Cocklust Ch 10

Chad and I loved the vibrator so much that we started looking for other toys to play with. I was tempted to go to an actual sex shop, but we didn't know of any nearby, and we didn't want to be found out. So we did the next-best thing, and we went shopping online.

We found most of the online sex shops were straight, like Liberator, Lover's Lane, or Adam & Eve. But there were also a few gay ones like Adonis, Boyzshop, or MaleQ. Some of them had reviews and blog posts and other kinds of tools, which helped us figure out what we wanted.

We debated the different models of Fleshjacks-- and other masturbators, for that matter-- and whether enemas were really a good idea. We also weighed the pros and cons of butt plugs versus beads versus prostate massagers.

The most enticing toys of all were the custom dildo kits. I'd never heard of make-your-own-dildos, but the idea sounded awesome. I remembered Flynn's cam show, in which he'd fucked himself with a dildo of his own cock. I loved the idea of having a dildo of Chad-- or, for that matter, Chad having a dildo of me.

I was still too nervous to buy anything, partly because I didn't want it on my credit card statement. But Chad was downright fearless. He picked out a bunch of stuff we wanted, put it of his card, and placed the order.

I was glad to see him so enthusiastic. It helped calm some of the fears that had been gnawing at me. I was all too aware that Chad hadn't been with any other guy. Now that he knew he liked man sex, I was determined to keep him happy in every way I could. I didn't want him getting tempted by Grindr or anything else. I definitely didn't want him eyeing boys in the gym, or on the Row. I'd never thought of myself as the jealous type, but now I found myself getting more and more protective.

We still couldn't properly bareback, at least in good conscience, but we found plenty of other ways to get off. It was surprisingly erotic to play with each other's bodies without going all the way. We got totally into swordfighting and frottage; I'd never realized how big of a turn-on they could be, but now it drove me wild to rub my dick against Chad's.

We also went back to doing sixty-nines, which were just as sexy as I'd remembered them. I especially loved lying on my back while Chad crouched over me, so his hard cock hung right above my face. We also tried other positions in more detail, like Adam's ecstasy, teabagging, and the dirty trombone.

That last position was the hottest of all. I would crouch on all fours, with Chad's face buried in my crack. He would always start by rimming me, which felt as amazing as ever. Then he'd start licking my balls. He would angle himself so that his nose pressed against my hole, which I'd thought would feel awkward but actually felt really good. Then he always stroked my shaft with his hands. He basically serviced my whole nether region, which totally put me over the moon.

When it came time to shoot, we always came on each other. We did enjoy mixing up our positions, so sometimes I finished on Chad's ass, or at least his lower back. Other times I jizzed on his chest.

Chad liked to give me a pearl necklace, and I liked it too; it reminded me of our first time having sex. He also liked to give me facials, which I was not about to resist. I loved the way he would kneel over me and stroke himself to completion. I always watched his balls jiggle, just inches from my face, till they inevitably contracted.

I never knew where his juices would hit me, but to be honest, I didn't really care. Chad had pretty good aim, but even he would sometimes lose control. Sometimes I'd just feel a spurt against my forehead; other times he'd shoot all over my cheeks. A few times his seed even got in my hair.

My favorite was the time I felt warm goo all over my face, and I opened my eyes to the sight of cum dripping off my eyebrow. I had to wipe my eyes and mouth before I could marvel at the spent cock before me.

Even so, there was still no substitute for proper anal sex. As much as we were enjoying ourselves, we still had our share of problems hanging over our heads. I tried to pretend everything was cool, and Chad did too, but we both knew the shit could hit the fan at any moment.

We kept counting down the days till our HIV re-test, and when the big day rolled around, I was practically a bundle of nerves. This time the experience was totally different from before. We asked to get our blood drawn together, and the clinic agreed. I guess we were leaning on each other for support. I thought of my friends who'd gone through pregnancy scares, and I imagined this was what it must've felt like.

I was annoyed when they told us they'd send our samples to a lab. I'd assumed we'd get our results right away, the same as last time, and I felt like we'd already waited long enough. But the staff said there was nothing they could do; this test was so advanced that only a few places could do it. I was tempted to argue with them, but I decided there wasn't much point.

We'd just gotten back from the clinic when Chad's phone rang. As soon as he picked it up, I noticed a weird expression on his face. "Yeah?" he asked.

