Secret Admirer

Hiya to all you lovely people out there. Thanks for all the comments I've received. It cheers me up to know so many of you read my work.

Onto the story...

*

I was utterly speechless. I really didn't have a clue what to say at that moment when I turned around.

"Andy!"

That's all I could manage to say right then. What would you say or do if you found out your secret admirer was your best friend?

He smiled, actually smiled. Me? I was stood there with an open mouth, not knowing what to think. None of us spoke for a few seconds; we just stared at each other. I was glad when he made the first move.

"Dan, I know this must be a shock for you, please come have dinner with me and I will explain everything." Andy said to me.

I just nodded in agreement and followed him inside, he spoke to the receptionist and we followed a waiter to our table at the back of the restaurant. Andy asked the waiter for two glasses of coke before we ordered, to which he complied. We got ourselves comfortable in the chairs as I had a feeling it would be a long and emotional night for the both of us. I looked at him, still not able to saying anything.

"Dan, you ok?" He asked concerned.

I suddenly came out of my trance. "Yeah I'm ok... I think... I mean what?... When?... Why?... How?... Is this a joke?" I asked stuttering my words.

"No, it's no joke. Everything I sent in those notes is true, I love you, Dan, always have. I just never knew it before. The last few months it's occurred to me how much I do love you and how much I want you. I understand that you don't feel the same but I needed to tell you as it's driving me crazy. I just hope our friendship isn't over because of this, as that means more to me than anything." Andy explained, with his head bowed down.

I sat looking at him. His sentences were all flowing at once and I had to let his words digest before I answered. I looked into his deep blue eyes, when he looked back up. Those same eyes that I was drawn to all those years ago sparkled.

I saw the waiter coming over but I stopped him with my hand and shook my head. He was a new guy and I'd never seen him before. Maggie, one of the waitresses we both knew seemed to understand that this was private and held him back. I turned my concentration back to my best friend.

"I don't know what to say Andy. I thought you were straight... I mean you've never hinted that you were attracted to guys since Julie, and never let your feelings for me show." I paused and had to think some more. I took a drink. He just watched me, looked into my eyes and at my lips when I licked them. I could see it, the love, the need. I shrugged it off.

"I just can't believe this. When I came out to you all those years ago, and told you I loved you, you pulled away from me and I was so hurt, so disappointed that you didn't feel the same. It took me a long time to get over that Andy, although I never let it show, couldn't let it show." I sighed. "I was so afraid we'd lose our friendship because of me and how I felt about you. I'm just glad we didn't 'cause you meant the world to me, and still do. I'm just not sure how I feel about this." I shook my head.

We looked at each other. I could see tears forming in his eyes but I knew he was trying not to let them show.

I sighed and spoke up. "Oh Andy, why didn't you say something back then?"

He sighed and took a long drink of his coke. "I didn't know I loved you then... I suppose deep down I knew, but I couldn't be in a gay relationship then... imagine what my parents would've said. You know my dad would've thrown me to the wolves, and my mum was no better. I couldn't do it Dan, but I've regretted it ever since. I'm gay, always have been." He stopped talking for a second and sighed. "Anyway, it would have been no use starting a relationship, we both wanted children, both wanted a family. We couldn't have had that if we'd been together."

I nodded in agreement and smiled. He smiled at me in return. "I've told Julie about me and she said she had it figured out and she's cool with it. Our marriage hasn't been right for a long time; I just didn't like to say anything until now." I opened my eyes in shock and he laughed. "She's in love with another guy and wants to start a relationship with him. I've told her I love you and she's happy if I'm happy." Andy said.

"But why now, why after all these years?" I asked. I was still confused and feeling utterly astounded. I'd never expected my admirer to be Andy. That fact was still digesting inside my brain.

He gave a little shrug. "I guess it's just time to be myself. I know the boys will take it hard at first, but I can't go on any longer living a lie. I need to be in a relationship with a man, need to feel the body of a man next to me day after day, night after night, like we used to do." He answered whilst blushing. "I'm not getting any younger, Dan, and neither are you. You're not happy. We could be happy together."

