"My office, NOW!" growled my boss from the hall outside my door.
I'd fucked up royally this time.
"Close the door, Jenkins," he demanded as I slunk into the room behind him. My tie suddenly felt very tight around my neck. "And sit down for God's sake."
I gulped and complied with the order. The old hard ass sat across the heavy desk and stared at me.
"Well?" he said, holding his hands out like he was ready to receive my excuse physically. "What the fuck's going on with you, huh? What's this I hear about another Intern taking a half day? Eh? Or poor Melissa? Huh? Why am I signing expense forms to have flowers sent to her house? Start fuckin' talking, kid, and make it *real* good now, because I'm not in any mood for some bullshit excuses here!"
"I just, uh, I...I just..."
"Jesus H. Christ kid, you're a mess! And I can't afford for you to be messy! Not now!" The old blowhard's craggy face softened somewhat as he huffed through his nose. "Look, I know you're not a bad guy, but we really, really can't be having you losing your cool around here, you know?"
"I know. I do - I...I know it."
"Yeah? Then what the fuck, huh? Half the staff think you're a loose cannon, and I won't always be around here to cover for you, will I?"
"No," I replied miserably.
"Will I?" he insisted.
"No, sir."
"No, I won't." He smeared a handkerchief across his sweaty brow. "So what are we gonna do about this, eh?"
I inspected my shoes.
"Work with me here, kid, come on!" He pleaded. He wasn't such a bad guy, really.
"I've just been, I don't know...a little on edge."
"On edge? You made a co-op student throw up because he was crying so hard! His mom had to come get him, Jenkins! His mom!"
"Yeah..."
Cooper took a sip of his coffee to steady his rising ire again, not looking at me for a long minute.
"Anything you need to tell me? Anything at all, no shame. If you got things at home that you're bringing to work with you, we can figure that out, okay? You're my best guy, and I'd hate to let HR at ya, but I can't help you if you don't let me. So, come on; what is it, eh? A girl? You got a girl giving you grief?"
"No sir, there's no girl. I...I live alone."
"No girl! Oh Christ kid, that's worse! That's way worse! No wonder you're wound up tighter than a honey badger's asshole!"
"Is that a saying, sir?"
"It is now!" he said, reaching across his desk to paw at the antique call button. "Margaret? Maggie, are you there?"
"Yes Mr. Cooper, what can I do for you?" came her tinny reply.
"Maggy, yeah, get RightLife on the phone; have them send one of their people over right away."
"Sure thing Mr. Cooper! Is this for you?"
"Hell no, Maggie, come on now; it's for Jenkins!"
"I don't think Mr. Jenkins' plan will cover that..."
"Then get him a better plan!"
"Right away, sir!"
Cooper leaned his bulk back into his chair heavily, crossing fat fingers across his gut with a look of deep satisfaction, like he'd just solved a problem that nobody else could have. "Why don't you go take a long lunch, eh? I'm sure they'll have someone here by the time you get back?"
I nodded and mumbled my thanks before rising to leave.
*******
Returning from a half hour of scarfing a burrito alone in my car, I forced myself to make an effort to smile at the few people I passed through the office; I needed to do some damage control, if only so Cooper wouldn't throw me to the wolves in HR.
"Happy Friday, Janet!" I said in what I hoped would pass for genuine cheer as I walked through the lobby.
"Are you sick or something?" the front desk girl asked in disgust before returning to an inspection of her manicured nails.
"Haha, good one!" I said with barely restrained contempt, "Sick of this work week, am I right?"
"Eat a dick, asshole," she mumbled when I was almost out of earshot. It was a good try.
"Darrin, my man; big plans this weekend?" I tried with my rotund colleague at the watercooler closest to my office.
"What?" he asked, spilling the small paper cone on his pants nervously, "no, I mean, uh..."
"Nice, nice man, sounds awesome," I replied indifferently, not having listened for his answer. I pushed through to my little office, closing the door behind me.
"Hello!" said a sprightly redheaded woman from the corner of the room.
"Jesus fuck!" I replied with a start, "Sorry! You scared me. Uhh...did someone let you in here?"
"Oh heavens!" she giggled animatedly, "I'm sorry! I'm Alex! From RightLife?"
The little woman held out a hand, which I shook skeptically. She was dressed suitably enough for the setting; an expensive looking white button-up blouse with long sleeves and a black pencil skirt that left her calves on glorious display. Nothing seemed amiss, even if the skirt was a *shade* shorter and the heels a *touch* higher than other women might have gone for at work. I wasn't complaining; she had a tremendous body, with squishy bits that were very nearly disproportional for her otherwise slender frame. None of that even stacked up to her cherubic face, with ripe little cheeks that I wanted to take a freckled bite out of, and a wide, warm smile to match.
"Okay, okay cool; I'm Andy." She pinned me in place with an tourmaline stare that made me forget all about letting go of her hand until she glanced away; her eyes were so very green. "Sorry," I muttered again, "Do you want to take a seat and we can, uh, get started...or whatever? Can I get you anything? Tea? A coffee?"
"Oh no," she said cheerfully, "I'm okay, thank you! Where should I be?"
I squinted at her incomprehensively; aside from my chair, the only other one in the room was on the other side of the desk. "Yeah, just...in the chair? There?"
"Great!" she said, brushing past me to take the seat. I did likewise across from her.
"So, how does this work then? Do you start, or do I need to? What's the, uh, the deal?"
"Well," she began with a patient smile, "what do you prefer, Andy?" I struggled to fathom how someone could sound so bubbly and calm at the same time. It was like having a busty kindergarten teacher explain to me that I couldn't eat crayons while handing me cotton candy instead.
"Whatever is best? I guess? I'm not sure. Why don't you start?"
"Sure, that sounds perfect!" That smile was killing me. "Without you then?" She fingered at the top button of her blouse, popping it open and moving to the next.
"Wait, hang on!" I stammered as she began work on her third button. The first two alone had already revealed a shocking amount of her pale cleavage. "What are you doing?"
She paused, confused, delicate fingers frozen in place. "I'm sorry Mr. Jenkins; what do you mean?"
"I thought this was, I don't know, anger management or something? You're taking your top off!"
With obvious relief, Alex laughed musically, slapping her hands to her lap but doing nothing to hide the deep valley between her freckled tits. "Oh gosh! Okay, alright; that one is on me! My mistake! I assumed you were familiar with what we do here."
I had never been more confused in all my life. "Is this...is this not anger management?"
"Well first of all," she explained with the patient grace of a maternal caretaker, "we don't like to use the word 'anger' in our line of work. We take a more holistic approach to behavioral adjustment that frames things like frustration and anxiety as being tied to the stresses that are common to many modern corporate employees." She finished her recitation by fixing me with a look as though she'd explained everything in perfect detail. I returned her gentle smile with slack-jawed ignorance.
Seconds stretched on as I struggle to comprehend.
"What?"
"Why, Mr. Jenkins," she continued, "I'm here to get you off, of course!" She sounded, for all the world, like she'd just said the most perfectly logical thing on earth.