The text from my best friend Jasper was only one word, but that word spoke volumes about his sheer desperation to me.
"Help!" Jasper wrote me.
It was classic Jasper, of course. He hated to ask for help, but when he was in enough of a bind, he kept it short and simple. A Welshman with a sort of friendly roguishness and uncouthness to him at times, he reminded me of an 18th century highwayman type, to be honest. This was rather funny, given that he was actually a deputy sheriff and thus very much on the right side of the law.
"What's wrong?" I texted back, truly puzzled as to what could bother my buddy so much, so close to his wedding day.
"I learned something about Connie that has me rather shaken up and in need of a drastic solution, Ben," he responded.
"What has she done?" I asked him, point-blank now.
"She confessed a few things to me, in the interest of honesty and fairness, and I'm a bit stunned, to put it mildly. I am still bloody well shocked by this," he answered me, which really got me going.
"Okay, meet me at Nigel's in fifteen, if you can. Can you?" I replied.
"Very well, but Connie's coming along for the trip, since this is about her and me. I have an idea, but it's rather extreme, and while she is on board with it, I want both of you present when it's broached. You ought to get Tamara for this one, too," he announced cryptically.
"Why does my girlfriend need to tag along, exactly?" I demanded to know.
"Just trust me. I'm your mate, remember? Now, get off your arse and take Tamara with you. I don't care if you're snogging or shagging. It's not bollocks, I swear," he promised, so I woke up Tamara, who was on the rag right then, so frankly hated it when I disturbed her rest ... she went from saucy to cranky to downright mean at times during her period.
"What's the matter?" Tamara snapped, and as always, instantly regretted it, "Sorry, I was just having a hell of a good dream. It was you, me ... and Daniel Craig. We were ... you know ... having a threesome."
"That dream again, huh? Well, in my dreams, Eva Green sometimes joins us and sometimes it's just her, you, and me. Sometimes... , well, you get the idea, babe. Don't act so shocked. We've talked about threesomes, gang-bangs," I started to say.
"And reverse gang-bangs, lest we forget," Tamara winked as she interrupted me.
"And orgies, anyway, and at times, you bring it up before I do!" I resumed, adding, "Anyway, Jasper needs us to meet Connie and him ... urgently. Nigel's, 15 minutes, I told him, so let's get hopping, okay, bunny?"
"Yeah, well, if I'm your bunny, I deserve to get fucked like one tonight, especially for you getting me up from such a hot, sexy dream!" Tamara griped.
"But you're ... well, you know," I observed.
"Bloody and rare down there? I know. That's another thing that I'd like to change between us, since we're talking of relationships and sex," she complained as we got dressed in a rush.
"What is?" I asked her as we got to my truck.
"No sex on the rag. That's fucked-up! I'm horny all month long, dear ... it doesn't stop because I'm on my monthly! Hell, half the time it's worse!" Tamara declared, much to my surprise.
"Holy smokes, that explains a lot! Well, we can discuss that after we meet with Jasper and Connie. Whatever it is, it must be pretty serious for him to send me a desperate cry for help by text!" I coughed, not sure how to take this news.
"Yeah, well, I hope that he realizes what a good friend you are, when I've killed you with a heart attack after riding you to death all night long! Oh, look at that face ... you think that I'm kidding ... oh, no, Mister ... you and I are getting it on tonight!" Tamara warned me with a very sassy grin on her face.
"Is that before or after I spank your cute booty for being such a sass?" I had an evil gleam in my eye as we walked into Nigel's.