I saw a tear fall from the corner of his eye. He wiped it with his sleeve and put his head in his hands. I was just pulling his hands away from his face when the waiter came over. I guess they couldn't wait much longer for us to order. He introduced himself as Phil and said he'd be our waiter for the night. We came to our senses and he stood there whilst we chose our meal from the menu and ordered another coke each. He left our table.

Andy started again. He looked into my eyes. I could see the pain he felt. "I'm sorry Dan, sorry for everything. For letting you love me back then, for not loving you back, for all these years we've missed out on and for bringing you here tonight and confessing my love for you. Maybe it was wrong to do this, I shouldn't have said anything."

Staring back at him I spoke. "No, Andy it's ok. I'm glad you did... I hate secrets between us. I just don't know if I can have a relationship with you now. Yes, if I'm honest I think you're gorgeous and the most amazing guy, I always have done. I just never let my feelings for you show since we split." I paused for a second but he didn't reply. "I loved you so much, I couldn't believe it when after all the things we did together and you stopped it just like that." I paused for a second. "But at least I knew we could be together somehow, even as friends and I just accepted that."

I had tears in my eyes by this point. Andy had his head bowed down. The waiter came with our drinks, took one look at us, put the drinks down and hurried off.

I let out a chuckle. "I guess we scared the poor guy off. I bet he's run into the kitchen to gossip about the two grown men crying into their dinner."

He laughed as well, and wiped his eyes. "I suppose we better get a grip before they bring the tissue box out."

Just then the waiter came with our starters. We said 'thank you' and he smiled. We ate in silence, and I couldn't help but glance up at those blue eyes that had me first hooked 20 odd years before. I noticed that Andy kept stealing glances up at me too. We both blushed and I suddenly felt like a shy schoolgirl on her first date with the most handsome guy in class. I chuckled to myself and carried on eating. We didn't speak much, apart from when commenting on the delicious food and the staff members on duty that evening. When we were silent it wasn't as uncomfortable as I thought it would be, but then again, thinking back, silence was always comfortable between the two of us

When we were finished, the waiter came back to collect the plates. He smiled again at the both of us. We ordered another drink and he smiled again at us and went off.

"He seems a nice guy."

"Yeah, he's ok. He must be new 'cause I've never seen him before. We'll have to get the latest from Maggie if we have time." I said.

Andy looked over at Phil whilst he was getting our drinks. His eyes wandered up and down his tall frame and I wondered if he did that a lot but for some reason never noticed it before. He turned back to me.

"He's cute." He commented.

Now I was a little pissed and rather jealous. He came here on a date with me, saying all these things to me, confessing his love, and he tells me that another guy is cute?

"You fancy him?" I asked, worried.

Andy looked at me and grinned. "I said he was cute, not that I wanted to date him. He's nothing compared to you though." He paused and sighed loudly. "I should've listened to my heart instead of my head. I destroyed something that could've been good, something that I wanted."

I put my hand on his, holding tight, and a warm feeling ran right through my body. I'm sure he felt it too as he looked into my eyes. I didn't move it though, it felt good. I looked at him for a few moments.

"Andy, please don't blame yourself, it's my fault as well... maybe I should've tried harder to keep you. But we were young; we hadn't experienced life, other people and relationships. I realised that soon after and when I eventually fell for Laura I thought that maybe it was for the best and we weren't meant to be. You have nothing to be sorry for so don't beat yourself up about it."

I heard a cough and when we looked up, Phil, the waiter stood there with the drinks. Oh God had he been listening? How long for?

I realised my hand was still on Andy's and I moved it away, blushing. Phil put the drinks down then wandered off. I took a drink and swallowed... hard. Andy acted as though nothing had happened as if it was totally natural. I was worried; a lot of the staff knew us there and could go bragging to other people about this. Phil must have been informed of who we were, so maybe we would be safe after all.

I let it go when Andy carried on speaking. "I guess you're right. I don't regret marrying Julie, it brought us two wonderful children, and two Godchildren for you. But I regret not being honest with myself from the start, not being honest with my parents and you. Even if nothing comes out of this, I know that at least I'm happy within myself."

