Author's note: This is a work of fiction. All characters are fictitious and over the age of eighteen. Any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely coincidental.
* * * *
An attractive, plus-sized, African-American woman walks onto the stage. The clacking of her high heeled pumps is drowned out by the applause rising from the audience. She flashes her trademark million dollar smile and waves at the audience with one hand while she reaches behind her back to switch on her microphone. She taps the lapel of her off-white jacket and glances at the director standing off-stage. She waits for her cue, waves to the audience once again, and then looks into the television camera.
"Good morning friends, I'm your host, Opal Winfield. We are coming to you today live from sunny Miami, Florida. Hellooo Miami!"
The audience rises to its feet amid cheers and roaring applause.
"My first guest is the author of a new book that is currently rocketing up the New York Times Bestsellers list. The title is provocative and the subject matter is controversial. Today's discussion will contain colorful language, to say the least. My producers and I went back and forth for hours debating whether we should or even could do this show. In the end, we decided that the subject matter is too important to ignore, even though some viewers may find the language offensive. For that reason we have brought in an extra censor to work a back up dump button. Those of you watching at home are likely to hear repeated bursts of silence, but those of you in the studio audience will experience the full, unfiltered discussion. I apologize to both groups of viewers for any discomfort.
"In an age of remarkable change, this nation has made stunning progress addressing issues pertaining to discrimination, prejudice, and opportunity. That progress has not been evenly distributed, however, as persons within the affected groups can attest. One group which feels that its concerns are not being sufficiently addressed is the size acceptance movement. Heavy people–and I'm one of them–find that they are still denied employment, charged higher premiums for health insurance, and are made the butt of jokes based solely upon their weight.
"Against this backdrop, author Paul McKinnon has written a controversial book which has inflamed both sides of the size acceptance debate. Ladies and gentleman, put your hands together for my first guest, author Paul McKinnon!"
Amid scattered applause mixed with boos, a mid-thirties gentleman in a charcoal grey suit walks across the stage. He waves to the crowd and then embraces the host.
"Paul, welcome to the show."
"Thank you, Opal, I'm happy to be here. Hello, Miami, and hello, America."
The audience applauds as Opal and Paul take their seats at the center of the stage.
"Paul, let's jump right into this. The title–'How to Fuck a Fat Girl'–what in hell were you thinking?"
"Opal, I had three goals when I wrote this book. The first was to express my undying love for fat women all over the world. The second..."
"Paul, let me stop you right there. Your 'love for fat women all over the world'? Don't you realize that your terminology is insulting to the women whom you profess to love?"
"I'm glad you asked that question, Opal. It ties in directly with my second goal. I wanted my book to empower fat women. I want fat women to recognize their beauty and express it proudly by taking back the word 'fat'. Homosexuals have done this by reclaiming the word 'queer.' African Americans do this when they call each other 'Nigga.' The way..."
"Hold on a minute, Paul. Now you've crossed over into a whole different show, and that's not a dialogue I we're going to have today. Frankly, I don't think you will be on the panel when I do that show–its not your area of expertise. Why don't you go ahead and finish explaining yourself without implicating the African American experience in your discussion?"
"Alright then, Opal. Let me put it another way. Every victimized group in this country has suffered verbal abuse by bigoted individuals who have nothing better to do than to inflict pain on others. In recent years, however, it has become unfashionable to make fun of some groups. No one makes racial jokes in public, anymore...."
"Paul. What did I just tell you?"
"Let me finish, Opal. Very few people make homosexual jokes anymore, either."
"I'm not so sure about that, but go on."
"Thank you, Opal. My point is, it's still okay to make fat jokes. Why is that? Because 'fat' is still a funny word. But if we turn that around and teach people to appreciate the beauty and sexuality of fat women, the word will lose its sting."
"You think so, Paul?"
"Yes, I do."
"Then what about 'blonde.'"
"I beg your pardon?"
"Have you heard any blonde jokes lately, Paul? I can tell you that blonde is the beauty standard throughout this country, yet a week doesn't go by that I don't hear a new blonde joke. Millions of women dye their hair blonde every day. Are you telling me that your book will cause women all over the United States to start binge eating so they can become fat?"
"I don't follow you. You're twisting my words."
"No–not at all. I'm just punching holes in your logic. I know you've heard some of these objections already. Let's move along. Tell us about your third reason for writing the book."
"I want to make it possible for the men who love fat women to come out of the shadows and embrace them publicly. I wanted chubby chasers, fatty fuckers, piggy pokers–all of these are terms used to denigrate those of us who love these women–I want all men to feel proud about the women they love and stop feeling ashamed to be seen with them."
"Uh huh. Well Paul, even if your motives are pure–and I'm not yet ready to say that they are–but your methods are questionable, at best."
"I've sparked a discussion, Opal. People are buying my book and embracing my message."
"Let's talk about that message, shall we? Your first chapter is titled 'Fat Women are Beautiful.' Is that supposed to be a groundbreaking revelation?"
"Opal, if you've read my book–"
"Oh, I've read it, alright. I've read it–cover to cover, in fact."
"OK. Good. Then you will note that it is comprised of three sections. The first part is about empowerment–that is, making fat women feel better about themselves and making men feel better about loving them. The second part is a guide for men that teaches them how to approach fat women and initiate relationships with them. The third part details techniques for satisfying them sexually."
"Yes. Let's deal with the first section. What you're saying, Paul, is that larger women should look in the mirror every day and say to themselves 'I am beautiful,' and this will somehow inspire enough confidence to break down the prejudice against them?"
"Opal, confidence is empowering. You know that, already. It's like body armor. And it is contagious."
"I see. Paul, where did you get your education?"
"University of Phoenix."
"On line?"
"Yes."
"In what field?"
"Marketing."
"Did you graduate? Receive a degree?"
"I'm short a few credits. When I finish this book tour, I'll take the last two classes I need to earn my bachelor's."
"I see. Go on."
"Where was I? Oh yes–empowerment. When fat women get over their body image issues and start to feel better about themselves, they will become more confident. An important step toward developing a better self-image is dressing better. Stop shopping at Walmart and spend more time in Macy's and Bloomingdale's."
"What I'm hearing is, if plus-sized women just spent more of their hard-earned money on clothes, the world would stop teasing them."
"Exactly. No–it's not that simple. You're twisting my words again."
"Tell me where I'm wrong, Paul."
"What I said, is, fat women need to become comfortable with their fatness. They should love the way they look. Primitive cultures adored and worshiped the earth mother physique. Modern culture can do the same. Embrace it, ladies. Be bold. Stop hiding your curves beneath tents and mumuus and show the world your beautiful figures.
"Let me put it another way. What's more interesting, a monotonous drive down a long straight highway in the middle of the flatlands, or an exhilarating ride over twisty, hilly, mountainous terrain? One is dangerous and requires your full attention. The other is sleep-inducing."
The audience breaks out into applause.
Paul leaps out of his chair sporting an enormous grin, spreads his arms wide, and gestures to the audience.
