Dear Shoeblossom,
Here's a quote for you--
"You know the rules, Elmore. For every five minutes you get to rub oil on the inside of my thighs, I give you ten minutes of ass-whipping."
I am almost sure I've been in love with my baby sister Camomile for my entire life, although it didn't get carnal until I came home from the service and began attending Central Thistledown State Teacher's College.
I mean, she's always found ways to take advantage of me, but one day she arrived on my doorstep.
My folks had tossed her out 'cause she refused at twenty-two to find a job, and also she burned down our house when she and her boyfriend fell asleep smoking crystal.
Then, she lit candles in the mobile home they'd replaced the family manor with, and somehow, that burned down too.
And then my Pop was shot in the leg when an enraged wife came looking for Camomile.
At twenty-eight, a seasoned veteran, who generally got more butt than a toilet seat, not lonely at all, and with plenty of common sense, I invited my troubled sis to move in with me up at Thistledown.
Camomile is a lot of trouble, really high maintenance.
And she gets what she wants.
Just the other day, I was naked in the front yard, and Camomile had me tied by the nuts to our chain link fence.
A bunch of my pals came by to see if I wanted to get drunk and go bowling, and then they realized how ridiculous this was, me being you know, butt-naked, cuffed to the fence.
By my balls
"You really should throw your sister out, Elmore."
"You're just pissed 'cause she won't go out with you, Ogden."
But it's true, she's a lot of trouble, and I never listen to advice.
And really, Piston, Hobart, Ogden and Poodle had so little to say.
Poodle and Piston are also siblings, the kids of New Age parents, and they tried to dismiss my problem as Inner Child issues...
But I never listen, damn it.
Camomile came out in the yard and smiled at my buddies. How adorable she looked in her overalls, pink ones, the kind with short pants.
And she was wearing nothing BUT the overalls, of course.
As Piston, Og and Hobie's eyes popped out, I was disgusted.
But Camomile is always terribly pleased with herself.
Poodle is a little pudgy, so she is somewhat jealous of Camomile. But Camomile has an evil right hook, so Poo made no editorial comment.
"Hey guys. I am trying to make Elmore here be an electrical conduit."
Camomile was carrying an ultraviolet shock wand, which she'd purchased online.
I think it was battery operated, though in the house she used an extension cord. (Very much a conservationist, Camomile.)
Camomile had this theory that if she could shock my gonads through the fence, my pubic hair would fall off.
I had been resistive to trying this exotic plan, and Camomile had been forced to strip me and use the "Enthusiaser" on me.
Camomile was a crafty bitch.
The "Enthusiaser", compiled of six-foot strands of barbed wire, was wrapped at the end with duct tape.
Ten of the Enthusiaser's regenerative swats on my bare behind convinced me of the efficacy of arguing with my sweet little sister.
You understand.
Camomile had also brought the Enthusiaser the weekend before when she and her boyfriend had taken me camping in the Thistledown Mountains.
She had been trying to teach me to suck dick just as a marketable skill.
An ex-Marine, I was vehemently against this, but it's amazing how her little invention could create "enthusiasm" for almost anything.
Her boyfriend, also a jarhead, had enjoyed my oral efforts, but then got mad when Camomile had used the Enthusiaiser to whip us again when we brought insufficient kindling.
And again when she wanted us to service some pleasant and very gay Park Rangers.
