"What do you mean you don't have the rent? You know it's due on the 1st of each month," Maggie said.
"I don't have it this month. I'll pay you double next month," I said, "Besides, you're looking really fine today Mags."
"Buuuuullshit! I let you off last month when you paid ten days late. Your sweet talking won't work this time, Ben," she responded.
We were standing in Maggie's living room. Maggie owned this split level, mine next door, and two more down the street. I had every intention of paying the rent - on time! - but an unexpected vacation day to day drink got me fire.
"And don't call me Mags you good for nothing sack," she said. "You got fired because you were hollering on the deck with John and Frank. They won't ever amount to much and neither will you. Why shouldn't I kick you out?"
Maggie was both my landlord and my one time drunken one night stand. Maggie has been angry with me ever since. Maggie had long blond hair, a giant rack, and I forget what else. I really only stared at her rack.
"Because I'm handsome and charming?" I replied with my best smile and raised eyebrows.
"No, Ben. You're not. I want you out by next week," Maggie said as she pointed to the door.
I looked around her living room in hope of a solution. A couch and love sofa faced the television. Tasteful earth colors coordinated with the navy blue on the wall. A sliding glass door looking out onto the park brought natural light in. I couldn't find any inspiration. If charm wouldn't work, maybe begging and remorse would.
"C'mon Megs. Don't do this. Isn't there anything I can do?" I asked. Maggie's green eyes bore into me.
Maggie looked at me lasciviously for a second. She arched her back. Maggie's rack stood out. I stared. She caught me staring. Maggie looked at me hard.
"I'm out of milk. If you're not able to pay the rent, at least get me some milk," she said.
I breathed a sigh of relief and got my keys out of my pocket. "What type of milk? 2%, skim? Chocolate? Bitches like chocolate I hear."
"No. Take your clothes off," she said. She smoothed her shoulder length dirty blond hair.
"My clothes off?" I said. I had on a Browns t-shirt and a pair of athletic shorts - the uniform of 20-somethings ne'er do wells.
"Yes. Take them off. Or do you want me to evict you?" Maggie said.
"Sure Mags. Whatever you want." I pulled the t-shirt off and tossed it on her couch. My body wasn't that bad, but I still felt distinctly unsexy. I slid out of the crocs and took off my athletic shorts and groaned. I forgot that I was wearing tighties today.
"Really Ben? Tighty Whities? Did your mom do your laundry?" Maggie said. "Jesus, how embarrassing. First the rent, now tighties. Please take them off."
I turned beet red and felt cheeks run flush. I took off the offending underwear awkwardly. First one leg and then the other. I nearly tripped. My dick was shriveled from the cold and embarrassment.