I didn't let the tears fall until I was under my third shower of the day; the tears trickled down my cheeks, mixing with the droplets of water. There was no point in trying to stop the flow, I had tried before and just made it worse and worse until I broke down and cried till my body was shaking with a mixture of depression and relief.
This was pointless, I kept on telling myself to forget him, to leave it be and forget it, but the tears kept falling. After standing under the blazing hot water for a while longer I looked up at the clock and realised I only had 15 minutes to get sorted before my next class started. I pulled myself together as I had taught myself to do years before. I dried myself off vigorously before pulling on my shorts and walking slowly towards my class, I still had a few minutes before the class started but the room was already half full by the time I got that.
I have always been very good at fooling people into thinking I was OK except of course people who knew me very, very well, but I even fooled my mum once, only for a few days though. So once again I pulled the emotional mask down and walked into the class liked I owned the place,
"Afternoon everyone, hope your all ready to do some serious moves today!"
I threw everything into that class, I felt slightly sorry for some of the participants but I needed to get something, Joel I guess, out of my system. It didn't work but by the end of the class I was wiped, and by god I was thankful it was the end of my day. I gathered up my things with the rest of the class and walked through reception,
"Off to meet lover boy huh?"
Michael's mocking voice taunted me; I simply smiled and walked to my car. The rest of the evening was a blur, not drinking wine or bear is a bad thing, it may have been a whole lot better if I had been able to drink a nice bottle of red wine instead of a bottle of vodka. When I awoke in the morning my head felt like a led balloon, my brain just wouldn't seem to work, I looked over at the clock with fuzzy eyes, was I imagining the 5.00am that the clock stated? I rolled out of bed and staggered half heartedley to the bathroom to relieve my aching bladder.
The days passed slowly but non the less they passed, I got up, I went to work, I pushed everything and everyone to do their utmost in all my classes and when each day was over I would go home and obliterate everything with alcohol. My friends called round a few times, but I must be getting better at this shit than I thought, non of them said or seemed to notice anything amiss. Which to be honest I was grateful for, I couldn't be bothered to explain myself to them. Inevitably I would climb under the hot sting of water that pretended to be a shower, but only to find myself blind drunk with a raging boner, my mind instantly filled with images of Joel. His smell, his touch, his kiss, I ached for him and he lingered there in my mind and plagued my thoughts every single day. And then the day was here, that fateful Tuesday, a whole week had passed and I had no idea where or how it had done so. The temptation to call in sick was so overpowering but I dragged myself out of bed and into work.
"He called again, you really should answer his messages Ryan"
"Michael if I wanted you opinion I would ask for it"
I snapped as I walked away, the feeling of guilt came quick and fast. I really didn't mean to snap like that, I had been so good at laughing it off, saying Joel was only calling to wind me up and that I had called him already just that morning blah blah. My first class passed without too many thoughts of Joel, my next class however would most likely be terrible, if he was there I didn't know what I was going to do and if he wasn't... well I didn't know about that either. I decided to avoid the class until the very last minute, I grabbed a quick coffee from the so called 'staff relaxation room' and when the clock finally clicked onto 11.00 I made my way slowly to the dreaded room.
He wasn't there, why would he be? Damn it why did I care so much? The class were all chattering and stretching, waiting for me to arrive,
"OK everyone, lets get started"
I had intended my voice to sound up beat and something close to happy, or at least cheerful what came out was something entirely different I sounded like I was dead, like there wasn't anything to live for. I was horrified at myself, I looked away from the group and ignored any looks that may have come my way, I pushed strait on and got started with the class.
About 10 minutes into the class the door burst open and there stood Joel, tall strong and looking extremely pissed off. I gulped as I stood there frozen to the spot, when I found my voice it was gruff and heavy as I told him to come in and get warmed up before joining us.
"I don't think so Ryan, I'm not here to participate in your class ... I'm here to..."
"OK, OK then take a seat or go and get a coffee and let us finish up here"
God knows where my anger that was evident in my voice had arisen from but it was clear to not only Joel but also the rest of the group that I was not happy with this situation. To my horror Joel strode in walked right passed me and sat just to my right, and proceeded to watch me intently. I have no idea how I managed to continue with the class but I did, I escaped my thoughts by concentrating as much as possible on the class. I tried to prolong the class as much as possible; I even talked to Kate which I really didn't want to do as I could see in her eyes that she knew something was really wrong.
