The water lapped up against my feet and then retreated again with a sigh. The night air was a bit brisk, but not cold enough to keep me inside, especially when my mind was so busy whirring away.
The sand gritted between my toes as I dug trenches in the wet ground. Salty air clung to my hair, concealing my face from the outside world as I hunched over, twisting bits of sand in my fingers with mindless cause.
I could hardly focus.
Every event from the past two years seemed to come flying at me in every direction and just as I'd latch on to one, it would transform into another.
I was exhausted.
Every part of this day seemed like a dream. The pent up feelings and the many sleepless nights had all culminated into one conversation. Honestly though, I shouldn't be surprised.
He said he didn't love me. He said he never had. He said he didn't even know.
How could he not know?
A wave crashed nearby and I was suddenly flooded with precipitation. All my thoughts had distracted me from the incoming tide. I sputtered for air and dissolutely staggered to my feet. With water dripping from my now drenched clothes, I retreated a few paces and sat down again.
Surely he'd known. He must've at least suspected that I had feelings for him. Two years. I felt like such an idiot. Was I really just that stupid?
I kept dwelling on that look in his eyes though.
Not today. No, today I'd only seen fear there, but months ago, like that time we were in math class and I'd looked up and caught him gazing at me, although he'd quickly glanced away, I was sure I had seen it.
Or had I? Maybe he'd just liked me as a friend. I don't know. It all just seemed so confusing.
My feet had now recreated their sandy excavation and were now sinking into the wet earth, disappearing with every passing second.
How could I have been so blind? And what about that time when he held my hand and picked me up into his arms? What about then? Do friends do that? Do friends tell each other that they love each other?
We had.
I shivered. The evening sea breeze bit through my soaking clothes and I gazed up at the moon, wondering if this was all somehow my fault--if I'd just created a doomed fictitious relationship inside my own mind.
And then today. I just couldn't resist. He was so beautiful and the day was so nice. The sun was just setting and we still had days left on our family vacations. I'd gazed into his eyes and it had just all come pouring out.
I tried to be reasonable and understanding, but his words stung. The smile that had been on his lips quickly transformed into words of pain, fear, and hurt. He said he didn't want to talk to me again. He said he couldn't believe I could be so selfish. And he couldn't believe I'd just throw away our friendship.
I guess some of what he said was right. And that's what made it sting all the more.
I closed my eyes and hung my head, allowing the white noise of the ocean to wash over me.
I just wish I could forget it all. I wish I'd soon wake up from this bad dream.
My mind slowly drifted into a far away land of nothingness.
I was so caught up in my reverie that the sound of the ocean concealed the soft footsteps that made their way to where I was sitting. They ended just beside me and sitting down, I noticed their presence.
It was him.
