Chapter 1 - Going to Prison
I looked at my calendar to see that I had a doctor's appointment today. It was with some new doctor in the city. My wife, Linda, set it up for me a month ago under the pretense of a 'joint health checkup'. It turned out that this Dr. Fleming was a well-known female sex therapist who had a great reputation for helping couples improve their sex lives. While initially skeptical, I kept an open mind after reading glowing reviews from her patients, both women and men. During the first visit, she documented general information on our relationship and sex history. Dr. Fleming eventually won me over with her knowledge and trustworthiness, and managed to get me to share my interest in kinky fetishes including my secret desire for submission to women. Even as I revealed some things, I also kept others to myself. Linda encouraged me to share more openly. It felt like a safe environment, so I proceeded to go deeper, explaining my desire for getting spanked, which led to some follow up questions around the history and nature of it all. Then little by little, the doctor gently led me to reveal my other, more shameful and taboo desires as well, including my most intense and humiliating fetish of being turned into a sissy and ridiculed by my wife. Dr. Fleming was very professional, and did not judge us in any way.
The second visit involved some blood work and physical testing for me to measure if I had any medical issues. Happily, the reports came back negative, confirming that I was sexually healthy for my age. Linda and I were both relieved to know that I was functioning well. In the detailed reports, at the bottom of one page, there were two numbers noted under the acronyms LP and GP. It read LP 8 and GP 9. I asked Dr. Fleming for clarification on what those meant. She explained that LP stood for length of penis, and GP stood for girth or penis. When I asked for further clarification on the numbers, she hesitated, then explained to me in a softer voice that the numbers represented percentiles. My face turned red as I understood the implications. Fortunately, it looked like Linda did not hear it, and I quickly changed the subject. The doctor moved on to explain the rest of the report.
On the way home from that visit, things were mostly quiet. Then Linda asked me, "About those LP and GP numbers, what does it mean exactly? I didn't quite catch what Dr. Fleming said."
I stammered at first, but then answered half the question, "Oh, it's just a relative measurement of penis length and width, when erect." That much was true.
"And the 8 and 9? Is that centimeters?" she asked.
"No, it means my length and width are 8 out of 10, and 9 out of 10, not the very top end of the scale, but very good." I lied, to save face. She seemed satisfied, and we let the matter drop.
Then, on the 3rd visit, Dr. Fleming had us answer various questions to understand our desires, satisfaction, and barriers to achieving an ideal sex life. She met with us both individually and jointly. We ran out of time, and had a follow up 4th visit to continue the discussions.
After a month of these visits, the office scheduled a special, two-hour appointment to share Dr. Fleming's diagnosis and recommendations. I was a bit apprehensive, but figured we had to go through with it to get the benefits. "We may as well hear her out," I rationalized.
In the privacy of her office, the doctor walked us through the results to explain that I was suffering from three things that together were causing friction and dysfunction in our intimate life. The first diagnosis was that I suffered from a hyperactive sex drive and it was made worse by a habit of daily masturbation. At first, I thought this was not a bad thing necessarily. Then I was hopeful that the remedy would involve curtailing my masturbation while increasing sexual frequency. That would have been a great trade up in my mind. However, it did not turn out quite the way I imagined.
Dr. Fleming continued to explain the second diagnosis which was more critical of me. She was as kind and compassionate as was possible, but effectively said that I was being selfish about focusing only on my needs, that I was letting my male ego dominate our marital relationship, and that I had been setting up unrealistic expectations for far too long in our marriage.
I asked for the final diagnosis, figuring it could not get any worse. Dr. Fleming explained that although I was able to verbally admit my desires in a therapy session, I was still repressing myself and hence unable to accept my taboo desires more openly with Linda. She concluded, "You have certain deep-rooted, innate tendencies, but because of cultural conditioning and feelings of shame, you resist from accepting your true self, which makes it hard for Linda to engage fully and intimately with the real you. She's trying to reach out to you, but you're hiding."
After dropping all this on me, I felt woozy. I drank some water and walked around, taking some deep breaths. I went into a daze as she gave my wife a shorter and much milder assessment of needing to do self-care and make herself a priority in order to rekindle her own, latent sexual desires.
Next Dr. Fleming explained how we had great potential to achieve an epic relationship, that it was in our control, but it would take hard work to get there. She asked Linda, "Are you committed to doing what it will take?" She agreed. Then came the difficult part. The doctor asked me if I was also truly committed to making things right. I agreed, believing that I could make the changes myself by paying more attention, being more supportive, and channeling my expectations in healthier, more productive ways. I looked to Linda for confirmation, expecting her to reinforce her support. She did not look convinced, however.
Dr. Fleming leaned forward, looking at me. She asked Linda if she could have a private word with me. After Linda stepped out, Dr. Fleming explained that for my relationship with Linda to get better, I needed more help than I realized. She explained how my subconscious attitudinal and behavioral habits were so deeply ingrained that I would not be able to fix things on my own. Nor was it something that Linda could guide me through. I argued and dissented for a long time before she shared her analytically rigorous evidence which helped me come to terms that she was probably right. Upon reflection, I realized that I had a life history of trying or pretending to help myself, only to fail after a month or two, or sometimes even after a week or a few days. It was like being an alcoholic. I needed external help. She told me that this is not about the fees - she genuinely wanted to help us. Insurance was covering everything in any case, so it didn't matter to me.