Chapter 1
Harold, can we not talk about the weather & sports & politics today as we walk? I need to talk to someone about something kind of important. And in this case, I need to talk to a man friend -- but someone who won't judge me for not already knowing about stuff like this. Promise you won't laugh, though. Ok?. Anyway, it's about something that my daughter Cyndi was all chatty about to me when I went to visit her at the University this past weekend, and I am totally confused. And don't know who else I could ask but you.
No problem, Katelyn. I wouldn't laugh at you, no matter. I promise.
Thanks, Harold. I appreciate you always being such a good listener -- not to mention coaxing me to speed-walk regularly!
Ok, so here's the thing... To be honest, I had never even heard of this thing, but (as always), she was like: Oh Mom, you're so old-school! C'mon, get with the times! Women are making great strides these days. It's not like the 80's (or whenever it was you grew up in back in the day before Women's Lib, no offense intended toward Dad, or now Peter).
So what was it, Katelyn? I'm curious?
It's pretty embarrassing, Harold, to have to learn about things from my daughter for gosh sake. So I just played along as best I could, saying yeah, uh-huh, and so on -- not wanting to ask questions. I went online to research it, but my browser's safety settings wouldn't even allow me access to this thing. So I'm still terribly confused. And I really need a guy's opinion before I mention the topic to Peter. From the way Cyndi let on, boyfriends & husbands can be pretty defensive about this sort of thing...
So... here it is... My question to you, Harold: Dare I ask Peter... to, uh, well, hmm, wow, how do I say this?
Katelyn! Stop. You're driving me crazy. I can't very well give you friendly advice if I don't have any idea what the heck you're all worried about. Besides, your pace is way too fast when you're all worked up like this. Slow down, take a breath...
Now... start back at the beginning. What happened when you went down to see Cyndi over the weekend?
Oh. I'm sorry, Harold. You're right. I am pretty worked up about this. I'm such a dork-mom I guess. Ok, here it is. And I promise to slow down a step or two. Whew. Ok, where to begin? Ok, it was like this...
...When I arrived, we had barely got to talking, when her doorbell rang and she received a delivery. One that she was all excited about. "Mom, you are going to be so proud of me when you see thing. It's a present (sort of). For this guy who asked me out for next Friday. I don't believe in re-using these gizmos, so I always get a new one for each new boyfriend. Besides, I really think ex-boyfriends need to keep theirs anyway. No point in girls being stingy about such things. Right, Mom?
But, Harold, I had no idea what she was talking about, so like I said, I just played along. Anyway...
So she opens up the package, and it's something in a nice velvet bag. And... Hey wait, do you already know what she's talking about? I don't want to have to say it outloud, if you already know. I'm such a dork. And it's embarrassing. Besides, I'll bet you DO know already. Yes?
No idea. (I lied.)
Ok, if you're sure. Ok, so it's probably just a college dating thing. Maybe even provided by the universities these days -- college life is a whole lot different than when I went, not so long ago even. You know, when I was in college, girls were considered tramps if they weren't virgins. So no way did we even think about buying such items for our boyfriends, much less, even for a first date!
(I couldn't argue with her there. And I sure wasn't going to introduce myself into this conversation. So I continued playing dumb.)
Ok, so keep going, Katelyn. Are you going to tell me what it was, or not?
Well... I suppose we're supposed to think of these things as more of a safety device than as something sexual. In fact, it's kind of an anti-sexual contraption. You see, when a guy fastens this thing -- they call it a Chastey, I think -- onto his privates, and locks it, it makes it hard for a boyfriend to get the device off quickly in a moment of passion. And that gives the girl time to make her getaway and run. Or I suppose if a girl was a super skittish type, she might even ask to hold onto the key during the whole date, until the date was over. But like I said, I don't know how it all works. That's why I need your advice.
Uh, advice about what? Why can't you just forget about it, and chalk it up to a college girl safety program of the University?
Yeah, I would, Harold. Except Cyndi said that since it's Fall now, all the women are getting ready for October, and said if Peter hasn't already asked me to, I should ask him to wear one of these devices. She said at college, it's like an invitation to go steady. A loyalty pledge of a sort. And any guys who wouldn't ask a girl to hold their key for the month aren't to be trusted, she said. And certainly not marriageable material. So she could hardly believe Peter hadn't already asked me. "After all, Mom, you are going steady with him since your divorce from Dad. Right?"
Wow, Katelyn. Uh, yeah it sounds like just a college thing. So don't worry about what Cyndi said. Btw, can we change the subject. How is your job going these days?
No, wait, Harold. Help me out here. I really need your advice. Should I order one for Peter and ask him to wear it? Or do you think he's already ordered one and will pop the question just in time, on Saturday night? Time is running out.
Btw Harold, have you already got one and asked Jen to be your 'steady girl' for October? haha. I know, I know, you two are old fuddi-duddies. Probably have long ago given up all your sexual games. Don't answer that -- I do NOT want to know about how or how often you make love to your wife. (Of course, you'll probably tell me in due time anyway, right? ^wink^)
Anyway, so help me: Yes order him one? Or No, wait for him to order one for Saturday night?
(In a brilliant moment, Solomon-like wisdom came to me, not a second too soon...)
Hmm. I guess you could order one just in case. Have it wrapped, with a little bow & all, and keep it in your purse Saturday night, just in case Peter hasn't heard of all this, or thought it just isn't the sort of thing for him. But if he has planned it all out to offer it up on Saturday night, he would never need to know you didn't have confidence in him.
That's a wonderful solution, Harold! (And she stopped fast-walking long enough to grab me and give me a peck on the lips!)
Could you help me find somewhere to go buy one or order one, Harold? You're a worldly man, right? You'd know where to begin looking, right? And you have male 'equipment' to get some approximate measurements, right Harold? Tell you what, if you help me and it turns out to be all for naught, I'll let you keep it free of charge. Ok?