When they told me it was going to be an internal ultrasound, my heart rate picked up. The staff had treated me pretty well so far, but you never knew how someone would react when they actually saw or touched a trans person's genitals. That, and I was trying not to imagine what it would actually be like, what it would feel like, to have some kind of medical probe inside me.
A nurse led me to the back of the clinic and into a dark, quiet room with an exam table and a desk with a computer monitor and all sorts of ultrasound equipment. She told me I could keep my shirt on, but to undress from the waist down, and use a sheet to cover myself up once I got on the table.
I undressed, folding my jeans and hiding my boxers under them. I stacked them in a pile with my shoes and got onto the exam table, covering myself with the sheet quickly to keep from feeling so exposed. The table itself was comfortable, with a soft foam mattress of some sort. The dim lighting gave the room a calming atmosphere, despite my irritated nerves.
The nurse knocked on the door before coming in, and rolled the desk with the computer monitor over beside me. She showed me the ultrasound wand—a long white probe that curved up at the tip—"Not so scary, right?" She told me to lie back with my knees bent and relaxed. I watched her apply lubricant to the probe with a stroking motion.
"I'm just going to take a look so I can insert it, okay?" She lifted the sheet covering my waist and peered underneath.
With my legs parted on the ultrasound table, I could see her curiosity getting the better of her. Even though she had already lubricated the probe, she ran a slick finger over my slit, the cold jelly making me jump. Her finger nudged against my clit and I let out a breath, hoping she wouldn't see it get erect at the slightest stimulation. But there wasn't much I could do to stop it. As her finger brushed over my clit again, this time more intentionally, I could feel myself getting swollen and wet.
"How long have you been on hormones?"
I wondered if this was an industry-standard question, but with her finger still stroking my clit, it was hard to focus. I cleared my throat, trying not to think about the growing pressure in my groin. "Uh, five years, I think."
"Have you noticed a lot of changes? I can see you've had some hair growth..."
I blushed. I hadn't trimmed recently, not really planning on anyone seeing me below the belt. "Yes, I guess so."
I felt her spreading me apart, looking. "Some people have trouble with dryness. Has that been an issue for you?"
There wasn't a non-embarrassing answer I could give her. "No, I haven't really had issues with that." I was certain she could feel my wetness as she ran her finger over my entrance.
"That's good," she said. "It'll help this feel more comfortable."
"Mhm." I nodded, focusing on the dim ceiling tiles above me.
