TO THE READER: this story includes several characters from the series of Jason Garrett stories; however, this story is not part of that series.
It was Christmas morning, 2004. My family was gathered together at my parents' home in Pasadena. My brother Jason had driven down from Fresno a few days earlier, and my sister Emily and I didn't have a choice about being there – being that we were both in high school, we both had to be there!
We were down to the last few presents under the tree. My family has always gone around and opened presents in order, from youngest to oldest, and we were on the last time round.
"Austin," my dad said, digging under the tree. "Ah-ha, here we go. Last present for Austin."
He pulled out a box that wasn't too big, but when he handed it to me it seemed awfully heavy for its size.
To Austin, from Jason
, the tag said.
To put a little fun into your first B.E.Q.
I had enlisted in the Air Force just after my eighteenth birthday in early November. I would be shipping out for Basic Training a few weeks after graduation, and apparently Jason had decided to get me something to put a little life into my first Bachelor Enlisted Quarters, the military's answer to a dorm that was sure to be bland as cottage cheese.
I opened the package... and stopped dead.
"Jesus, Jason, you must've spent over five hundred dollars!" I blurted.
"Hey, now, love for a brother knows no monetary bounds," he replied with a smile. "Although, Erin did chip in some on it."
"You've been dating her since Thanksgiving," I said, "and she's already helping you buy my Christmas present?"
"Why not?" he said. "I helped with her younger brother's present."
"Oh," I said. Then I turned my attention back to the contents of the package.
He had given me one of those mini-DVD players, with the nine inch screen and the available outputs to a larger TV; the
American Pie
trilogy; and a $200 gift card to the Second Spin store in Sherman Oaks.
"Wow," I said. "Santa Claus REALLY came through in the form of my brother this year!"
Over the course of the first three months of 2005, I must've watched the
American Pie
trilogy ten or twelve times. Yeah, I was able to get about fifteen DVDs from Second Spin with the giftcard Jason gave me, and I did watch all of them, but the
American Pie
movies are truly classic as far as teen comedy goes. However, the first movie kept reminding me painfully that I was still a virgin. Fortunately, Jason was four years older than me, and he was still a virgin too – or so I thought.
I found out the truth when he was home over Spring Break. I had gone to the Northridge Fashion Center with my friend Kacey McLaren, Jason, and Jason's girlfriend Erin Benning. We were in the food court, and Kacey had excused herself to go use the restroom, when Erin asked me if I liked my Christmas present.
"Oh yeah," I replied. "It's great, except for the fact that
American Pie
keeps reminding me of the fact that I'm a virgin. However, when that happens, I take solace in the knowledge that I'm not the only male Garrett who's still a virgin."
Jason started chuckling, and then downright laughing.
"Aw, hell no," I said dejectedly.
"Uh, yeah," he replied. "Speak for yourself, buddy." Then he turned, looked at Erin, and they both started laughing.
"Aw, HELL no," I said. "God DAMMIT."
Kacey chose that moment to return. Now, there's something you need to know about Kacey.
By the end of our sophomore year of high school, Kacey had become known as the "high school bicycle." It seemed that everybody had had a ride – or at least, that's how the rumors went. The rumors also said that junior year, she had reformed her ways and hadn't had sex with a single guy since the summer of 2003. When she turned 18 in January of 2005, instead of celebrating with a wild sex party, as everybody in our class had expected she would, she went bowling.
Now, normally, I would not characterize myself as an evil bastard. However, at that moment, the little devil that you often see in cartoons decided to pop up on my left shoulder, and the little angel was nowhere to be found.
"Come on, Austin," the devil urged. "She's your best chance to get laid before you graduate. Ask her to prom! Do it
American Pie
style!"
And so I did. "Kacey, would you like to go to prom with me?"
She turned to me, a look of surprise on her face. "Really?" she asked. "You really want me to go to prom with you?"
Yes, of course I do, you're hot and you're my best chance of getting laid before I go off to Basic Training
. "Yeah," I replied. "I think it'd be really cool and fun and..."
Jason started laughing again. I was making a fool of myself, and he could see it.
I just turned to him and glared. "Would you shut the fuck up."
That just made him laugh all the harder. Fortunately, Kacey said yes. So, I had three weeks to prom to figure out how to get Kacey to break her new-found reformation.
