It was almost midnight and the house was dark except a light on in our bedroom. I was coming back from a long sales trip. The last thing I needed was for my key not to work. I was just about to go around and try the front door when I saw the note taped to the door:
"Robert -
Certain things have come to my attention that concern me. If you ever want to be able to get into this house without ringing the bell again, follow these instructions to the letter. 1) Do not knock on the door or make any noise that might wake the girls. 2) Put your car keys through the mail slot in the front door. 3) Take your suitcase and walk to the all night diner on the corner of Walnut & Main. 4) Wait there until David comes in 5) Listen to everything he has to say do not say a word until he tells you to. 6) Thank him for his kindness and do what he tells you. 7) Deviate from these instructions and the next person you will be hearing from is my lawyer."
Karen
That's our Karen. Very precise.
It's probably about a mile over to that diner. It gave me a lot of time to think. How did she find out? I'd been so careful. What was she going to do? And, how did our old, dear friend Dave fit into all this?
It was 1 a.m. when Dave walked and sat down in the booth opposite me. I started to say hello, but remembered Karen's rules and stopped. Dave smiled and said "Good boy. You always did pick up on things fast. Maybe not quite as smart as you thought you were, but smart. If I ask you a question, just nod or shake your head".
"Remember Virginia? Karen's old man's personal secretary?"
"It seems that Virginia found your expense records a bit odd, even for the boss's son-in-law who has no per diem limit and is encouraged to be comfortable on the road. Why were you spending so much time in Philadelphia and St. Louis when the company doesn't get that much business from there? Why were you spending so much more on food and drink in those places?"
"Virginia's been with the company for a long time and she had her hunch, so she called Karen."
"Your father-in-law who loves his star salesman son-in-law and his beautiful grandchildren so much, takes good care of people who are straight with him. And not just you. You know that Bob. There a guys working in the plant who literally owe their lives, or their wife's life, or their children's education from his generosity. They'd do anything for him."
Virginia was afraid that if her hunch was right and the old man found out, you might "have an accident." That would be a terrible thing for your wife and children.
I'm squirming now and wondering what the punchline is to this story.
Dave went on, "So, Karen got a detective agency to see what was up. The day she got the report, complete with names, numbers, and photographs, she called me up."
"I went over and while she was crying on my shoulder, literally, and was curled up against me like a scared kitten, I kissed her on top of the head. Sorry man. She was just so hurt and scared. It seemed innocent enough, but then she lifted her face up and kissed me. It was like we both were surprised by that and how good it felt. Then she stood up, never taking her eyes off of mine, and very gently tugged on my hand."
"I need to feel all of you, David," she whispered.
"Man, I have lusted after Karen ever since high school, but there was never any question that you were the one she wanted, not me. But that night she wanted me and I couldn't even imagine saying no."
"Sorry pal, I didn't really mean for it to come out like this. Things just sort of happened."
I just nodded.
"OK then. Let's get started. Karen is very angry and very hurt. She doesn't want a divorce right now. She would rather find out that you don't either. She wants proof that you really love her."
I was nodding my head like crazy.
Here is a quick overview of her terms: Nothing appears to the outside world to have changed. You and I will be friends as we always have been. You will break off with the two women and assign a new salesman to those cities. When you do travel, you go strictly economy. No more 4 star hotels. No alcohol. You will both keep the family locator app on your phone on at all times and you will report your location to Karen by text message each time it changes. All receipts and reports will be presented to Karen first, and then to Virginia."
Seemed to make sense so far. A pain in the butt, but probably better than I deserve.
"When you are not home, Uncle Dave will stay over just to make sure the three ladies are safe. Very discreet. I'll stay in the guest room."
"When you are home, same arrangement, but you will sleep on the floor at the foot of the bed and under no circumstances are to make any advances to Karen that she doesn't initiate. The bed in the master bedroom will now be Karen's and mine."
"You will also treat your three princesses like exactly that, princesses. You will cook for them, clean for them, respond cheerfully to any request from any one of them, and you will thank them for the privilege of doing it. I will observe your performance and take corrective action if any of them feels that you are not giving her the amount and quality of attention she wants."
"This will continue for at least one year or until you decide you don't care enough and drop out. If you do drop out, Karen will ask her father's lawyers to litigate the most severe divorce settlement they can get and she will ask him to put the word out in the business community that you cannot be trusted."
Weird. With all this terrible news, I was sitting there with a hard-on.
"Do you know what this kind of set up is called, Bob?" Dave asked, not unkindly.
I nod.
"Write it on the napkin."
BLACKMAIL
