I am 30 years old, and still a virgin. This fact increasingly makes me want to cry. Knowing that I was not a looker, I have spent my life going to school and getting a good career. I'm a nurse, and I work 60 hours a week on average. Makes it kinda hard to get laid, huh?
Now that I have attained a certain amount of seniority at the hospital where I work, I asked to be placed on three 12 hour days a week, figuring that I might have some time to find a boyfriend in my spare time... or maybe just a one night stand. This immediately turned out to be wishful thinking as I had no idea how to find a good man.
I tried speed dating -- no luck. I tried going to the bars, and I could not believe how many of the men who hit on me were married, grotesque, or just plain repulsive. Don't get me wrong, my standards are low, but not that low, damn!
I may have decided to just give up, and consign myself to life long virginity, loneliness, and permanent overtime, but my biological clock decided to kick in with a vengeance. I couldn't help myself; I wanted a baby. I figured that even if I only ever had sex once, as long as it resulted in a baby, I would have someone to love, who loved me in return. Besides, I'd be
such
a good mother!
The smart thing to do would have been to adopt, or go to a sperm bank. Hell, it may have even been smarter to give into one of the grotesque, teeth missing, balding, smelly men with huge beer guts at the bar. Call me shallow; call me vain, but I just didn't... I just
couldn't
bring myself to let one of those between my legs. I shudder just thinking about it!
I researched the local sperm bank, and nearly decided on that as an option, but while surfing the internet, I stupidly spent 8 hours looking on a site that is reminiscent of Youtube... but for porn. Oh the videos on that site! There were videos for things I would never have the courage or desire to try, but they made me burn with wanton need. I was seriously ready to ambush the neighbor on his way into his apartment, but he was married... and about 50 years old. Probably not a good idea.
In frustration, I decided to go to the park. I figured that it would be safe there. Everyone would have clothes on, and no one would be having sex. There might even be a bunch of babies to watch play. Boy was I wrong! It was a hot summer day, and everyone was wearing as little as possible. Everywhere I looked, couples were making out -- total PDA! There were babies... but watching them play made me want at least a dozen of my own! This was worse than watching internet porn.
I leaned back to look at the nice blue sky. It was clear except for one cloud, and I swear that cloud was shaped like a couple fucking doggie style. I bit back a scream; it wouldn't do to make a scene in public, but I was going to have to do something drastic, for sure.
A man placed his foot on the other end of the bench I was sitting on, and retied his shoe. I tried not to look at him, but curiosity got the better of me. He. Was. Gorgeous! He was tall, blond, and muscular. Believe me, his tiny tight shorts, and form-fitting wife beater left nothing to the imagination. I rather hoped that I wasn't overestimating his package -- if you know what I mean.
I tried not to stare... overtly. I made it look like I was facing straight ahead, but my eyes were glued to him. There was no way I could get a man like him. I mean come on, short, plain bordering on ugly, and pudgy to boot. I was not his type.
He had just finished jogging around the park paths, and was quenching his thirst from a glass water bottle, of all things. He looked around as if deciding whether to go another round, and his eyes landed on me. An expression crossed his face that was not intended to be mean, but pretty much confirmed that I was not his type.
He quickly found a girl that fit his tastes, and I noticed that she was a prime bit of eye candy. She was petite, skinny with muscles, and curves a Victoria's Secret model would be jealous of. She also happened to have red hair, and
no
concern over her miniscule bikini.
I watched him leave, wondering why he didn't try to pick her up, and had a sudden urge to follow him. I even went so far as to get in my car and follow his mid-sized gold convertible all the way to his house. Oops!
Regaining my senses, I sped home, and nearly had a heart attack as I passed a speed trap. Thankfully there were about 10 cars behind me, and the squad car had to settle for the last traffic violator in line. I breathed a sigh of relief, and turned into my parking lot.
Once at home, I paced my living room. I was out of options, I was just going to have to get drunk and stand on a street corner. Maybe I could lose my virginity
and
get paid for it... There might be one man attracted to my type...
