Slapstick Sunday

Kate and I were relieved as we closed the front door on the last guests to leave our Bar-be-que party. It was about 11.15pm on Sunday night and we had been feeding and entertaining friends and relatives since 2.00pm that afternoon.

Don't get me wrong; we'd had a fantastic day with everyone enjoying the day in our back garden. There were plenty of games like skittles, boules and badminton and there was a paddling pool for the little ones. I'd even managed for once to serve up some great steaks and sausages that were not pink and raw or burnt to a cinder and Kate as usual had laid out a superb spread of salads, French sticks, cold meats, dips, cheeses, trifles etc.

The day had been an especially warm early summer's day and whilst we had spent most of the day in T-shirts and shorts, at this late hour it had started to turn a little bit chilly.

"So love," I said to Kate, "I s'pose we had better get this lot cleaned up. We can't leave it as we've got to go to work tomorrow."

Kate sighed, "Okay John, just let me change out of my shorts first. It's not particularly warm now and my legs are getting cold."

Kate and I have been married for coming up to two years. I met Kate at work when she came to work in our research department. I'm 28, not bad looking, brown hair, 5'11" and reasonably fit. I guess I'm just a regular guy. Well that's not strictly true.

I'm actually a very lucky guy. I couldn't believe it when 25-year old Kate and I hit it off. Kate was my dream girl. Petite, she's only 5'4", she has brown hair, hazel eyes, comparatively long legs for one so short. Her cute upturned nose, bright eyes and permanent happy smile turn my legs to jelly even now after five years.

We have a nice home and good jobs, although she now works at another company. Sexually, Kate is very adventurous and is willing to try anything once. That's why I am so happy that I can have her tight arse on a regular basis, She loves being fucked up the deaf and dumb 'til I shoot my load.

She'll dress up, act out fantasies, swallow my come, fuck outdoors, go to pubs wearing no knickers, shave her cunt if I ask, yep I am a very, very lucky man.

Whilst Kate quickly nipped upstairs I started to stack the white plastic chairs and put them in the shed. I then started to bring into the kitchen the bowls, plates and dishes of unfinished food from the trestle table that we had set up under an awning next to the house.

"So who's going to wash and who's going to wipe?" I asked as Kate entered the kitchen now wearing a pair of grey sweatpants but still with the tight T-shirt she had been wearing.

"I'll sort out the uneaten food and you wash up and we'll share the drying," she negotiated.

"That's fine by me," I moved to the sink and set the tap running to get some hot water.

Kate started to place the uneaten chicken legs into a plastic container whilst I squirted some Fairy Liquid into the washing up bowl. The bubbles started to froth and multiply.

Using a spatula Kate scraped some leftover dip back into its tub. There was still some dip left in the bowl and using her finger Kate wiped out a glob of the dip and reached over and stuck it on the tip of my nose. Stretching out my tongue I tried but failed to lick it off.

Kate laughed at my attempts "Here, see if you can reach this." She said as she leaned against me rubbing her apple-sized tits against my chest and deposited a couple more blobs of dip on my chin. Again I stretched my tongue but couldn't reach. Kate was now really giggling at my facial contortions.

"Hey, if you think it's so easy, you try," I said. I wiped my finger in the bowl and dotted both of her cheeks with dip. Kate tried hard to lick off the dip but failed miserably but it was the funny faces that she was making that set me off. I started to roar with laughter.

"Oh so you think that's funny do you?" She enquired.

Kate looked around her, surveying the uneaten food, and picked up a half finished bowl of Greek yoghurt. Holding the bowl in a threatening manner she walked towards me.

"Now, now Kate, you don't want to start something you can't finish," I said through my laughter.

"Start something?" she smiled, "You don't know the meaning of start something!" and stretched up and proceeded to pour the yoghurt over my head. To make it worse she used her hand to swirl it into my hair.

I was speechless. I couldn't believe she had done that. But she just stood there grinning. My head felt cold and sticky and the yoghurt started to slide down the side of my face.

"You cow," I said still laughing.