I tried to figure out what the call was about. I didn't think it was the clinic calling, but whoever it was, it didn't sound good.

"What are you talking about?" Chad was saying. Then he put his hand to his head, and he listened for a minute. "Yeah, I get that," he eventually mumbled. "But seriously, I never asked for that."

I tried to signal to him, asking what was wrong, but Chad waved me away.

"Look, this isn't a good time." At first I thought Chad was talking to me, but then I realized he wasn't. "Can we talk about this later? Like maybe tomorrow? I need to digest all this anyway." He listened for a minute longer, then took a deep breath. "Stop it," he said. "I'll be fine... okay yeah. Keep me posted." Then he hung up.

An awkward silence hung over us, till I eventually spoke up. "What was that about?"

Chad didn't make eye contact. He just stared straight ahead. "Don't worry about it."

"You can tell me."

"Dude--"

"Isn't that what this relationship stuff is about?" I asked. "Taking care of each other?"

"Look," he said. "Maybe we can talk about it later. I just...." His voice trailed off, and he swallowed hard. "I can only deal with so much shit at one time."

I wanted to press the issue, but we didn't have much time to dwell on it. We knew we'd have to spend most of that weekend with the Kap Eps: it was the first football game of the season, and we were playing BSU, our big rival.

Practically everyone on campus was tailgating, so our fraternity was practically duty-bound to throw a big party. Since Chad and I were still newbies-- along with Ryan, Marcos, and Brody-- we still had to do the grunt work. I, for one, was getting tired of that shit. I couldn't wait for the next round of pledges, so we could pawn it off on them.

Throughout that whole time, I could tell Chad was distracted. I hated being so close to him yet not being able to touch him, or even really talk to him. I would've done anything to make him feel better, but I knew any slip-up could give us away. So I just acted like one of the boys, and I kept my real feelings bottled up.

We ended up scoring a last-minute touchdown to beat BSU 34-33. It only took a few moments before the Row started flooding with people. A lot of dudes were shirtless with body paint on their chests. A good number were already drunk.

Plenty of girls were stumbling around too. Most of the sororities didn't host their own parties, so they relied on fraternities like ours. For straight guys like Luke or Brody, I'm sure it was heaven. They practically had a buffet of hot chicks to choose from, and they could pretty much fuck whoever they wanted.

I couldn't help feeling a little jealous. I kept watching Ryan and Marcos, who seemed to have nothing to hide. They weren't lovey-dovey or anything, but their body language spoke for itself. Those boys were obviously comfortable around each other, and they didn't seem to care if anyone knew it. Ryan kept asking Marcos if he wanted food, or if he needed anything else. Marcos, in turn, kept whispering into Ryan's ear; and I could only imagine what those whispers were about. I wished Chad and I could act like that in public, but at that point it seemed like an unattainable dream.

"You know," Luke said, "we should keep an eye on the freshmen showing up. Rush Week will be here before you know it."

I nodded. "Are we doing the same stuff as last semester?"

"Hell yeah," he said. "All that stuff is tradition. We've done it for years."

I had to force himself to keep a straight face. On the inside, I could feel my hormones start to flow. I thought of the freshman boys Chad and I would get to see prance around naked, jerking off and maybe even having sex. "That's cool," was all I could think to say.

I was horny for at least the next hour. I did my best to hide my boner, and I forced myself to keep biting my lip. But I could still feel the testosterone coursing through my veins. The more I tried to fight it, the more I started to fantasize. I kept imagining Chad's cock down my throat, and the warm tight feeling of my dick in his ass. I thought of all the things I wanted to do to him, and the things I wanted him to do to me. I seriously considered heading to the bathroom to beat myself off, but I decided against it.

I was hanging out in the kitchen, nursing a beer, when Kaylee walked up to me. I could tell she'd already put down a few: her speech was slurred, and her head was swaying. "H-hey Scott," she said.

Oh hell

, I thought.

Not her again

. "Hey," was the only response I could muster.

"You know, I, uh... I haven't seen you in forever."

I shrugged. "I've been busy."

"Doing what?" she asked. Then she took a step toward me. "Or who?"

I felt my body tense up. I tried to find a way to make a graceful exit, but she pretty much had me cornered. "W-what do you mean?"

"Well," she said, "you must have a lot of girls after you."