I smiled at him and rubbed my thumb against the back of his hand, although not remembering when I put it back there. He looked down and I realised what I was doing so I pulled away quickly. He had this frown on his face and I could tell it was out of disappointment.

"I'm glad you're being honest with yourself, Andy. I had a feeling deep down that you weren't happy somehow, I just didn't know what and why. Have you told you're parents?" I asked

"Yeah, mum was ok with it surprisingly. Said she still loved me whatever. As long as I'm happy then she'd support me one hundred percent. I think that because she has the grandchildren she always wanted, she's not really that bothered anymore." He paused. "Dad didn't take it that well, said he still loved me but couldn't understand why his son was gay. I told him I didn't choose to be, but I think he's more worried about his reputation."

I huffed."Yeah, sounds like your dad alright, he'll come round to it soon enough. I think my own parents were glad I chose to go down the straight root rather than the gay one. I wonder whether I chose the right one now."

We stayed silent for a few minutes, but it looked as though Andy was happy I made that comment, as I could see his face light up.

Phil brought the main course and smiled at both of us and nodded his head. I wondered what he meant by that. I mean its one thing smiling, but it was almost a grin. I decided that maybe I was being paranoid.

Again we ate in silence and I wondered what or how I should be feeling. This was the guy I'd known nearly all my life, since we could walk, the guy I fell in love with when I was 13, the guy with who I shared my first kiss and lost my virginity to, but the guy who broke my heart when I was 17. But he was my best friend, the guy who knew me better than anyone. I thought I knew him but I was wrong. Yes I loved him, but in what way? Friends? Brothers? Or lovers? I didn't know if I loved him that way anymore. Maybe I still did deep down but brushed those feelings to the back of my mind just like he did. Could those feelings be brought to life again? Did I want them to? Did I want to love and be loved by Andy and become partners in that way?

I thought about it some more whilst eating. Yes I did want him. But how could I? I couldn't leave Laura just like that. I couldn't leave the children and move in with another man. Not just any man, their 'uncle'! What would I tell them? How do you explain that to three young children?

"Dan?" Andy asked after a few more minutes. I looked up. "What are you thinking?"

I guessed that he could see confusion on my face."I'm thinking about us, about where we go from here. Whether I love you and if it's possible to have a future together." He looked at me and nodded. I carried on. "I'm concerned for the kids, Andy. Not just mine but yours also. How would they take the news that their parents are splitting up? Not to mention that their dad and the person they think of as an uncle are going to be lovers. Have you thought about that?"

Andy didn't say anything. I bowed my head down and finished off my meal in silence.

Phil came soon after and took his time at our table whilst clearing the plates, then walked off with them and came back soon after with the dessert menu, then left us alone again. Andy spoke up while I was looking at the desserts. I wasn't concentrating on the menu anymore, my mind was otherwise occupied.

"You know, Dan, the kids will be upset, but they'll come round, they know things aren't going well anyway with our marriages. Sleeping in separate beds for months on end kinda gives it away don't you think? We can tell the rest of the family soon enough, you know our brothers and sisters."

"I suppose." I said quietly.

"You know I thought it was just a crush, or just something that all guys do and feel growing up. I didn't think the feelings were real. Now I know they were."

I sat there and wondered something and for some reason, I was worried about the answer. "Have you been with another guy apart from me?"

He looked up from the menu and nodded. I felt this ache in my chest. He patted my hand reassuringly as if he knew what I was going through right that second. "A few. After we broke up, there was nobody else until Julie, well not male anyway. Then a couple of years ago I started going to gay clubs to get it out of my system. It was driving me crazy not being with a guy, so I finally got the courage to make a move."

I nodded my head, but felt hurt by it, that he says he loves me yet sleeps with other guys. As if he could read my mind, he spoke up.

"Dan, I never went all the way with them apart from one guy who I met up with a few times. We fucked four or five times, but he was the only one. You have to understand that the lack of sex in my marriage was so frustrating for me. Anyway, after a while I didn't feel I could keep having sex with guys that I didn't know, so I stopped a few months ago. I went to the doctors, got tested for diseases, got the all clear, then finally admitted to myself that it was you I needed, not some Saturday night fling."

