Divorce is never easy. It had been over a year since it was final. My ex had moved far away. I lost a lot of friends as usually happens. I had a new place to live, was making new habits and patterns and spent a lot of time on myself. I had been going to a divorce support group for the whole time and was starting to feel like moving on from it. I had made some good friends, but no longer felt the need to talk about all the changes. I went to the weekly meeting and we had a new member. My heart sank a little. It was one of my former wife's best friends. Or former best friends anyway. There had been some sort of falling out between them. It's not that I didn't like her, but I always felt she was in my ex's camp. I didn't talk much this meeting. Alice, my ex's friend, talked about her marriage had been over but she was stuck moving forward. Apparently, she and her ex split up not long after I did. At the end I was going to leave without talking to her, but she intercepted me near the door.
"Hi. How have you been?" she asked.
"Ok. Good enough. You?"
"Good. I was surprised to see you. It's been a while."
"Yes. I didn't know you had split up," I replied.
"We had been having troubles for a while. Things just came to a head and it was better to move on."
I nodded and mentioned that I needed to go. It felt awkward talking to her. My marriage had been pretty good, I thought. But I had some sexual desires that my wife didn't share and that is what tanked the marriage. I thought we could have worked it out but my ex got angry and scared and blew everything up. I also knew that she talked a lot with her friends. And Alice probably knew things about me that I didn't want her to know.
I soon stopped going to meetings, but did go to social things with the group. I didn't avoid Alice, but I didn't seek her out much either. We were scheduled to have a group happy hour one night, but it was pouring rain. Hardly anyone showed up and I ended up alone at the bar with Alice.
"Do you avoid talking to me," Alice asked.
"Honestly, I do. It feels very awkward to me. You were her friend and I always assumed you were on her side."
Alice laughed.
"I'm not sure anyone was on her side after the divorce."
I looked at her quizzically.
"She really alienated most of her friends. I don't know what was going on with her, but most of us ended up drifting away."
"I didn't know that," I said.
"I didn't take her side. She vented to me a lot and complained, but I tried to be a voice of reason. She just didn't want that."
I gave her a long look. That was why I tried to avoid her. If my ex told her about the sexual things I brought up, then what did she think of me.
"And that's why it feels awkward," I replied.
Alice put one hand on my arm.
"Please don't feel awkward. I'd like to be friends."
I thought for a moment and shrugged and lifted my glass.
"Cheers," I said.
We talked and decided to have dinner. I had liked Alice's company when we did things as a couple. She was fun, fit and attractive. Good conversationalist. We started doing things together. Movies, hikes, farmer's markets. It might have looked like dating, but it felt just like a friendship. No flirting or innuendo. One day on a walk, I asked about her split.
"I had an affair. And I couldn't give it up."
"Oh," I replied.
"I wanted certain things that my husband couldn't do. I should have handled it better, but I was naΓ―ve thinking I could make everything work. I was wrong."
"I get it," I said.
Alice looked at me.
"Yeah, I guess you do."
We walked on for a bit without talking. It felt like there was a lot unsaid.
"Have you started dating?" she asked.
"No. I miss a women's company and things, but I'm kind of happy the way things are. What about you?"
"No. I haven't figured out what I want. Or I know some of the things I want but not how to balance them."
"What is it you want?"
Alice thought for a minute before answering.
"I needed more than Jim could give me. I loved my husband, but I wasn't satisfied in bed. He was loving and kind, but just not enough for me. I don't want to be unkind to him, but I needed more. I loved our marriage. We got along in so many ways. Just not enough though."