I wasn't sure how to respond. I just sipped my beer.

Kaylee still kept going. "Is it true what I hear about that futon downstairs?"

"I-I don't know what you heard--"

"That's where you bring all the girls, isn't it?" She gulped down a drink. "Although I gotta say, I've never been there myself...."

"Christ, take a hint," Chad said as he appeared out of nowhere. "He's not interested."

"What?"

"I mean, what the fuck?" he said. "You already have a boyfriend."

"Since when is that your problem?"

"Don't be starting shit around here--"

"Whatever," she said. "I'm getting another drink."

"You've had enough." Chad stood in front of the counter, blocking her path.

"What?" Kaylee said. "You fucking asshole. Who you think you are?"

Chad sneered. "I'm a Kap Ep, and you're not," he said. "You're at my party, in my house, drinking the booze I laid out for you. So yeah, you've got to play by my rules."

Kaylee turned to the rest of us. "Are you going to let him talk to me like that?"

None of us answered. We just looked at each other. Brody and a few others walked up, apparently wanting to know what the commotion was.

Chad took Kaylee's arm. "You need to go," he said.

"Are you kicking me out?"

"You're drunk," he said.

Kaylee scoffed. "Fucking asshole!"

Chad didn't answer. He just pulled her toward the exit. Kaylee kept swearing and struggling, but Chad was having none of it. The other Kap Eps just stood there and watched.

I watched them disappear into the crowd. Then I looked back at the others. No one said a word. We all seemed to be trying to figure out what just happened.

"All right," Brody eventually said, "show's over." And he went to get another drink.

I tried to gauge the others' reactions. Most of the guys just shrugged and walked away.

Marcos was a notable exception. He waited till the others were out of earshot. Then he leaned into me and lowered his voice. "You know, Chad really likes you."

I didn't know how to react. "W-what?"

"Don't play stupid," he said. "He said he came out to you too."

I wasn't sure what to make of that. I thought of what Chad had promised me, especially the part about not telling anyone, and I tried to gauge if he'd kept his word. "Well, I mean yeah I guess--"

"I can see how he looks at you," he said, "and how he talks about you."

"What do you mean, how he talks about me?"

Marcos shrugged. "He tries to make it sound like you're just a friend, but I know better. He's not the first guy I've seen try to figure this shit out."

I didn't like where he was going with this. I wasn't ready to come out to my friends, and I definitely didn't want to tell them about Chad and me. I just got up, made a lame excuse, and headed out to the patio.

A bunch of freshmen were passing around a joint. I was tempted to join them, but I didn't need to be more anxious or horny than I already was. So I just put on a good face and hung out there for a while.

I talked to a guy named Drew, who said he was thinking of rushing. I had to watch what I said to him, especially since our initiation was supposed to be secret. It was hard to tell if he'd heard the rumors, or if he knew what he might be in for. Be that as it may, I was quietly sizing him up. I imagined what he'd look like naked, and how he'd do playing cum-on-a-cookie.

I ended up getting pretty drunk, but Chad got downright wasted. Sometime after midnight, when the house was clearing out, he went stumbling up the stairs. He did make it to the top, but then he fell against the wall, and he collapsed on the floor.

"Dude," I said, "are you all right?"

Chad didn't answer. He looked like he was about to throw up.

As buzzed as I was, I knew I couldn't leave him there. "All right, c'mere," I said, and I helped him to his feet. I guided him into the bathroom, one step at a time.

As soon as we got inside, Chad lost his balance again, and he fell into the tub. His head swayed from side to side, but his eyes were blank. Then he heaved and puked all over himself.

I was totally disgusted, but I forced myself to focus. I pulled off his soiled clothes, and he barely reacted. His whole body was as limp as a rag doll. Then, without any warning, he started to piss himself.

"Oh for fuck's sake," I said. At least he wasn't making more mess; since he was already in the tub, his piss just flowed down the drain. But I was so grossed out that I was close to throwing up myself.

I pulled off Chad's underwear, which was the last thing he was still wearing. Then I threw his clothes in a plastic bag, and I tied the bag shut. I wanted to yell at him, but I knew he was too trashed to hear it, and I was more worried than anything else. Chad was obviously in no shape to be left by himself. So I just sat in the bathroom, next to my naked vomit-streaked piss-soaked boyfriend, and I waited for him to sober up.