"So you want to play do you?" I asked.

Kate nodded.

I went over to the worktop and picked up a frosted glass bowl that contained about a fifth of a trifle and advanced on Kate. She didn't move. Using my hand I scooped out the trifle and smeared it gently across her face.

"Mmmm, nice," she said licking her lips and swallowing some of the trifle. She then turned around and picked up a jug that contained some custard. Pulling my shorts and underpants out, Kate proceeded to pour the viscous yellow liquid so that it coated my now hardening cock. Pulling her fingers out of the waistbands she let my clothes snap shut with a painful twang then grabbed my cock through my shorts and made sure that my genitals were well and truly custard coated.

"Right you're for it now missy," I said.

I was a mess. My bollocks and stiff prick were congealed in cold gloopy custard that I have to admit made me feel very horny and now rivers of the yoghurt on my head had started to creep deliciously down my neck. My hardening cock started to tent my shorts.

This is war I thought. Grabbing a plastic jug of orange juice I poured it over the front of Kate's light blue T-shirt. Not only did it stain the shirt it meant that the pattern of Kate's bra could be seen through the material. He nipples now started to pop out as a puddle formed around her feet.

Kate, still smiling like a Cheshire cat, picked up a bowl containing the remains of some mushroom pate, lifted my shirt and smeared it on my chest mixing it in with my chest hairs.

As she started to turn to pick up something else I grabbed some cottage cheese and pulled the back of her grey sweats and white panties down her legs and slammed gently it into her shaved cunt, rubbing the crumbly moist cheese all around her arse and groin. Bits of cheese flew off in every direction.

Kate groaned as I pulled up her panties and sweats and then rubbed the gloopy cheese into her nether regions even more. I even pushed some of the cheese right into her slick, juiced up cunt.

"Ah, that feels sooo good John," She moaned.

I turned Kate round and picked up a tin of aerosol cream. Lifting her soaked T-shirt and pulling down the damp cups of her sexy, flimsy, lacy bra, I shook the tin and proceeded to spray cream over her distended nipples.

"Oooh, that's so cold," she gasped. Kate's nipples stood out like erasers on the end of pencils.

There was a container of water on the draining board that Kate picked up and splashed over me. Now my T-shirt was soaking and my nipples were hard too.

My dear Katie dropped to her knees and grabbed at the front of my shorts and pants and dragged them down to my ankles and over my feet. My cock covered in custard stood out like a flagpole, my vermillion cockhead stretched past my foreskin, my balls also coated like some obscene dessert hung freely as Kate leant forward and took my hard length in her sweet mouth.

"Mmmm, I've always loved trifle," she grinned as she started to lick off the custard and try to suck the cum out of my cock. I just stood and looked down at my dirty (in more ways than one) beautiful, slutty, petite wife gobble on my stiff prick. Using her tongue she cleaned my cock of custard then began to tease me by sticking the tip into my frenulum, that little triangle of pleasure under my cockhead.

"Oh fucking hell suck my cock you dirty girl," I cried.

Kate continued to suck my penis like a well-trained hooker. Deep-throating me I could feel my jism bubbling in my balls and start to rise up my cock like the mercury in a thermometer. I couldn't hold back and I spurted gouts of creamy come into Kate's hungry mouth, which she swallowed with relish. She licked and then smacked her lips with the satisfied look of a cat that had definitely got the cream.

Panting hard I knew that I had to and wanted to return the favour. Pushing Kate to the very messy floor I pulled her sweat pants and cottage cheese coated panties halfway down her thighs and was presented with an extremely cheese specked wet hairless cunt begging for attention.

Dipping my head I slurped at Kate's wet pudenda extracting a cat-like mewl.

"Oh please John, tongue my fucking juicy cunt. I'm sooo fucking horny," she sighed.

Always happy to oblige, I licked up and down Kate's now distended pussy lips occasionally tugging on them gently with my teeth extracting a guttural moan from her as I did so. Using the tip of my tongue I danced it over Kate's clitoris, a stream of her sweet pussy juice sprayed from her, the first time I had ever witnessed this, not only from Kate but also from any woman.

