So, our routines continued. Jess and I were fitting in well socially and in our respective careers, and I was still sessioning regularly with Brit while trying harder and harder to hide the extra $200-$250 per month I was giving to her.
However, I started noticing Jess acting funny from time to time. Sometimes I would come home after work and she would be a bit withdrawn: this was not like her. She was always so loving to me, and I had no question she was in love with me. But, every few weeks, there would be a night or two when she was just..... off.
In case you were wondering, no, this had nothing to do with mother nature's monthly effect on women. That was my first thought, my Jess had never shown the stereotypical and pop culture things that women talk about while on their periods. Outside of not getting laid for a few days, I would never know if she was on her period or not.
No. This was something else. I could not place it, but something seemed up and it was always after she had been away from me for a period of time. She never developed this moodiness during the day when we were together all day: it was always when she came home from somewhere and only happened every few weeks.
I also noticed she started getting weird around the neighbors. It was nothing, really, just a few weird looks that only I would notice. I have loved her for a long time and she is my best friend, so I noticed. It happened first around a group of us, so it was hard to tell what brought it on.
Then it happened around Brit when we saw her one day as we were walking Banjo. This made me terrified that she had found out about our weird session routine, but she never let on that she knew and I told myself that Brit and I had been careful. I told myself there was no way Jess could have found out.
Also, Jess would have said something if she suspected something. She would have teased me about it first to see how I would respond: that was her innocent way to broach an uncomfortable subject. She never did. Either way, I went an extra couple of weeks before emailing Brit again, just to be safe.
This went on for a few more weeks and I was getting more and more worried about what could be going on. Was she cheating on me and feeling guilty afterwards?
No.
No way.
Not me, not Jess, never.
Isn't that what every man tells himself: It can't happen to me: she loves me too much? Was I deluding myself?
If she was cheating on me, what can I say? I'm spending $200+ dollars to kinda cheat on her. My sessions with Brit weren't about sex, but it wasn't not about sex either. Nudity or not, and there never was, there was a sexual aspect to it. Even if there wasn't, it something I was doing with a nearly naked woman and hiding from Jess. That made it some kind of cheating. Right?
I tried hard to put it out of my head when Jess and I were together. I tried to be even more engaging. I tried to be a better listener. I tried to do more around the house. I tried to be a better husband due to her monthly weirdness even though I was scared to death she was the one cheating on me!
One day Jess came home late from a shift at the hospital, which by itself was not unusual. However, she walked in looking a little flush and red faced, almost as if she were blushing or had just worked out. I immediately went to a pretty scary headspace wondering if she stopped to hook up with some asshole douchebag on her way home. I tried hard, but failed, to push those thoughts aside. I asked her if she was ok, and she said it was a long, exhausting, stressful day and went to take a shower. I left it alone, and it made for a long night for me.
That night I laid in bed after she insisted she was ok and I couldn't sleep. I had one thought that I could not shake from my restless mind:
'What a weird world we live in: I kinda cheat on her for months on end and I don't feel bad or one iota of remorse. I then get scared to death that she is legit cheating on me by screwing some asshole douchbag and it makes me try HARD to be a better husband? WTF Kyle?'
It came to a head one day when we were around some neighbors again, and it couldn't have come at a worse time. It was a Tuesday around 6:30pm: we were walking the dog and wandered up to some folks chatting and sharing some drinks in someone's garage. Brit was there, along with three other couples. We stopped and chatted for about 25 minutes, had one drink, and kept walking. After that Jess was a bit weird and withdrawn: this was the first time I had seen this in real time. I was instantly scared shitless she was fucking one of the men at the gathering.
Scared. Shitless.
I was scheduled to session with Brit on Thursday, so I felt I didn't have any moral high ground at the time to mention anything. However, I steeled myself at the idea. I swore to myself I was going to say something on the weekend. I lost sleep that night and the next night. I laid awake imagining how the conversation would go and what I would say. Those were two miserable nights.
I perked up and put it out of my head when Thursday night came around. Jess was bartending that night, so I was home free until at least 10:30 or 11. I snuck through the access road to Brit's and let myself in like I usually do.
It went like it normally did: she wore a green string bikini with yellow strings tying at her hips and behind her back and neck. She destroyed me and talked quite a bit more shit than normal, but that wasn't unusual. She made me beg and say humiliating things more than normal, and she kept making me say them louder and louder. She was also talking louder. This was new, she had never been loud and had never forced me to be louder.
I loved it! I wasn't about to complain about her loudness or her forcing me to beg for mercy louder than normal. It was a bit odd, but she said she was in a good mood and feeling a bit naughty today. So, I didn't think anything about it. She is single, after all, there is no one home to hear and we are in the basement. Who is around to care?
After our session was over, she asked for a foot massage. I have never told her about my foot fetish, so I found this a bit odd. She sat on the monstrous couch, put her feet in front of her on the wrestling mat, and stared at me intently. I didn't move, so she snapped her fingers and pointed down to her feet.
I did it. I sat on the mat, at her feet, and massaged her feet as well as I had ever massaged Jess's feet. I also realized how big and perfect her feet were. Her long toes would curl playfully around my fingers as I massaged her feet. At one point she used my shoulder for a foot rest while I dutifully massaged her other foot. It wasn't for a long period of time, but I could feel the weight of her leg and foot press on my shoulder. As she took her foot off my shoulder she playfully tried to wrap her toes over my nose.