Eventually he started to come to, so I rinsed him down in the shower, toweled him off, and helped him back to his room. It was the first time all night we'd had a moment to ourselves.

I tucked him into bed, as if he was a kid. I was tempted to climb in myself, but I decided I shouldn't push my luck. I looked around to make sure no one could see us. Then I bent down and gave him a kiss. He never even reacted; he already seemed fast asleep. I looked at him a minute longer, then left the room and closed the door behind me.

I could've gone home at that point, but I still wanted to keep an eye on Chad. So I did the next-best thing, which was to crash on a couch.

The next morning was basically a blur. I was in better shape than the other guys, but Chad flat-out looked like shit. I could tell he felt like it too, because he spent the whole morning in bed. I checked on him a couple times, but it wasn't till midday that he seemed able to talk.

"Ugh," he said as he put a pillow over his face. "I am never drinking ever again."

I nodded. "It's all right," I said. "I can get you some water. And aspirin."

"You don't have to do that--"

"I want to."

Chad peeked out from under the pillow. "Thanks baby."

Those words made my heart skip a beat. I made sure the door was closed behind us, then sat down on his bed. "You know, technically that was the first time I spent the night at your place."

"Aw shit...."

"It's okay," I said. "I mean, there's always next time...." I put my hand on his chest. "I mostly just wanted to make sure you were okay."

"Yeah, well...." Chad pushed the pillow off his face. "That call yesterday, I mean the one you asked me about... it was from my mom."

I knew I had to tread lightly with this. "Yeah?"

Chad sighed. "Apparently she gave my dad an ultimatum... I mean, I don't think she's comfortable with this gay shit either, or at least she wasn't at first. But apparently she told him to support me or else."

"What do you mean, 'or else?'"

"I don't know. That's what I'm trying to figure out. W-well, I only heard her side of the story, but apparently she said I was their son, and he needed to support me no matter how he felt... whatever the hell that means." He swallowed. "I want to call my dad, but I don't know if he'd answer, and God knows he wouldn't want to talk about it anyway."

I tried to come up with a good response, but I finally gave up. "Shit, I'm sorry," was all I could muster.

"I don't know if she's thinking about breaking up or what. I mean, I'm guessing she probably is, but I hope not. I don't know much about that, but I'm guessing if she did, it'd be an expensive divorce...."

I clutched his hand. "Listen," I said, "no matter what happens--"

"What the fuck am I going to do?" he asked.

"It'll be okay."

"It's all my fault."

"No it's not--"

"Are you saying it's yours?"

"Look," I said, "if there's one thing I've learned about this shit, it's that you can't blame yourself, or anybody else, about things you can't control. And the harder you fight this stuff, the worse it gets." I didn't know what possessed me to say that, because I'd never thought of it that way. Then, before I could stop myself, I found myself saying: "I love you."

Chad didn't seem to know how to react. I was hoping for an

I love you too

, but instead he cleared his throat. "Dammit, don't say that."

A pang of fear shot through my body.

Shit

, I thought,

did I just say the wrong thing?

"You just like the idea of me," he said.

"Maybe six months ago," I said, "when I just thought you were really fucking hot. And you were awesome in bed. But knowing what I know now, even though it hasn't been easy... somehow that's made me fall for you that much more."

Before I could say another word, Chad sat up and kissed me. It was the most passionate kiss I'd ever felt, at least from my end, and I wanted to take it further. But then I remembered the other Kap Eps were right outside the door.

Chad broke off the kiss and held me tight. I pressed my cheek against his, and I breathed in the smell of his skin. "I'm sorry about all this," I said, "but it'll be okay."

"I hope you're right," he whispered.

Me too

, I thought to myself, though I didn't dare say the words.

I would've liked to spend another night, but I had class the next day, and I had shit to get done in the meantime. I brought Chad some chips and guac-- my favorite hangover food-- then gave him a kiss and headed home.

I was walking down the street, about a block from my house, when I noticed a curly-haired guy coming toward me. At first I didn't recognize him, but then I realized it was the dude we'd seen on Grindr, the one who called himself O'Mac.

My first thought was that I was in on a secret. But as the guy got closer, I saw he practically advertised he was gay. He was wearing a shirt for Wildcat Pride, and he had a rainbow flag on his backpack. He even had a bit of a limp wrist, and he seemed to sashay down the sidewalk.