My life now is a vicious circle driving me from my shameful obsession to satisfaction that lasts an hour or two, then a gradual return to my obsession, my fetish.
I need sperm.
After long years of a mostly sexless life I've become helplessly obsessed with sperm ... sucking it out of a hard dick, swirling the warm, sticky stuff in my mouth, then swallowing it to satisfy my hunger. And sucking for more.
It started with my husband's sudden death then my daughter's departure for college. My mind wandered through the long, empty hours exploring my new, lonely reality. Sometimes my thoughts turned to sex although sex had been such a small part of my life until then. I imagined hazy scenarios where unspecified things happened that were somehow vaguely erotic. My hands wandered over my breasts and between my legs leading to mild arousal, but without the powerful pleasure whispered about in the women's locker room at my tennis club.
That changed abruptly when I visited my daughter Hannah for a weekend at her college. It was soon evident that she had a hyperactive social life including frequent sex. I was shocked! Was this the life of a 19-year-old girl these days? And she refused to find her sex life abnormal or shameful.
"Mom, it's fun!" she said, shivering and hugging her breasts with one arm while the other hand pressed against her lower belly. "There'll be plenty of time for monogamy later!"
Glad her roommate was at class, I warned urgently about unwanted pregnancy, social diseases and her reputation, but she just laughed! And the strong, handsome boys we met on campus, in her dorm, at the student bars, clustered around her like bees around their queen. She only had to pick one!
My parents had picked my husband for me.
I made the long drive home with my mind whirling, my imagination racing from one sexy scenario to the next. I pictured Hannah naked, her face blissful, under a boy, her legs splayed wide while he plunged into her. I pictured her on all fours, a boy taking her from behind while she braced herself against his thrusts and cried out in pleasure. But in the end, somehow, all my imaginings -- over and over -- were of Hannah on her knees before a beautiful young man, his dick deep in her welcoming mouth while they gazed into each other's eyes.
That picture repeated over and over as I drove, Hannah eagerly sucking a dick until he lost control, groaned and filled her mouth with spurt after spurt of hot, sticky, life-giving sperm!
Panting with arousal, I finally had to pull over and take a long walk, forcing myself to think of something else.
At home it seemed impossible to think of anything else. I cleaned the house over and over, organized years' worth of papers and belongings, walked my dog for miles, planted new flower beds, and redecorated rooms that didn't need redecorating.
But when I was exhausted and climbed into bed at night it was like a movie playing in my head ... Hannah on her knees swallowing sperm from a thick, hard dick while the excess dribbled down her chin to coat her breasts. And after a few nights my fantasy became even more twisted. When my imaginary Hannah finished swallowing a load of sperm and licking the excess off her fingers, she turned and there was another hard, throbbing dick for her to suck!
Gradually my treacherous imagination replaced my visions of Hannah with visions of myself, welcoming virile young men into my body and their seed into my mouth.
Finally I turned to the Internet hoping that watching women enact my fantasy would give me relief. But it didn't work. My fixation became even more intense.
Most porn I found was fake and based on the humiliation of women. But occasionally, if I looked long and carefully, I could find scenes with women like me sucking for the pure enjoyment of seeing their lover come and swallowing jet after jet of beautiful sperm. I saved links to those videos and watched again and again.
Those scenes inspired me to masturbate. Naomi Goldstein, who was a virgin on her wedding night, and who was shocked and disgusted by the reality of sex, finally learned to use her body for pleasure. I masturbated over and over giving myself orgasms that satisfied me only for an hour before I needed to begin again.
I ordered a dildo shaped like a penis and sucked it in every possible position. On my knees, on my back, kneeling, mimicking the few good porn scenes I'd found, taking it in until I gagged.
But it wasn't enough. I needed a real dick filling my mouth with real sperm I could feel on my tongue, then swallow knowing the milky liquid would fill me and become part of me.
There was deep, burning shame in all this and the knowledge that my obsession was far beyond what anyone considered normal. But the shame just made me blush and shiver and added intensity to my obsession!
I plotted ways to satisfy my fetish. My first foray to a dance club succeeded, but was so risky and humiliating that I vowed never to repeat it. I needed to find a dick I could suck and balls I could empty without fear of criminal charges or social disaster.
Then there was Chris. I had always been aware of my neighbor's son. I'd watched him grow up from a gangly boy to a strong, athletic young man. I'd also seen his eyes follow Hannah eagerly and hopelessly. She was kind, but her focus was on older boys.
The more I thought about Chris the more I was tormented by his strong, young body mowing my lawn or just walking by my house. I imagined his dick, long and hard and at my service. But he was 17 when my obsession began, legally a child and off limits.
I knew the exact day he would turn 18, and I made a simple plan. With his parents out of town I would catch him alone, early in the morning, and find a way to get my mouth on his dick. Once I started sucking I knew there was no way he could resist. The Internet had showed me that a woman is in control once she has a man's dick in her mouth. Men are helpless when they feel the warmth, wetness and suction of a willing mouth.
And my plan worked! Chris's dick was mine as soon as my lips closed around it and he couldn't resist. I took him deep, his swollen dickhead bumping the back of my throat and his hard shaft stretching my lips. I sucked and stroked him with my tongue and fondled his balls. I was in heaven when his load of sperm shot out of the little hole, blast after blast filling my mouth.
Swallowing his first load was so, so satisfying and I only had to touch my clitoris for a strong orgasm to rack my body! He was so stunned by the sudden blowjob that I don't think he even noticed.
Chris was dazed afterwards, but he seemed to understand when I explained my obsession and what I needed from him. But unfortunately I failed to account for his needs. No doubt he loved my cocksucking, but he didn't share my fetish. He had the normal needs of an 18-year-old man including the natural urge to plunge his dick deep into a pussy and fill it with sperm.
What a waste!
But there was no way I could satisfy my urges without also satisfying Chris's desires. So that first week we alternated. I lovingly sucked him off, then later that day or more often the next, he fucked my pussy and delighted in my breasts.