For advice, I turned to the gentlemen who I fondly refer to as the "Three Stooges." Joe, Sean, and Chris had all grown up with me at my church and we were known as the "Goodfellas" of our church – we were untouchable, and everybody liked us. So, the weekend before prom, we met at the Glendale Galleria. After making sure I was outfitted with a tux fit for a pimp, we headed up to the food court, and over our Panda Express, they told me everything I needed to do.
"First off," said Joe. "You gotta have flowers. I don't just mean a corsage, either. I mean, yeah, you still need to get her the corsage. And for God's sake, make sure you know what color her dress is so that you get her a corsage that contrasts WELL with it."
"That is the most gay thing I've ever heard you say," cracked Sean. Sean was headed for the Marine Corps shortly after graduation.
"Shut your fucking piehole and let me finish, you short little bastard," Joe replied. "Anyway, make sure you get her flowers. A dozen roses is ALWAYS good. And I don't mean go to Von's and buy her the fucking $9.99 dozen of red roses. Go to a florist, an actual FLORIST – maybe even where you get the corsage, and get them there."
"Jesus tap-dancing Christ," I said, in shock. "I don't have money coming out of my ass, Joe. I can't afford the corsage AND a dozen roses! Shit, I wouldn't have been able to afford the limo if Jason hadn't hooked me up!"
Well, really, Erin had hooked me up, but these guys didn't know her, so I just said Jason.
Joe pulled a twenty out of his wallet and slapped it on the table. "There," he said. "That should cover a decent portion of it. Consider it a contribution from me to the 'Get Austin Garrett Laid' fund."
"Alright," Sean said. "Next thing, booze. You need to have wine in the limo, and I'm not talking about Two Buck Chuck from Trader Joe's."
Two Buck Chuck was the way we referred to Charles Shaw Wine, the cheap shit that you bought from Trader Joe's.
"You need to get something good," he continued. "I would say go for a white wine, because they taste sweeter, and a girl is more likely to drink enough of something to get drunk if it tastes good. It shouldn't be too old, either, otherwise it'll be too sweet."
"Now who sounds like the fag," cracked Joe. He and Chris both busted up laughing.
"Just two problems with that, Sean," I said. "First of all, the last time I checked, the drinking age in California was 21, and I'm only 18! How the hell am I going to get wine? And secondly, once again, I don't have money coming out of my ass!"
"No problem," Sean replied. "I'll get it for you."
"You'll just get it for me?"
"Yeah," he said. "I mean, for Christ's sake, my parents live in Laurel Canyon. They have a wine cellar bigger than our damn church. I'll just sneak a bottle of something really good out of there – they'll never know it's missing."
Well, that was flowers and wine taken care of.
"Alright," said Chris. "Now, you know I've slept with a lot of girls."
"Yeah," replied Joe. "We didn't give you the Wang's 50 award for nothing, you man whore."
"God dammit, I'm talking here, Joe," snapped Chris, although he did start laughing. "Anyway, so I've been successful in getting a lot of women in bed. First thing you have to do – convince her you aren't in this for the sex.
"Secondly, you've got to be sensitive. Now, I've known you for my entire life, Austin, and you can be a really insensitive prick sometimes."
"Oh, thanks, asshole," I replied.
"Granted, you've gotten a lot better about it this year," Chris continued. "But you still need to make sure to be sensitive. It'll make her like you even more."
"Chris, she's already my friend," I said. "She already either likes me or she doesn't."
"But has she ever seen your sensitive side?" Chris countered.
"Well, no, I guess not," I said. "There's never really been reason."
"There you go," Chris said. "Be sensitive.
"Finally," he went on, "condoms. Make sure you have condoms."
"And if I forget?" I asked.
"Then you're screwed – or rather, you're probably not. I guarantee you that she'll be ten times more likely to fuck you if you have protection."
He reached into his backpack. "Now, I know you, Austin, and I know that you probably aren't comfortable with just watching into Target and buying a box of condoms, so I too have a contribution to the 'Get Austin Garrett Laid' fund."
With that, he pulled out a box of Trojan Extra Sensitive condoms. "These are the most expensive," he said. "They're also the best. There's ten here. You barely know that they're on."
He pushed the box across the table. I put it in my backpack.