I tossed and turned all night. I remained in a sexual tailspin on what I had experienced with another man.
What the hell just happened to me? My newly found sexual curiosity dramatically outweighed my relationship and sexuality questions.
I had never been attracted to a man before this - nor had I ever even cheated on my fiancΓ©. I was admittedly giving myself a pass on the cheating dynamic because of how all of this came together - everything happened so serendipitously that somehow I had found zero guilt in stepping outside my relationship.
And really, I wasn't at all struggling with any sexuality questions - I just was absolutely, hypnotically fixated on experiencing more of everything I had felt. And specifically, the continued exploration of David, his body and how we touched my body.
I genuinely felt David's interest in wanting to be my teacher, exploration partner and being my first in my sexual curiosity. His hand guiding my hand onto his body, his gentle yet firm touch and his verbal request for permission. Beyond the sexual curiosity, David's acute interest and attention was boiling with sexual stimulation.
Overall, what was so perplexing was that wouldn't have been able to pick David out of a lineup - I had barely seen his face in a dark room with a clouded sexual brain. I'm 100% sure if I walked by David in the supermarket, I wouldn't recognize him. But amazingly, if I walked into a dark room and felt David's presence - I was ready to hand him the keys to my body to explore and enjoy - it was such an invigorating, liberating experience to know someone could have that kind of power over you. Wow was I floating on an erotic cloud.
I woke up and paced with my coffee confused on what to do next - clearly I wanted to see David as soon as possible, but didn't have any way to contact him directly. I needed his phone number or email to contact him directly. I considered booking another appointment for that day, but decided I'd prefer a more intimate, really comfortable environment for my next David experience. Since I had never been with a man before, my confidence quickly exhaled in wondering if David would even be interested in seeing me again without making a wage as a masseur? I'm assuming this happens to him often - so why would he want to see me outside of his place of work where he makes a living?
My psychotic seesaw quickly pivoted back to my hunger for David and was down for the risk in reaching out as I called the sports therapy office and made up a story that, "my masseur, David, had suggested a new diet and would love to give him my number for those details." I left my name and cell phone number with the receptionist to provide to David. Of course once I hung up I immediately freaked out in realizing how obvious this move was, but again, my mindless hunger outweighed everything at this point.
Another learning - I was an absolute disaster waiting for him to call. The day dragged on in slow motion as I cleaned the house, worked out, read, played with myself three times, while I barely ate with all of my nervous energy.
My fiancΓ© was out of town, but set to return the following evening, so I admittedly was hoping to ride this intense, serendipitous wave.
The clock ticked louder as the sun went down and then chirping notification arrived.
"Hi Morgan - it's David." With a smiley face emoji.
My heart and stomach fell to the floor. I put the phone down and purposely paced for 5 minutes not to look like the sexually desperate psycho I had become and respond back in.5 seconds.
While pacing I contemplated my response - do I be direct and invite him over? Do I see if he wants to get a beer? Should I be honest and just dump out that my fiancΓ© is out of town and I'd love to continue where we left off?
I chose direct and honest - that's what David had done to me - just put it all out there.
"You like the stalker move by calling your work?" With another smiley face back at him.
"You left me wanting to experience more - that was WILDLY intense and amazing yesterday. Definitely have me in a tizzy over here, David."
As I was finger-typing my response, I could see him typing a response.
"I was hoping you'd rather come back today for an appointment - or really - somehow get in contact with me. I love when I get what I want!" Emoji face with hearts and kisses.
"So I'm going to throw it out there - knowing you probably already have plans tonight - want to hang? My fiancΓ© is out of town - returns tomorrow - and figured I'd be insanely direct and just ask."
Heart rate skyrocketed as I waited for his response. The typing icon appeared - I held my breathe for seconds.
"My plans are officially being cancelled." Smiley face.
I exhaled, but then a whole new set of nervousness came about as I was now faced with being potentially minutes away from seeing David again.
"Can I invite you over for a drink? (I'm not a beer person)." Smiley face.
"Tell me where and when and I'll be there - can I bring a bottle of wine, or anything." My clothes were already stripping off to get into the shower.
"Just bring your gorgeous, curious self - does 8p work?" After sending the address, which was about 30 minutes away from my apartment, it gave me 30 minutes of nervousness to think about what I had quickly got myself into.
As I aggressively washed myself in the shower, I purposely held back thoughts of what I knew was potentially around the corner. I didn't want to out think myself here, otherwise I knew I might scare myself out just being open to whatever happened organically. I knew from yesterday's session, all the chips were on the table. I really wanted to just let the sex winds take us wherever they were going to take us. Life had served me up this serendipitous experience, which blossomed by curiosity - and i was going to milk the opportunity.
After picking up a nice bottle of whiskey, my jittery hands navigated to David's house. I arrived at David's house at 8:03p shaking with nerves. I was an absolute nervous wreck - serendipity was no longer - I was officially meeting up for sexual adventure. This had the blend of a date, Netflix and chill and blatant hook up all wrapped into one.
I don't even remember knocking on his door, but I do remember the mischievous smile on his face when he slowly opened the door.
"Just wow, Morgan - wow."
"Fucking wow, David - just wow, right?"
"Well come in - I don't need my neighbors seeing me seduce a soon-to-be married man coming inside!"
That did wonders in breaking the nervousness, as I laughed with, "tell me you drink whiskey?"