The TV was on, but Jamie wasn't really watching, she didn't even know what channel it was on. Alone on the couch, her mind raced thinking about what was going on with her. Why in the world had she had a mental lapse during Tim's foot massage (especially since he gave such great foot massages with those huge, powerful hands) and try to smash his face with her foot. That foot was on his face since she knew he would like it, not to smash him. Why could she not get past the session with Ray. Did she really feel like Tim did and yearn to give up control and be owned? Did she really want to be Ray's bitch?
Unlike previous nights fighting through those thoughts, one thought kept coming back over and over: why did Ray say, "Call me when you are ready."? What did that mean? She hadn't given it much thought due to all the other disturbing thoughts that she couldn't push out of her head. However, after tonight, she began to wonder if seeing Ray again was the only way to get him out of her head and get past him crushing her physically with his arms and legs, crushing her mentally with his words, then crushing her spirit with his feet.
The next day was long for Jamie. She didn't sleep much that night and spent quite a bit a time lying awake thinking about trying to smash Tim's face with her foot. Why did she do that? Did the session with Ray really affect her that much? Tim didn't even do anything to provoke her in any way, the last words she remembered him saying were things like "taking control of me" or "owning me" or "making me your bitch". Did it take so little to send her to a place where Ray filled her head again and she ended up trying to smash poor Tim's face with her foot?
Work was not easy on Monday either. It had been two days since the session with Tim, and while she was normally very good with spreadsheets, she found focus elusive. Instead of just dealing with the feelings and emotions from last week's destruction by Ray, which she still wasn't able to process, she now had to deal with seeing that look on Tim's face just before she eased up with her foot. Then came Tim's questions that she had no answers for, then the lie she pulled out of left field to try, somehow, to justify why she did what she did.
Tim seemed to buy her story, even though it was 95% BS, and somehow that made it worse, if it could be worse. What if he asked about it later? Surely he wouldn't, he was a gentleman, and a gentleman would not bring up a sore point in a lady's past. It also bothered her a bit that the lie came so easy, so quickly, and in such detail.
'I've never lied like that before to anyone.' she thought. She didn't know what to think about that either.
Lunch time was close and one of the partners at her accounting firm came by her office and said the partners had splurged for pizza and lunch would be in 20 minutes.
"Really?" Jamie said. "What's the occasion, if you don't mind my asking."
Her name was Beth, the youngest partner who was promoted to that level just before Jamie was hired.
"We used to do this periodically before COVID to keep morale high! We haven't done one since I've been partner, so I wanted to make sure it was a tradition that didn't die!" she said excitedly.
"Cool." Jamie said as she feigned her own excitement.
"Yeah! I hope everyone comes down. It was kinda my idea even though people have been talking about bringing it back for a while now, so I'm giving everyone a heads up. It will be Lou's Pizza, that place on Parlor Street."
"Ok, I'll be there." Jamie said.
"Great!" Beth said. "Downstairs conference room at 10 after noon!" She left, heading to the next office to spread the word.
"Well damn...." Jamie said quietly to herself, now alone in her office. "Why today of all days Beth? COVID restriction have been over for months, why couldn't you bring it back before I met Ray or tried to kill Tim." she continued under her breath, all of a sudden praying no one walking by her open door had heard.
'Damn!' she thought as she got up and went to the door to see who may be around. The hallway was empty, no one had heard anything.
More disturbingly, why had she related the situation back to Ray?
'Did I just think "why couldn't this be before Ray."' she thought silently. 'What is that about?' she continued to think to herself. 'Is that how I view time now: before Ray and after Ray?'
Now what? She didn't want to go to the pizza party.
'An adult pizza party? What the F' Beth?' she thought cynically. 'Why today? I just wanted to work the day, eat my lunch with whomever shows up, and go home.'
'But when a partner, one of the big wigs, asks for something you don't say no.' she continued to think.
This turn of events, a pizza party, only made things worse. She didn't want to go and be social or fun, but she had to. She was upset that she viewed it so cynically, she never did that. To top it off, somehow it made her think of Ray.
'That's not good Jamie,' she said inside, 'that's not good at all.'
She worked up the nerve to go to the pizza party and actually made the most of it. It lasted an hour, and she was able to clear her head a bit and chat with some work friends. Near the end they made plans for margaritas and dinner later that night. Jamie thought that would help take her mind off things.
She left work about 15 minutes early, went home and changed for a quick workout. She went to the gym and put in 30 minutes on an elliptical then went home for a shower before dinner and drinks at 6:30. The gym was close and the restaurant closer, so she was able to do everything and still have time to get ready.
The evening was fun, she may have had one to many margaritas, but she was five minutes from home down a few side streets.
She got home around 9:30, showered again, watched some TV to give her hair time to dry, and poured a glass of red wine. She was a little drunk, she probably didn't need the wine, but the drive home reminded her of the drive home after the session with Ray. Being a little drunk made her mind race more than normal, and she wasn't able to stop the random and twisted thoughts from the session from pouring in:
'Why did he say call him when I'm ready?'
'Do I want to call him? Maybe an email? He does owe me at least 800 bucks for that, right? It's just an email?'
'Did I really like all of it? Maybe just some of it..... '
'Wait, I didn't like it at all! I didn't, did I? Maybe I did. I didn't. Then why can't I get him out of my head?'
'Why didn't I fight his final victory pose? I didn't have to fight back, maybe just insist he put his foot between my boobs like each time before? That's fair, right? Foot on boobs? Not his toes smashing my nose?'
'It was his victory pose, he could do what he wanted. Right? Wait, it was my session too, wasn't it? Wasn't I in control the whole time?'
'Did he have to smash my nose with his toes? Was that necessary? Did I like that? I didn't move, did I?'
'Why did I give him a thumbs up while he held my nose and face in his toe clutches?'
"His toe clutches? What the hell are his toe clutches?" she suddenly said out loud, breaking the string of silent thoughts for the moment.
She looked around, thankful she was alone in her condo.
"Get it together Jamie!" she sternly told herself out loud, alone in the dark in front of the TV. Just like previous nights she didn't even know what was on in front of her. She got up to get herself another glass of red wine, pouring it all the way to the top.