Chapter 13 - Dance of Denial
Nothing could stop Emily and Mark's conversation that night as they lay in each other's arms, talking non-stop until the birds started cheeping and the bin lorries answered them with high-pitched bleeps as they reversed round tight corners.
"How
can
this make you happy though?" Emily asked, for at least the tenth time.
Mark answered patiently. "Em, I'm happy because you're happy. Isn't that enough? You have my full permission -- no, scratch that -- my full approval, to see Max again before he goes home. It's the last time we'll see him, and I loved it all.
Really,
" added Mark, as he saw Emily's doubtful look.
"Tell me the truth Mark! Why aren't you jealous? Don't you
care
that I had sex with someone else?" asked Emily, almost tearful, somehow making the dubious choices she had made a problem that Mark had to deal with.
Mark's even temperament served him well as he explained again.
"I care a lot, Em, but not in the way you think. It's called compersion -- the joy someone can experience when they see the people they love have good things. It's just positive thoughts really -- good karma, or something like that."
Emily scoffed. She wasn't sure she believed him, but she was glad he was being so nice about it all. She struggled to understand his reasoning -- she was sure she would have already packed her bags if the shoe was on the other foot, and would be in floods of tears, downing glasses of wine with Mary. She imagined all the horrible things she would do if the situation were reversed -- divorce, taking the house for herself, demanding half their savings (at
least
). And think of the reputational damage she could cause...
She cuddled up to him, shuddering at the awful thoughts in her head. The worrying thought that she wasn't a very nice person played over in her mind, and she tried to conjure up some positive vibes to wash the badness away.
What was the
best
thing in her life? The answer to that was obvious -- Mark.
She moved her hand over this chest, feeling his warm body beneath her fingers. She was certainly grateful that she'd married such an amazing, tolerant and wonderful man -- she knew she really didn't deserve him.
"Karma sounds good to me," she said after a while of quiet contemplation on her good fortune to have found him. "So are you a Buddhist now?"
"You know Hindus believe in karma too, right?" Mark replied. "And interestingly," he paused to waggle his eyebrows for maximum effect, "they have the Kama Sutra too."
Emily laughed, and finally, as the sun came up behind the mist to start another London day, the pair fell silent and drifted off to sleep for the hour that remained before the alarm clock joined the birds and the lorries in a morning symphony of beeps.
*******
Emily lay still, enjoying the stillness of the early hour. She felt surprisingly good, considering she'd only had two hours of sleep. This morning was the day after last night, if that wasn't too
Back to the Future
to understand. The bed beside her was empty, and she heard Mark clattering about in the kitchen.
Her mind wandered back to the crazy events of the previous evening. She'd always hated giving blowjobs, but now, well...
Maybe she'd rushed to judgment.
She remembered how Max had filled her mouth, the springy flesh of his head contrasting with the rigid staff behind it. It had been quite a thrill, now she came to think about it. She thought of how easy it had been to calm his temper -- the way he had fallen under her spell so quickly flattered her skill. Then she thought how she had wanted to please him, and how much she'd enjoyed the feeling of his hand on her head. Maybe it was the power-play in the room she had liked; Mark watching her, her pacifying Max, and Max bewitched by her moves. In that instant, the power she had held over both men had been intoxicating.
Emily rolled onto her front, burrowing her head into the pillow to find a comfortable position. She couldn't remember the last time she had masturbated. It must have been years ago - there was just no call for it in a healthy marriage. But this morning she felt different, and different felt good.
Beneath the covers, her hand slipped down her body to rest between her legs, her fingers pressing against the soft flesh.
That felt better.
A soft sigh escaped her lips as she pushed herself down onto her hand. She could hear the kettle boiling downstairs as Mark made tea. She had about five minutes to herself...
Emily pushed into her fingers before beginning to move her hips, rocking her pelvis in time with the slow, deliberate rhythm of her hand. She knew her own body. Her touch was familiar and comforting in a way no man could match. She let the sensations wash over her.
What was it about going down on Max that had aroused her? Was it anything to do with him at all, or had she just lost herself in the moment, taking pleasure in pleasuring someone else? And if so, why had she ever stopped doing that for Mark? Didn't he deserve