I met Sammee, Samantha but Sammee to the world and to me, at a friend's wedding. Roger had done it up, the whole thing. Well, anyway Bonnie, his bride, had. He was in a cutaway jacket in a pale grey color while the rest of us were in tuxes of the same shade. The bride was in white (something she most certainly did NOT qualify for as every one of the males in the wedding party could attest) with the long train and everything. And to top it off, it was a Catholic wedding.
So after all the kneeling and sitting and standing and incomprehensible babble, at last, we got to throw rice, well, birdseed, at the happy couple and start drinking. Which I did with abandon. I told George, the other groomsman I knew, as we stood at the bar, beers in hand, "This, my friend, is what you call a target-rich environment."
He laughed and we exchanged high fives.
I was surveying the herd, and liking what I saw. So many girls, and so young. My taste had always run to young and skinny. I wasn't terribly concerned about being certain they were legal if you want to know the truth of it.
I was 24 at the time and considered 18 to be over the hill. Oh, what the hell, if we're being honest here, I didn't much care if they had a driver's license. And it was a target-rich environment.
I danced with a little number called Amber, so skinny I could span her waist with both hands. Then with Lois, one of those delightfully pear-shaped women with no tits, a tiny waist, and nicely flaring hips although to my practiced eye, they were still under 32 inches. Abby, who asked me to dance after giggling with Amber, was, I suspected, still working her way through puberty.
The band's frontman started up with a passable version of Elvis Presley's version of I Can't Help Falling in Love when she appeared in front of me.
"Come on handsome," she said, holding out her hand, "time to play with the adults."
She was precisely the opposite of my "type." She was beyond big. And she was obviously older than me. But she was a force of nature and I took the hand.
She pulled me to my feet and led me onto the dance floor. I dug into my memory and came up with her name. She was some elbow relation to Bonnie, an aunt I think.
And the thing was, she was beautiful. She had one of those round faces many fat girls do, with round cheeks, a couple of chins, and very pretty, very clear brown eyes. As we assumed the classic slow dance position, her right hand in mine, her left hand on my shoulder, my right hand on her hip, I noticed that across the roundness of her shoulder she had a tracery of stretch marks, the leftover from yo-yo dieting. She was clearly off her diet now though, with her skin taut. And her skin was absolutely flawless. It was like she had no pores. The phrase "alabaster" skin might have been written after someone had seen her.
"Oh good grief," she said, about 10 seconds into the dance, "if you're that afraid of a real woman, never mind."
She started to push me away and I guess, as much as anything, I couldn't resist the challenge. So I hung on, used my hand on her hip to close the distance between us, and said, "sorry." She smiled and I knew, on some level, I had lost the first round even though I wasn't sure what the game was.
"That's better," she said, giggling a little, and she released my hand and closed the distance, even more, her arm around my neck.
I liked it. I liked all of it. I liked the fact that I couldn't reach around her. I liked the feel of her big boobs against me. I REALLY liked the way she giggled and then breathed into my ear, her breath warm and moist, and said, "I think I'm going to take you home tonight."
My body surprised me by getting instantly hard.
And she felt it, obviously, the way she arched her back and pressed against me.
"Are you ready honey?" she asked.
"Ready?" I asked.
"Yes honey," she said, "ready for a real woman rather than those stick figures you've been chasing all night."
And the thing was, she had me interested. I didn't understand why, but I not only liked her, but I wanted her. I think it must have been her confidence, so different from the girls I usually chased.
When I hesitated, again I knew I had lost although I still wasn't at all sure what the game was.
The grin she had on her face was almost feral. "Come on sweetcakes," she said, taking my hand, "let's say our goodbyes and head home. I'm gonna rock your world (yeah, she actually said "rock your world").
We found Roger and Bonnie. She kissed Roger fully and thoroughly on the mouth and turned to Bonnie. She hugged her, well, she engulfed her, and then said, loud enough for all to hear, "listen toots, you take care of my new favorite nephew-in-law or I'll be back and take him home with me."
Bonnie giggled, hugged her back, and said, "go on you old cougar, looks like you bagged one."
Sammee let out her big booming laugh and called me over, put an arm around me, and said, "and a pretty one at that."
So I hugged Roger, told him how lucky he was, hugged Bonnie, told her how lucky she was, and headed off to my new life.
I saw George and waved, grinning at the weird little look he flashed me, but she had my hand and I couldn't stop.
"So you have a car here?" she asked as we cleared the front door of the hall.
"Nope," I said, we carpooled.
"Well," she said, "I do, come on."
I was surprised not at all when her car was a full-size GMC Yukon. It had oversize tires on chrome wheels, full blackout window tinting, and a vanity plate reading 2MCH4U. Inside the stock radio had been replaced with a sophisticated infotainment center. I wasn't at all surprised when she turned it on and she had an "All 50s and 60s" playlist queued up. It started with Buddy Holly doing Peggy Sue and she sang along in a nice soprano voice, not missing a word or a beat.
We headed out of town, west toward the mountains, and then turned off on a road I didn't know. I'm pretty familiar with Denver but this was a new area for me. The houses were big, on big lots, with established trees and landscaping. If not "upper class," this was certainly an upper-middle-class neighborhood.
Evidently, she had been watching me peripherally as I looked around. She was driving as I would have expected her to, fast and competently, handing the big vehicle expertly while singing along with the radio.
"Like it?" she asked.
"Very nice," I said.
"The divorce settlement was very kind to the wronged woman," she said with a throaty chuckle.
When we pulled into the driveway I was kind of overwhelmed. It was a big ranch house and I had the stray thought - "at her size she doesn't want steps" - while taking it all in. She pushed the little button on her sun visor and the door to the four-car garage opened up.
"Wow," I said.
There was a Jeep looking fully equipped for off-road driving, a 1962 Chevy Impala with 409 badges, and a 1956 Chevrolet station wagon, not a Nomad but a four-door station wagon in Bel Air trim.
"A Chevy girl," I said, "so glad I didn't see a bunch of Fords."
She laughed, that hearty booming laugh, and said, "I like getting my hands dirty as much as anybody but Fix Or Repair Daily? Not for me honey."
We went in through a door that opened onto a laundry room, serving as an airlock with a second door opening onto the kitchen. As she was moving through the kitchen like a big cloud she called over her shoulder, "grab us a couple of beers and follow me."
I realized that she was giving orders pretty casually but also, on some level, I realized I liked it. It was so different from any previous encounter I had had with a woman. It was exciting.
She was sitting on a big couch when I entered the front room. I went to her, handed her one of the big Sapporo beer bottles, and started to sit next to her.
"Oh no," she said, pushing me away with amazing strength. "You go over there," and she pointed to a small rug in the middle of the hardwood floor.