I walked into the living room and saw my brother's friend, Jason, sitting on the couch. I was about to turn around and go back upstairs when I saw that he had his head in his hands. His posture seemed defeated.
I hesitated in the doorway, wondering if I should say something. Jason had been hanging out with my brother since they'd been in elementary school. Needless to say, while we weren't exactly close, I'd spent plenty of time around him in the past eight years. It felt weird not to say anything.
"Jason?" I called out softly.
He looked up, his dark eyebrows disappearing below the curls hanging loosely over his forehead. "Oh, Janine." He sniffed. Had he been crying? "Shit. Sorry, I..." He took a deep breath, and stood up. "Sorry," he said again, straightening up his clothes. "I was just looking for Paul. He said he'd be around."
"Ah," I said, taking a hesitant step into the living room. "He's at Marcie's place right now. Did he say he'd be back?" Usually, when he left this late, he would spend the night there.
Jason shook his head and shrugged. "He just said to feel free to come over. I guess I made the assumption that he'd be here, but now I'm thinking he was just trying to encourage me to get out of my apartment for a change of scenery." He ran a hand through his hair, pulling his curls out of his face.
"Change of scenery?" I repeated.
He rolled his eyes. "I think he thinks I spend too much time at my apartment playing video games." He paused. "Sorry, I don't know why I'm telling you this." He began walking towards the table, where I saw he'd laid his jacket. "If he's at Marcie's, he probably won't be back anytime soon. I'm sure you're enjoying having the apartment to yourself. I'll get out of your hair," he said, and though his voice sounded almost back to normal, I noticed the slight crack on the last word.
"Wait, Jason," I reached out to curl my fingers around his arm. He'd grabbed his jacket and had been walking towards me, towards the living room entrance, putting him within arms length. I hadn't moved out of the way to let him pass. "Sit down. Tell me what's wrong. I've never seen you this upset before."
Jason ran his eyes over my face disbelievingly. I registered the surprised tilt of his eyebrows. "Come on," I said. "Don't look at me like that. You and my brother are super tight. It's not like we aren't at least friends, right?" I slid my hand down his arm and grabbed his hand. As my fingers laced with his, I noticed his palm was clammy and shaking.
"Come on," I said again, dragging him by the hand back to the couch. I sat down and pulled him with me, right next to me. It wasn't like I'd forced him; he'd let me guide him. He was double my size. Literally. Jason was about six foot two, but also big around the waist. I was pretty sure he weighed at least twice what I did, so if he wasn't interested in sitting back down next to me, he could have definitely stood his ground.
"Tell me what's wrong," I ordered him gently, letting go of his hand and leaning back into the couch as I turned my body towards him. I could tell he was feeling down, and I wanted to be a good person and give him my full attention.
"It's just...I don't know. It feels weird talking to you about this. You're Paul's little sister."
"I'm eighteen now, Jason," I pointed out. "I'm not that little anymore."
"Oh yeah," he said, smiling at me. I was glad to see the break of sadness on his face. Jason wasn't the most attractive guy, but the smile definitely made him look approachable and kind. And sweet. "I don't think I told you happy birthday last month, did I?" he said sheepishly.
I let out a chuckle and waved it off. "Don't worry about it. I know you were really busy finishing up finals. Speaking of which, it's so cool that you're about to graduate. Two weeks left, right?" I said, bringing my hands together and clapping enthusiastically for him.
He nodded, but his smile slipped away as he sighed heavily. "Yeah...the last two weeks." His eyes glazed as he looked down at nothing in particular. "I just can't believe - well, it's like you said, there's two weeks left and honestly, I've been really bummed because Mary broke up with me this morning. I wanted to talk to Paul about it, to clear my head I guess. I just can't believe she would do this right before finals," he finished, shaking his head. I saw his fingers had fisted into the blanket thrown on the back of the couch.
I blinked, feeling a pang of sadness for him. "Oh shit. Mary broke up with you?" I didn't really know much about Mary except that she was a recent addition to Jason's life. They'd started dating a couple of months ago. I'd been really surprised to hear about it, because for most of my life, Jason had been single. However, I'd been really happy for him, and I'd thought it had been going really well.
"Yeah. Through a text." To my surprise, I saw a tear edge out of the corner of his eye, but he wiped it away before it could fall down his cheek. He looked away. "Sorry, this is so embarrassing."
"No, why would you think that?"
He shrugged, leaning back against the couch. "Because I feel like a loser. Because it feels weird to talk to you about this stuff."
"Aw, Jason," I crooned. "You're not a loser. You'll find someone else."
