I couldn't believe Susan had agreed to date me. Sure, I was going pretty great. Nice house, decent savings, and I'd recently been promoted to a cushy job with a six figure salary at the letting agency. But I'd always been a little shy and intimidated by women. Susan seemed to have sensed that, because she was the one who invited me out on our first date, where I may have had a little more wine than I should have!
I couldn't believe what I ended up telling her. About Don, the boy who'd mercilessly bullied me all through high school. About how I'd inherited my lovely house from my parents and was proud of how I'd done it up to honour their legacy. How my new position at the company wasn't actually that stressful or tough, but was handsomely financially rewarded.
"Oh wowwwww," said Susan, pouring me more wine. "Well here's to the patriarchy, huh?"
I laughed nervously "I didn't mean like that! I definitely consider myself a feminist."
I don't know why she laughed so hard at that. I'd drank so much at that point that I shyly asked if I could kiss her. She smiled with those beautiful lips and told me not to worry, there was lots of kissing in my future.
A week later I was getting dressed up for our second date when I got a video call. I turned on my computer and jumped when I saw it was Susan, along with another girl. They were both completely naked, the other girl sat in Susan's lap.
"Henry, meet Tamara. Well don't be rude, say hi!"
"H-hello?"
Tamara giggled and I felt myself blush. "Oh he's gonna be perfect."
Susan shhhed Tamara but was wearing a smug smirk too. "Henry, you've booked a lovely restaurant for us tonight haven't you? Very expensive and exclusive. And a private booth too!"
"Uh huh," I said, zombie-like, trying and failing not to stare at Tamara's gorgeous breasts, that were covered by nothing but a small key she wore on a chain around her neck.
Tamara laughed and gently covered her breasts with Susan's hands. "Is that better, Piggy?"
They both burst out laughing as I blushed and squirmed.
"So we have a proposal for you," said Susan. "You and I can go on a date tonight. Who knows? Maybe you'll even get lucky? I like your chances."
"How exciting!" said Tamara, her boobs jiggling as she bounced up and down on Susan's lap. I was seconds away from climaxing in my boxers.
"But Tamara here has suggested that she and I go on the lovely date tonight instead. And you can stay home and go on a date with your toilet."
"W-what?"
Tamara rolled her eyes and stuck her middle finger up at me. "Piggies are soooo hard of hearing these days. We're offering you an all-expenses paid toilet date, piggy! As in, you get to date the toilet AND pay for our date. Yay!"
"I... why would I possibly..."
"I know right?" laughed Susan. "What freak would pick the latter? But I told Tamara about you and showed her your photo and she was convinced you were a piggy who loves to date toilets."
"I'm just looking out for you, Susie," said Tamara, giving Susan a big hug and kissing her on the cheek. I covered my hands with my crotch.
"I know cutie. So Henry! Go ahead and look Tamara in the eye and tell her your choice, and then I'll go get dressed all slutty for a lovely date with you. Easy!"
I looked into Tamara's eyes. She was so cute and adorable and now she was pouting at me. I felt my heart melt. I couldn't imagine letting this princess down.
"You two should go on the date," I said before I could stop myself.
Susan laughed harshly. "Are you fucking kidding me?"
"Annnnnd," said Tamara encouragingly. I blushed and felt encouraged to say the madness that I said next.
"And I should go on a date with my toilet."
They both burst out laughing and clapped their hands. Susan was shaking her head.
"I'm gonna go get ready for our date," said Susan, getting up and patting Tamara on the head. "Take this loser through it, will you?"
"My pleasure! Ok piggy, first rule - you answer to Piggy now. Got it?"
"Yes Tamara!"
"Yes Tamara what..."
I began to sweat. What had I done wrong? The thought of letting Tamara down made me want to cry. My bottom lip started quivering and even my bladder felt like it was about to betray me.
"Yes Tamara what piggy?"
Oh! "Yes Tamara! Oink oink!"
I couldn't believe how natural snorting had felt. This was so embarrassing. I just wanted to curl up and hide somewhere. But I also wanted to look at Tamara and bow to her every wish forever.
"Good piggy! Every sentence that comes out of your stupid piggy mouth will end that way from now on."
"Yes Tamara! Oink oink!"
"That's Queen Tamara you stupid piggy. Go ahead and punch yourself in the balls five times for being such a bad piglet."
Before I could even think I'd punched myself as hard as I could. I cried out and doubled over in pain.
"Four more piggy! You won't be using that silly clitty of yours now anyway so keep going."
I punched myself over and over. The pain was agonising, and Tamara decided to give me another ten, just for fun. I was in tears by the time I finished, and so sore I couldn't believe it.
There was a knock at the door
"Ok, piggy. Put an earphone in so you can hear me as you answer the door."
I did as I was told.
"Answer it piggy! Chop chop!"
I jumped and ran to the door. A middle-aged delivery driver handed me a large box and said it needed to be signed and paid for. I balked at the price - what the hell was it that was worth Β£2000? - but Tamara's giggling and encouragement soon had me getting my card out and paying in full.
"Hey, do you mind if I use your bathroom quickly?" He asked.
"S-sure," I said.
While he was in there, Tamara said. "Tell him not to flush!"
"W-what?"
"Did I stutter piggy? And why aren't you oinking?"