Kate screamed, "Oh fucking, fucking, fucking hell I'm com...nng."

Spurred on I continued my ministrations and Kate's hips jerked as she orgasmed again and again. Looking up at the worktop I saw a cream chocolate éclair. I reached up for it but continued to tongue fuck Kate's slick, greasy pussy until she came again then I rammed the éclair right into her cunt. As it partly entered, partly collapsed into her pussy Kate screamed out with pleasure as another orgasm wracked her body.

Gasping for air Kate shouted, "You filthy fucking dirty bastard, my cunt is a fucking mess."

Kate's dirty talk spurred me on as I dipped my head down and started to lick out the crumbly choux pastry that was now soaked with Kate's cunt cream along with fresh dairy cream and chocolate sauce.

Kate's lower stomach, thighs and especially her cunt were covered in a congealed mess. I stuck first one, then two and finally three fingers into the sticky mess that was her pussy. There was so much gunk that you couldn't even see her pretty pink labia. Using my little finger I pierced her anus and began to saw my hand in and out of her orifices.

Kate reached out for my cock that had now started to fill with blood and harden again and began expertly wanking me off. Once I was totally hard again I extracted my digits from her holes and rolled her onto her hands and knees. Positioning myself behind her I slammed my rock hard cock into Kate's wet, messy, sticky cunt.

"Fuck me John and fuck me hard," Kate ordered in a low strained voice and not one to disappoint I did just that. Looking down at Kate, she looked just so filthy and sluttish, the complete opposite to how she looks normally. Her once pristine white panties rested whore-like half way down her thighs, her and my body ground together in a mixture of slime and goo as I rammed my prick in and out of her slick cunt.

Wishing to add a final flourish to this filthy fuck I gazed over to the worktop and spied two things that would be my piece de resistance. Picking up a salami, well half of one, I spat on Kate's anus, worked one then two fingers in to loosen up her not-virgin ring then carefully pushed the sausage in. Kate groaned as her arsehole became deliciously filled by the nobbly intrusion.

"Nnnng," was her only sound as I continued to slide my now very sensitive cock in and out of Kate's greasy pussy. Picking up a squeezy bottle of strawberry sauce I began to draw sticky red spirals on her back.

First pulling the salami out of Kate's tight anus with a pop I leant forward I allowing my chest to come into contact with the strawberry sauce and proceeded to make a strawberry jam sandwich out of our bodies. Although I was becoming tired I increased the speed of my thrusts, my cock rubbing against Kate's clit.

"Ahhhh, Joh...I'm comm...," Kate's voice trailed off as an orgasm smashed through her body like a runaway train. The muscles in her pussy clenched and contracted around my knob and milked me until I spurted rope after rope after rope of creamy semen deep into Kate's well used and abused cunt.

We both collapsed into an obscene, sweaty, spunky, gloopy, heaving pile of flesh.

Leaning back against the kitchen units facing each other, it took a full ten minutes before either of us was able to speak. We just stared and grinned at each other whilst our chests heaved and gasped air into our lungs. My tired cock rested on my thigh and Kate sat with her T-shirt and bra pushed over her mucky 28B breasts and her even more mucky legs were spread apart giving me an excellent of her well-fucked cunt. Amazingly my cock started to stir a little as I watched a dribble of my sticky cum trickle out of Kate's bald battered pussy.

Later.

We decided to clean up the kitchen as best we could (amazingly we did a pretty good job) before heading off to the shower. We must have stood under the shower for at least half an hour washing and scrubbing the various foodstuffs from our various orifices. I still don't understand to this day how Kate managed to get a bit of lettuce in her pussy but there it was.

By the way, strawberry sauce is a particular bugger to get out of your hair but eventually we were both squeaky clean and after drying off we tumbled into bed.

Lying there naked with Kate spooned in behind me, her tits pressed against my back, she started to twirl the hair behind my ears. "Johnnnn?" she said in a schoolgirl-like voice, "Can we have a bar-be-que next Sunday?"