He shook his head, and his shoulders slumped further as he groaned. "Ugh, that's the thing, Janine. I'm twenty-two and I've literally never had a girlfriend longer than two months."
I paused, not really knowing what to say to that. He noticed the hesitancy on my face and let out a laugh. "See? You're eighteen and you've already had more relationship experience than me."
It was my turn to shake my head as I tried to come up with something to counter him. "Jason, you will find someone!" I said, at a loss for how to console him.
He flashed me a look that read, If you say so. "Look, you wouldn't get it. You're a girl, and you're really pretty and attractive, and I bet you have people lined up wanting to be with you."
"That's not true," I countered, opening my mouth to say more but not really having anything concrete to say.
"Janine, what's the longest you've been single for?" he said testily.
I looked away from him as I picked at the pilling on my pants. Finally, I shrugged. "I don't know, it's not like I keep track."
"Exactly! That's the thing though, I was single for four years before Mary, Janine. Four. When that much time goes by, you do keep track. And before that it was another month long relationship in high school. That's it. That's all my experience. No one wants to be with me because I'm overweight and I still have acne even though I'm twenty-two and it just feels like I'm going to die a virgin," he rambled.
My eyebrows shot up at that last part.
"Oh shit, sorry, that's awkward," he said, shaking his head and turning a deep shade of purple. "I didn't mean to dump that on you, it's weird."
My hand shot out to his again. I squeezed my fingers around his reassuringly. I said firmly, "No, it's fine. There's nothing wrong with being a virgin. I appreciate your honesty, and I'm glad that you feel comfortable talking about this with me," I told him. He caught my gaze briefly, and he gave me a small smile of appreciation.
In the back of my head, I wondered if this was the kind of conversation he'd been hoping to have with my brother. I couldn't imagine them talking about things like this; my brother was so emotionally disconnected, not to mention the fact that he was always flitting from girlfriend to girlfriend.
"So you and Mary never..." I asked, trailing off. But as soon as the words were out of my mouth, I bit my lip. I pulled my hand back from his again. "Wow, sorry, that's really none of my business." I chuckled awkwardly. I really needed to work on that filter.
"No, it's okay." He shrugged. "Mary was super conservative. We didn't do anything besides kiss. Most girls don't want to do anything with me when they hear I have no experience," he explained, sniffing again. "It's honestly just...really depressing. And lonely."
My heart broke for him and I snuggled up next to him as I laid an arm around his shoulder. "Jason, I'm so sorry. It sounds like you've been really sad about this for a while."
"Yeah, I guess. It's weird, when we were in middle school, Paul and I were both the nerdy outcasts, but then towards the end of high school he just...evolved. And I never had my glow up. I probably never will." He hesitated. "I know it's so stupid to focus on this right before exams are coming up and with me about to graduate, but I just never thought I'd finish university without having sex, you know? I was holding on to hope that Mary..." He trailed off. "I just wish I wasn't this ugly."
"Jason, you are not ugly!" I cuddled up into his side more, nudging him. He was big and warm and soft, and I hated that he thought these things of himself. Sure, he wasn't built like a model, but he was really nice and really smart. You had to be, to be about to graduate with an engineering degree.
He laughed miserably. "I know I'm throwing myself a pity party right now, but, well, let's just look at the facts. No one wants to fuck me, Janine."
I shook my head. "Honestly, Jason. You have some good features. For example, your curly hair is really cute," I said, reaching up and twisting a strand of his dark hair around my finger. I felt his breath hitch and I caught his eyes flit down my body before he looked away. A little shocked, I let the strand fall and rested my hand back to his shoulder. I suddenly became aware of the fact that I was pressed up against him in my camisole and short shorts. My breasts were pushed into the side of his arm, my clothing the only barrier between my nipples and his skin.
I swallowed thickly as I took a closer look at him. He fumbled with the frills on the couch blanket, and I realized that his hand was shaking.
"Jason, honestly, your biggest problem is probably confidence," I said slowly. "Not to be an asshole." I wanted to point out that I was sitting next to him and he was basically shaking, but I didn't want to rub salt into the wound or make things awkward between us. I leaned back slightly to give him some space; I didn't want to overwhelm him.
He looked back at me in protest, and I didn't know if it was because I'd extricated myself from my comfortable position next to him or if it was because he disagreed with what I said.
"It's really hard to have confidence when you have no experience with the opposite sex. I've never even seen a naked woman before," he added helplessly.
Again, my eyebrows shot up. Before I could help myself, I asked him, "Really? Not even in porn?"