I opened a new bottle of tequila, and opting for speed over caution, started downing shots. Five shots later, and I was ready to go! Until I stood up, tripped over an invisible elf, and fell flat on my face. Wow, this floor is pretty darn comfortable!
The next afternoon -- thank god I didn't have to work! -- I decided to go recuperate in the park. I wore a pair of extra dark sunglasses to block out the light, and tried to ignore all of the scantily clad hornballs and absolutely adorable babies. It was either this or internet porn, and this seemed like the slightly less frustrating idea.
After about a half an hour, I noticed tall blond and gorgeous jogging around the park, and despite him being at least 50 feet away at all times, I swear I could see each jiggle of his balls, and every sway of his shaft. They completely took over my vision, and appeared to throb oh so invitingly.
I decided to make an escape, but then he came over to my bench, the same one I sat on yesterday, and placed one foot on it as he drained his water bottle. As he swallowed, his throat moved in a way that made me think of sex. Of course, that was probably because I was dying to screw this man into the first available bed we happened upon.
He looked around the park, and sighed. It's true that I seemed to be the only available woman here today, and we have already established that I am not his type. I watched him leave, and suppressed the urge to stalk him. Again, heh heh.
I didn't want to go home yet, and I knew I had to work tomorrow, so getting drunk and standing on a corner was not a good idea. Too bad I couldn't just abduct him...
It wouldn't be hard. I could grab some tranquilizers from work, and load them into my dart gun. I was a pretty good shot if I did say so myself. I laughed at the absurdity of my plan.
The next day at work, I got my monthly blood, and knew that having sex with anyone would not result in pregnancy for another couple of weeks anyway. I would have realized that if I had thought about it two days ago, but let's just say that I wasn't thinking with my brain then.
I decided that a vacation was in order. I could take a car trip, and maybe find the right man while I was away. I requested a whole week off in six weeks, and realized that I should be ovulating then, so if I did find a man, things might go according to plan.
On all my days off, I drove myself crazy looking at internet porn, and then escaping from that to go to the park. Every time I was at the park, I saw the blond hottie, and my desire to have him grew beyond all reason.
A week before my vacation, I realized I had completely forgotten to plan my trip, and I also had a pretty impressive stash of tranquilizers in syringes. This made me realize that they wouldn't fit in my dart gun, and I decided a trip to the nearest big box sporting store might be helpful. What do you know, they do actually sell fillable darts for my dart gun.
Makes me wonder what they think us customers will fill them with, but then again, I suppose that animal control might shop here. Oh well, makes things easier for me.
What in the hell am I doing? I can't seriously think that I can kidnap him! That's just plain crazy! I'm going to need a blindfold, and some comfortable straps or rope, or something...
I made up a list, and checked on the internet where I could locate these items nearby. Soon, it was the first day of my vacation, and I was waiting in the park for my poor unfortunate victim. With my luck, he'd be home sick today, but no, there he was.
I didn't want to seem suspicious, so I went to wait in my car. I saw him finish his run, and head towards his car, and I took careful aim. Just as he reached to open his car, I shot him with the dart full of liquid tranquilizer. I aimed for his jugular, and was actually amazed when it hit him right where I wanted it to.
He slapped his neck as if a mosquito had bitten him, and pulled the dart out with an expression of horror, mixed with interest, as if he was thinking, "Hmm, well something this strange doesn't happen everyday." He swayed, and slumped into his car.
I took a quick look around, and noticed that no one had noticed anything out of the ordinary. It must look like he was just resting in his car for a minute. I went to him, and carefully checked his pulse, and his response to being patted on the cheek. He was out cold, and his heartbeat wasn't too slow. That was my big concern; that I'd give him too much.
I was grateful for my years of experience carrying and moving patients in various states of unconsciousness. I was able to pull him out of the car and bring him to the passenger side pretty easily.
"What's wrong with him?" The woman getting into the next car asked.
"He's diabetic, and forgot to eat when taking his insulin this morning. Good thing I know him, and am a nurse. I'll bring him to the doctor, and we'll put him on a glucose drip." I went into
way