My Monday was not going well. Somewhere over the weekend, I lost my cell phone. I had been calling it from my second emergency line, but there was no answer. I decided to check with every bar I could remember hopping through with my girlfriends, but so far, no luck. That's me: Shelly the irresponsible. I am 24 years old and in my prime bar hopping years.
My boyfriend Matt hates this, and he almost never goes out with us. We've been together for 2 years and I love him, but when I have liquor in me, he should really be around. I am borderline uncontrollable with very few morals. A size 6 with DD breasts and a sexy smile shouldn't be without her boyfriend in bars. Luckily, my friends have a strict policy about keeping our shenanigans to ourselves.
The emergency line rang, and my heart sank when it wasn't my phone calling. It was my friend, Jessie, who had been out with us on the weekend.
"No, I haven't found my phone yet. I think I'm just going to report it lost and get a new one at lunch." I was walking to work and she was hard to hear over the traffic.
"I hope someone turns it in. You really don't want those pics and videos in anyone else's hands."
I stopped dead in my tracks on the sidewalk. "Videos?"
"The ones from this weekend ... At that after party we went to?"
My heart was pounding. I hate it when you block things out and then they come flooding back. Especially when you're in a relationship and ... Oh no. We'd played strip poker with a bunch of guys and ... Afterward there were definitely some videos that Matt just could NOT see.
I shouted into the phone, "I gotta go!" and ran the rest of the way to work.
When I got to the office, I rushed to my desk for some pre-work internet time and checked all of my social media accounts. Nothing. They hadn't been posted. And how would whoever found my phone know who Matt was and that these videos were ... Oh shit. Shit. Shit. Shit.
The message indicator on the emergency phone went off and I checked it. It was from my phone! Oh hallelujah, someone had found it!! All the message said was,
"Shelly" -Hello.-
I was starting to panic a little, but I decided to play along.
"E-Phone" -I thought I had lost my phone! I'm so glad you found it. Where can I meet you?-
"Shelly" -What would be the fun in that?-
"E-Phone" -Umm, I would get my phone back?-
"Shelly" -These videos are hard to part with.-
"E-Phone" -Please! I need that phone back!-
There was no response. I tried calling, but I got no answer for the next two hours. When I checked my personal email on my break, there was a message from myself, however.
Hello Shelly,
I will return your phone in one week's time. Between now and then, I have a game for you. I will text or email you with instructions, you will obey. Each time you question me, I will send a photo from this phone to Matt. I gather from your text history that he is your live-in boyfriend? I'm sure he wouldn't approve of this behavior. You won't know which photo I send until he receives it. If you refuse to obey any instructions, I'll send a video to your precious boyfriend.
It will be fun, I promise. ;-)
You will address me as 'Sir' this week. My favorite response from beautiful girls is, 'Yes, Sir.' Any other response could make the game a little more painful. You decide.
A package will be delivered to you soon. Go to the bathroom and put it on.
-Sir
I closed the email, my jaw hanging wide open. Who did this jackass think he was!? I could call the police, they could trace the phone ...
There was a voice behind me and I turned to see a police officer standing in the doorway to my cubicle. "Excuse me, but are you Shelly?"
"Yes, Officer...?" I should tell him. Right now.
"I was asked to deliver this package to you by a close friend. I was in the area, so here it is." He smiled politely and turned to leave.
So much for involving the police.
My 'package' was a bulging manila envelope. I reluctantly stomped to the bathroom to survey the contents.
Inside was a black bra, the tag read, "Shelf Bra". According to the picture, all this bra would do was lift my breasts from the underside, leaving it bare against my shirt. I took the tags off, put it on and put my own bra into the envelope. There was a small suction bulb and a package of tiny rubber bands with a note.
"Put two rubber bands around the suction end of the bulb. Once your nipple is suctioned into the tube, roll the rubber bands down around the base of your nipple and let the suction go. Do this to both nipples and go back to work. I will text you when you can remove them."
Was this man insane!? My text alert went off...