Mad Medicine

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Here are two strange vignettes for your perusal. They started with drunken half-dreams. I'm not claiming anything below is good or more than 90 percent original, just some odd and mildly entertaining stuff that might give somebody a better idea. If you write anything based on these please let me know. I would like to read it.

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Coloclitoplasty -

In the afternoon the day before Christmas Eve, I looked up to the gallery and saw my six trainees were watching intently. Once I finished connecting the last of the tiny arteries and veins under a microscope, I withdrew from the surgical field. I turned and told my assisting, "The tough part's over, Mark. You can close. I need to do some follow-ups. Page me for any emergencies, otherwise I'll see you in two weeks."

Dr. Mark Henson was a Senior Attending but still my surgical assistant, since I'd invented and patented the procedure. With his mask and magnifier glasses I couldn't see most of his face but heard happiness in his voice when he said, "I've got it, Doctor Warren. Have a great holiday season, sir."

I turned to the other O.R. staff and replied, "You too, all of you."

As I walked out of the room, my penis slowly grew in anticipation of my two follow-up appointments, and the selfish bit of my mind tried estimating my future income. Because I and those I trained were the only ones in the world who could perform the procedure, I might be a billionaire in ten years! Many other experienced surgeons are happy to pay a million dollars apiece for two months of my instruction, knowing they'll soon make a million a month or more using my great invention, the coloclitoplasty.

A week ago I had given a talk at my youngest daughter Jane's high school but couldn't give many details to the 15 and 16-year-olds. I told them the basics of plastic surgery and praised the virtues of sewing people back together after serious injuries. I didn't tell them three quarters of a plastic surgeon's usual job is cutting big noses down to size, sucking out unwanted body fat, and giving women big boobs.

The school, students, and parents would have been horrified if I told the class about MY specialty. Imagine how they'd react if they heard coloclitoplasty inserts a clitoris grown from cloned cells into the rectum so getting buttfucked feels great.

After surgery a third of the male patients and half the females even prefer receiving anal to reaching orgasm any other way. There are a few other details like reinforcing the rectal lining and removing a small amount of anal musculature, but I basically rake in piles of cash by rearranging rears to make ass bangers and their partners happy.

The first ever patient was a gay porn star who paid the usual twenty thousand in fees for a minor surgery, plus a hundred-K for three hours of my time. Now he calls himself 'The Pegmeister' and masturbates with absurdly large anal toys in porn movies. Thanks to my special skills he can insert a two-liter bottle or a six pack of beer two cans at a time. Unlike a 'Max. possible' rectum, the size Pegmeister received, most patients wisely choose 'Double average penis', which lets them safely accept a famous 'big black dick' without needing diapers or anal tampons the rest of the time.

I took a Viagra in the parking lot of a motel where two very special patients were waiting for their first follow-ups after surgery, my eldest daughters Helen and Vicky. My Christmas gift to them was performing the work for only a third of my usual fee a week ago. Their gifts to their husbands would obviously be frequent anal sex.

In my honest professional opinion, receiving anal sex successfully once was enough to confirm everything went well. I was lusty and smart enough to keep that to myself. I had invented the wonderful process, so who would dare to question me? I documented the absolute requirement for at least eight weekly anal sex tests by the operating surgeon and recommended a dozen, to ensure there were no issues.

I thought I might be the happiest man alive when my sweet daughter Vicky had her eighth or ninth climax with my rod pumping spunk into her turdhole. As I recovered from a powerful ejaculation, she suggested, "Maybe you should keep checking us for a long time, to be sure it keeps working?"

I smiled so widely that my cheeks hurt, then agreed, "Very wise idea! I think at least twice monthly for five years would be appropriate. Please remove your pants and bend over, Helen."

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Smoke Kure -

I'm Dr. Roderick Rollins, but my friends call me 'Rod'. The source of my tremendous wealth is a supreme irony. I invented health-boosting cigarettes.

Instead of causing cancers, heart disease, and all sorts of other problems; Smoke Kure cigarettes have nothing harmful in them, other than optional nicotine. They include vitamins, anti-cancer and anti-aging drugs, and a tiny dose of proprietary nanobots which repair damaged cells and destroy cancerous ones. They're also available with no, low, medium, or high nicotine. Most parents opt for the low nicotine ones for their children, so they'll become addicted to smoking their vitamins and medicines but may be able to quit later if they want. For children and teens with hyperactivity disorders or depression, high nicotine is recommended for the artificial calm it provides.

The ingredient combinations have been run through the best simulations modern science has. They show a person who smokes five a day starting at age 15 can expect to live about 8 extra years. A user who begins smoking two packs a day as a teen extends their expected lifespan by three decades. A very heavy smoker might live to the age of 150!

Due to the anti-aging ingredients, now most smokers look significantly younger than they are. In one interesting case, a girl started to smoke two packs a day when she was 7 years old. At age 30 her face looked like she was only 21!

There was a huge uproar in the medical and scientific communities. It went against common sense and experience for smoking to be a healthy activity. After more than a decade of testing, experiments, and studies, it was confirmed; other than avoiding obesity, using Smoke Kure cigarettes is the best health-enhancing activity a person can do.

They come in a large array of flavors and colors. There are brown appetite suppressant cigarettes that taste like a cheeseburger. The black ones for diabetes taste like a variety of candies. Yellow fruit-flavored ones help with vision problems and reduce allergies, and there are many, many more.

A new social phenomenon is called 'Smokin' pink and blue', where a female smoking the pink birth-control cigarettes dates a male smoking the blue sex enhancement ones. It's a great combination. The pink ones with a red stripe even include an aphrodisiac.

My second-best invention made smoking totally fire safe. A tube made of clear temperature resistant plastic contains the ash and slowly dissipates the heat. Each pack includes an igniter that only activates when the tip of a cigarette is touched to it. These days it's safe to let even three and four-year-olds smoke unsupervised. There used to be laws banning children from buying or smoking cigarettes but these days most parents teach their kids to smoke around the time they start reading. Smoking in school isn't just allowed, there are smoke-free classrooms for the rare students who don't.

As another irony, smokers used to be ostracized because of the smell and injurious second-hand smoke, but now it's considered a little rude to not smoke in public and help those nearby be healthier.

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