Letters V Continued

My wife divorced me when she found out that I am a sissy. There were many reasons, but the main one was that she found my stories and heard my recordings that I'd shared online. She had no idea and I don't blame her, but she never accepted that this is who I am. For the most part, all of it resides in my head. When I put videos, stories, and recordings online, it's a way to heighten my arousal for masturbation. Knowing other people like my "content" is very stimulating. I'm sure this is common for many people, not everyone who's posting online is an onlyfans wannabe content provider. Some/many people like to see how people respond. For me, I take the good with the bad. A negative and hateful comment can stimulate me as much as a positive one.

I have a profile on a popular pornpage where I post pics and vids, and then I have this stuff on Literotica, and that's it. "That's it?!?" you might say. To a regular person, this might seem like a lot. Under my "metaphor" pseudo-persona profiles, I can let my sissy flag fly and no one in my "real" life will ever know.

That had always been my assumption. I also believed that if anyone ever did find out from my real life, I wouldn't need to worry about it getting around because of the. type of stuff I post. I post all sissy-related content. Anyone finding my stuff will have to have had similar interests and these are not the kind of interests anyone generally shares with the world.

I always figured if say, my old middle school nemesis ran across my pics or stories and recognized me somehow after 30 years I had nothing to fret about. That person would have the same pervy interests and would have the same reservations about letting others know. For instance, how would that go down? Dean from middle school who tried to give me a swirlie in the boys' room is 35 and comes across my stories on Literotica. My stories are not the kind of stories big tough guys read. They are sissy stories with guys wearing panties and eating their own cum for fun. If old Dean sees my stories, recognizes me and decides to show the world on social media, he will only be drawing attention to his own strange proclivities. His friends would most likely criticize him and ask how in the world did he find such faggot stories and then make fun of him.

So it was so thrilling to find out you'd found me. It also confirmed my suspicions that whomever might come across my content, would keep it to themselves. You'd found my stories and you never revealed you knew. You never told anyone, at least to my knowledge.

Of course, it's possible you did tell someone. If you did, it didn't impact my life, career, friendships, or any other aspect of my life that might be "tarnished" because of it. In other words, if you did tell someone, they kept it just as secret. If you did tell someone and they knew, they never revealed that to me and I remained blissfully ignorant of any judgments you or whomever you told might have had.

My ex, when she found out, I'm certain she told everyone she knows. I live in a small town, so that's pretty tough. I can never be sure, whenever I encounter one of her friends, and she has many, she's been living in this town for 40 years, what or how much they know and how they perceive me. Of course, being a small town, I can only presume they think I'm a disgusting person, but honestly that doesn't really bother me. So, I kind of have this fortress built up around me that lets me just ignore them and whatever judgments they may have.

I say all that to say this, when our digital affair was at its most exciting, you let me masturbate while you and your BFF watched. I was totally drunk and something else you don't know is that on that night, my good friend had gotten kicked out of his house by his wife and I was letting him stay the night. So what was literally the most exciting thing that ever happened to me was happening, my friend was sleeping a closed door away in the living room of my flat. So, what should have been unfettered debauchery on my end, was subdued and suppressed inhibition. But that's neither here nor there. I have had many masturbatory sessions imagining you and her talking about me.

I realize that in reality, it was two or three girls' nights out wherein these conversations took place. You did tell me that you shared some of my pics and vids with her. I supposed you'd shared the literotica stuff too. It's the giggling and probable laughter that you both shared while perusing my content that really arouses me.

I imagine you watching me in my red outfit, fully smooth, legs spread, sperm on my face moaning your name as I ejaculate onto my face. I masturbate and watch my videos and picture the two of you watching. The first time you showed her, I see her eyes popping out and then I hear the giggling begin. I imagine the giggles turning to laughter. I imagine your eyes darting from the screen to your BFF, checking to see how she reacts and then back to the screen. And then I imagine the questions she must have had.

"He does this just for you?"

"Do you share with him?"

"How did you get him to do all of this?"

"You are my hero," followed by laughter and hugging.

I try not to think about how disappointed you both must have been by our skype call. I focus on all that came running up to that call, all the content you shared. I imagine with hope that you shared everything with her, but I know you would have controlled the environment and only showed her what you found acceptable. But that doesn't keep me from my fantasies.

I also fantasize that she contacted me secretly, unbeknownst to you and that she also becomes a muse for my fantasies.

But this is off the topic. What I really want to tell you are how much it thrills me to know that you'd discovered my stories on Literotica long before you'd ever revealed to me that you'd known. It explains the story you sent to me when I moved away to Europe. It must have been thrilling for you to share it with me. Knowing that I was into some weird stuff must have given you some confidence that I would like what you'd written. But, it still had to have been nerve-wracking. You couldn't know for certain that I would respond favorably. I can't thank you enough for taking that risk, you gave me the best experiences I ever had or ever will have.

But it's all that time in between that fascinates me. You never let on at all. You let me go on with my bravado and false machismo, all the while knowing the truth about me. I did have a nice string of real encounters during this interim period. I dated Debbie and Toyoko. My ex Maria, to whom I was betrothed, came down to Florida and then I went up to New York a couple of times to visit her. I sucked all those cocks during that time. Seven in total. I never told you about the cocks, but you knew, I think, about the women though.

The whole time you never let on at all. That is so arousing. I hope, looking back, and presently in my fantasies when I masturbate, that you were reading my stories and masturbating too.

And, now after all these years, whenever I write, I write for you. I write and imagine you reading them. I know in my heart that whenever you leave comments they are a kind of encouragement. I also know that for you, if and when you do read them, they are just fodder for your own knowledge. I wonder if you might employ some of the tactics in your own life. Do you derive hints or clues for your own sex life? Do you see something in my stories that you relate to and try to implement in your own bedroom? I am hopeful that you do, but deep down I think I realize your engagements with my content are just words of encouragement for me, a reflection of your generosity and love in your heart for what we once shared. It's lovely and I cannot thank you enough.

I recently began thinking that I might be ready for a relationship so I rejoined Tinder. We'll see how that goes. For the most part, when I see a woman that I think looks attractive, it doesn't take long before I envision what it might be like to be in a relationship with them. It doesn't take long before that takes a bad turn and I envision a badgering woman who can't keep her nose out of my business. I don't think I'll find anyone soon, but that doesn't bother me. I have work and my boys to fill up my life.

I miss you and your face, your eyes, the pics you shared whenever you got mani/pedis. I have a bunch of saved conversations we had back then that I like to read. There's one where it ends with you tasking me with an assignment. You told me to put on a pair of my favorite panties. You told me to masturbate into them and then fall asleep with my cum filled panties. I do that often and I pretend you are asking me to do it. When you first asked me to do it, I wore a pair of burgundy full-cut VFs and I still remember how arousing that was to do because I had in my mind that I must do it. I edged myself repeatedly for as long as I could bare it and when I ejaculated I covered my clit with my panties and let myself ejaculate without touching myself and filled my panties up with sperm. Now I love that feeling. Satin and nylon mixed with slippery sperm. I fall asleep and when I wake in the morning I am hard again. Like the first time I always slip off my panties and suckle the satiny fabric until I ejaculate again.

So many wonderful ways for me to arouse myself. So lovely A. You are a beautiful woman.