I smiled. "You top or bottom with this guy?" I had to ask.

"Both. But if you recall, it was you that actually preferred to be the submissive one."

I suddenly thought about us being together and how good it was, how good the sex was. I looked up at him from the menu and grinned. He looked at me with a confused expression. I thought back. "Remember our first time fucking?" I paused. "You were such an animal; once you started you couldn't stop. I wondered where you got the energy from. I thought my butt was gonna bleed."

He laughed. "Oh yeah, in your parents bed. We were both fourteen weren't we, and so clumsy, didn't know what we were doing at first. You weren't so gentle yourself if I remember rightly." He chuckled again. "Remember the time when my brother caught us. I thought he would hit the roof but he just laughed at our little dicks. I nearly died of embarrassment. Good job puberty kicked in soon after."

I laughed. "Yeah we improved with age, in more ways than one."

A loud cough suddenly broke my train of thought. Both Andy and I went beetroot when we saw Phil standing there with his pen and pad. I didn't even remember him coming to our table. I had a feeling that he was listening to our conversation.

"Oh sorry... err we were just... err... um... " Andy stuttered.

"It's ok. Don't worry about it, I've heard much worse. Although it's a good job I stepped in when I did, who knows where it would have led to." He let out a giggle. I think I went even redder. "Would you like to order a dessert, gentlemen?" He asked professionally.

I think we both let out a sigh of relief. I wasn't really hungry but thought I'd better order something considering he was standing there waiting. We ordered ice-cream and he smiled then left.

Andy and I both started laughing together at our embarrassing situation. It actually helped to relieve the tension between us and for the first time that night I felt like I could relax and enjoy our time together.

"So, what about you? Have you been with other guys?" He asked when Phil left us alone again.

I swallowed and wondered if I should mention the 'Brad incident'. But then I realised I needed to be honest with him. I nodded. "After you, there were a few one night stands with guys. For some reason I never met any girls that did it for me apart from Laura. We were faithful as you know." He nodded. "Then a couple of weeks ago I gave a guy a blowjob." I noticed he looked a little pained by my confession.

"Who was it?"

"Brad from the gym." Andy looked away from me. I held his hand tightly. "We were both flirting as usual and we were both horny. I swear to God Andy that's all that happened. I was so excited that I shot off in my pants before he could return the favour."

Just then Andy burst out laughing. I felt a little embarrassed, but was glad he wasn't pissed at me. "That happened to me as well with the first guy I was with. It had been so long since I'd sucked dick that I got overexcited. I was ashamed at the time but now I think about it, I guess it was funny."

Talking about our not so wonderful escapades when getting back into the gay life seemed to cheer things up a little between us. He told me a little of what he got up to with some guys and I told him what I could remember.

I know that I was hard as rock sitting there and failed miserably when trying to adjust myself under the table. Luckily, the table cloth reached down to the carpet. I felt Andy's foot brush my leg and I gasped. He grinned and winked at me. I was sure I blushed, but made him suffer just the same, by rubbing my foot against his VERY hard dick. We both let out quiet moans.

Did I want him? Of course I fuckin did!

We carried on chatting about other things, work, friends, family and gossip, whilst flirting and teasing each other under the table. Phil brought us our desserts and after guzzling that down we both agreed that no more food could be eaten or we'd blow up.

****

At the end of the night, and a few more bouts of coke induced caffeine later, Andy insisted he pay for the bill. I made sure my crotch was decent before standing up and noticed Andy did the same. I left a small tip for Phil and hoped that our conversation wouldn't be passed around the restaurant. On the way out, Phil patted me on the shoulder. I turned around.

He whispered to me. "I think you two should make a go of it. I'm sure both your families will understand eventually, if not straight away. I can tell he loves you and you still love him no matter what you say or how long you deny it. You also make a fine handsome couple."

I pulled away and he winked at me. I smiled at him, said 'thank you' and told him I would think about it, then walked out the door. Andy was waiting.