engineering floor, and who knew engineer's could be such pervs!?

I walked into the cubicle and locked the door behind me, noticing all the graffiti on the door, and the walls, as usual, and some of the time it was good to read, but today, the weird hole that appeared in a lot of toilets was not bunged up with toilet paper, it was open, and it was a pretty big hole.

I'm completely naive, small town and all that, remember, so I had no idea what that hole was used for, until that day.

I sat down on the toilet seat, prepared to do my business, and next thing I know, a finger was tapping at the hole. What was this? I asked myself, total invasion of privacy! Cheeky fuck.

The finger disappeared and I thought that was that, carried on with what I needed to do, but moments later, an eye briefly appeared at the hole, had a look at my junk, and then disappeared again. This was fucked up, I thought to myself, starting to clue in with what was going on. I had no idea this sort of shit actually went on.

My naivety was wearing off, and my curiosity peaked, so I tipped my head forward a bit, just enough to look through this hole, and there I could see part of his leg. He was wearing jeans, and it looked like he was probably a younger guy. Then skin, then yeah, his hand.

His hand was wrapped around his dick, and he was wanking it. His dick looked remarkably like mine, uncut, about the same length and thickness, and the foreskin was pulled back nicely, with a wet bell end. He must have been sitting a while, waiting for someone to play with, hence the finger thing so quick. I was hoping that he wouldn't take notice of me looking, cos I was nervous as hell, but the way he stopped and pointed his cock towards me so that I could see better suggested that he knew I was watching. He seemed happy about it.

Now, normally this is the point you hear about how hard my cock got, I showed him it, and he invited me into his cubicle to fuck, but nope, this isn't that kind of story.

At least not yet.

I was nervous as hell, my cock was never getting hard, and I was not about to get into a cubicle with a guy I'd never met before, and had no idea who he was. That wasn't me, and well, this was a long time before apps like grindr existed, where meeting guys for sex without knowing anything about them, including what they look like, is quite common. This was my first time seeing a guys hard cock, and it made me nervous as hell. Not the way I thought I'd first see a cock in the flesh other than my own and hard.

What did I do?

I watched him, and he was happy for a time to continue to let me watch. Fuck, his cock was wet! He must cum loads! He was moaning pretty loudly too, he must have realised that no one else was in with us, cos he wasn't scared to be noisy. There were 3 cubicles in all, and 2 urinals, but other than us two, the place was empty.

I hadn't seen his face yet, just his cock, and his balls, and he was very hairy too, which kinda took me by surprise. I used to trim mine, even back then, I never liked the huge forest, so I was kinda put off but at the same time so very curious.

This guy knew I wasn't making a move, that I was all for watching, so he continued to wank his cock and let me watch.

Fuck this was hot, not that the nerves had disappeared and my cock had gotten hard yet, but I was loving the voyeur side of this.

I was hoping he would cum, he looked like he was near ready to cum, I wanted to see this like no one's business, but my luck wasn't to be. The door to the toilet banged open, and I had my trousers pulled up, toilet flushed, door opened and gone as quick as I could. I didn't even wash my hands, which wasn't like me, I was so nervous about being caught.

I regretted not hanging about.

For so many visits, without trying to make it obvious, I kept going back in, but never again found my exhibitionist, and my timing must have been poor as I never got to play voyeur either.

Until that fateful day (cliché, apologies) that I was wanking there in the library at the hidden away computer, bringing my cock out again and having edged so many times, I built up the courage to visit the toilet again.

Fuck, I was so horny. This story I was reading on the pc had ended with a bunch of guys on a lads holiday, sharing the same bed, and one of the guys thinking the others were sleeping was taking pictures of them in poses, and before he knew it, there was a cock in his ass. Damn this was too good, and I knew that I had to go and empty my balls before I had an accident under this desk.

I decided to use the engineering floor toilet, so that's where I headed.

When I walked in, I noticed the cubicle in the middle that I had often been to was occupied, so I was left with the one closest to the urinals or the disabled toilet at the back, which was the one I chose. I wanted some leg room.

I left my bag near the door, pulled down my shorts, and tried to piss, but it was difficult cos my cock was semi, so I pushed it downward, even though it was uncomfortable, and let myself go. It was a really good piss, without getting into golden shower territory or anything like that, but you know when you've been wanking for ages, you need to piss, and when you go it's such a nice warm feeling in your cock, it's almost like an orgasm. It was that feeling that day.

I closed my eyes and pissed, and I may have even sighed it was so satisfying, and it wasn't until I finished I opened my eyes again and looked in the cubicle. The hole in the wall, which was bigger now since my first time visiting many moons before, was occupied with my neighbour looking back at me.

It took me by surprise, got the nerves going a bit, but I was a bit more confident with myself now, and much hornier than that last time I'd seen a guy in here. I was yet to have any proper fun with a guy though. I'd been in chat rooms, had sex chat, but never anything physical, and nothing close to exhibitionism, at least not until now.

I sat back on the toilet, and lifted my cock from pointing at the bowl, and shook the piss from the end of my dick. He was watching me do it. He seemed intrigued. more so when I pulled back the foreskin of my cock to show my bell end was wet, and there was even a small sign of my precum hanging there. I pulled the foreskin forward and back a few times, which helped the blood start flowing again.

I continued to pump on my cock, and it soon began to go to full hardness. I honestly wasn't expecting anything like this to happen today, but I was so horny, I couldn't resist a bit of showing off.

My neighbour continued to watch me, until he disappeared from the hole, and next thing he was on his knees and his eye back at the hole. His hand was under the bottom of the cubicle.

'Fuck, he wanted to wank me!' I thought to myself, 'what do I do?'

Well, I did what any other red blooded man would do, when they didn't run out the room that is, I got down on my knees too. I shuffled closer to him on the cold floor, and he grabbed hold of my dick really quickly, and he started pumping straight away, without even a hello.

"Fuck!" I whispered out loud.

He replied with heavy breathing, and his own whisper "feels so good mate, grab mine!"

I looked down, and there it was, the head of his cock poking through. I reached down, and for the first time, I grasped another man's cock. Under the toilet cubicle wall. Of the Uni library.

Hardly an auspicious occasion, or one to remember every year, or really one to be proud of, but at the time all I could think about was this hard cock in my hands.