For Veronicas Sake Ch 09

Chapter 9

Who I am

Cry myself to sleep... Yes... That is what I ended up doing after I'd left Veronica naked and in the arms of my friend Reg Morgan... Left her there in his house no less than 800ft away, there left for him to fuck and play with as we'd arranged in this new direction we had taken in our relationship, adding some 'spice' and trying something 'different' like they say...

Alone and feeling sorry for myself, defeated I made my way upstairs, chugging half my beer and letting out a big belch as I sat on our bed... I'd never felt so broken...

The sobbing came next, with my head slung low and wondering why on Earth I was not only letting this happen, but also why I had encouraged everything, and also how I was also a part of it all... Hell, I even held his big dick in my hand as Veronica hovered above him, sinking herself down, taking all of Reg's long, thick cock into her wet, splayed out pussy, not just letting him fuck her as I held his his cock, touching him, feeling his fleshy, living breathing all-male cock... I physically helped my best friend fuck my wife.

Dropping my towel, left naked and sobbing, I drank the rest of my beer down and thought of what we were doing, how far we'd let things go and also, I was assessing myself, recognizing my end in this, seeing what I am, and 'who' I am, as everyone seems to know, except me...

I began thinking of Veronica and how she sees me, and also of what she said in front of Reg... Telling me I should come home and wear 'my' panties... It was heart breaking and humiliating, but I couldn't deny it any longer... She was right... Coming home alone and feeling this way, it felt like it was about the only thing I wanted to do in those moments...

Sighing and thinking Reg would have figured it out, or she had told him everything by now, telling him about me sucking and then her even fucking me with little Reg in my ass... Not to mention the shopping trip to buying me panties, which were all her idea...

From the make-up to the full body shaving, it all started with Veronica, but also, on my end I couldn't lie though, I wanted it just as much as she did... I liked the fun we'd been having with me and the mild cross dressing, and yes, even the dildo play with the very big 'little-Reg'...

It did something to me that at times, it scared me because... Well, because it... It just felt so right, yet my conscience kept telling me otherwise, torturing me and telling it was somehow wrong, and that men -- real men... They shouldn't want such things, they shouldn't feel this way...

Standing and feeling myself shake, full of nerves and uncertainty, I thought if I was going to do this, if I was going wear my panties and my robe for the rest of the evening while I pined, cried and wallowed in my own pathetic self pity, finding no rest or sleep, I wanted to wash myself, clean my skin of the evening, trying if I could to wipe away the memory, if not then to cleanse myself of it everything entirely...

Scrubbing my skin under the hot water, the images and thoughts in my head, of course they never ceased... Coming at me like a slide show full of quoted Memes all written in their words and read in their voices... Seeing and hearing them both with the things they said to me and what they had me doing...

Teasing me and by having me join in, getting naked with them and seeing just how inferior I was to Reg, and with Veronica seeing the difference before her eyes, in person, it was him versus me, and we all knew who would win out, every single time...

I wasn't needed there, my presence as I thought of it, it was merely symbolic... My touching and holding Reg's cock and watching wide eyed while putting him inside of her, giving Reg my wife's pussy... It wasn't necessary... They didn't need me there doing these things, and I knew it...

Getting a hold of myself again before falling apart completely, I managed to make it out of the shower... Yet standing naked wiping the fog off the mirror, I look at myself and felt the tears coming again, I felt empty and alone, naked and more vulnerable than I'd ever felt before...

I needed Veronica with me, and now that it was happening, I couldn't stand that she was over there... But I didn't know what else I could do...

I was alone, they were at his house across the yard, still fucking and making love... Veronica, my wife, she was falling for Reg... It was killing me, the separation and the wanting, it was an agony I could hardly stand... I felt like she was slipping away... I was losing her...

Feeling defeated, useless and unwanted, I dried myself off in our bedroom before opening my dresser drawer taking out the black pair of panties Veronica had picked for me in the lingerie shop, saying they were sexy, and that I could wear them for 'special occasions'...

Thinking of no other 'special-occasion' than this... I slipped into the silky black panties, feeling the lacy material touching and teasing my meagre, soft package, covered and wrapped in such wonderful finery, even in my vulnerable state, I still felt the chills and excitement of wearing panties hitting me and running through me...

The sensation was always delightful, casting my mind adrift, allowing me to momentarily step away from the pain and the anguish I'd been feeling since being sent home... The satiny soft panties, luring my mind, taking me away and having me thinking of things, other naughty, dirty things...

Things that most 'normal' men or husbands wouldn't ever consider...

Pantied now and in my white satin dressing robe, I felt like I needed more booze to drown my sorrows as I made my way down stairs to where I knew there was full a bottle of Vodka in our liquor cabinet...

Choosing to drink it with no glass, no ice and no mix, I made my way back upstairs...I just wanted the booze, I wanted something to make me numb, something that might help me forget...

Back in the bedroom, I stood in the door and grimaced taking a slug directly from the Vodka bottle, wincing hard as it went down... I don't ever drink like this, but then again, this wasn't like anything else now was it? This was everything, and it was all different, after tonight, nothing would ever be the same again, and drinking like this? It was my only way of coping and hanging on until morning.

Taking a deep breath and obviously not thinking straight, I sat myself down at Veronica's vanity table looking at myself in the mirror I could see the mascara she had put on me had been washed away in the hot tub, as well as with my tears leaving me with two dark circles around my eyes.

With a sigh, I used a treated make-up remover pad to start pulling the rest of the black out, yet once I saw myself again, the real me...I didn't like who I was seeing, sad and without a hint of this new me... This 'who I am'...

Maybe it was the booze and the night, what was happening and where my wife was, but the next thing I knew, I was reapplying the mascara, and poorly I might add with an unsteady, booze-laden hand and with wet, teary eyes.

I felt terrible, drunk and confused, but I kept going, feeling a little angry with myself and the whole situation I said "Fuck it... Who cares what I look like?" as I continued putting on more of Veronica's make-up, using her dark red lipstick, putting rouge on my cheeks and the same blue eyes shadow she'd put on me while messing around one night...

Looking to myself and feeling like such a wimp, a freak and a loser... I even saw myself as being gay... Doing this, putting on my wife's make-up and doing so in MY panties... What else could I be? I certainly didn't look or even feel like I was a straight, heterosexual male... I felt gay, or maybe that I should be, like it was the only answer just then...

As confused, fucked up and drunk as I was, I knew that wasn't the case... I know I'm not gay, or 'full-on' I guess would be a better description... I loved my wife, I loved her womanly female body... Her amazing hour glass shape, that ass and her eye popping big tits... I loved her, I adored her, I ached for her...

But wearing make-up? And lingerie? This certainly wasn't 'normal'... or 'hetero'... No... I knew there was more to me than this -- and none of it was normal...

Looking to the mirror and seeing how lousy my eyes looked, I began to sob again, I missed Veronica and I wanted her there with me. She was so much better at all of this, and how she made me feel, so loved, so wanted and so desired...

I wanted that feeling again, but I knew that couldn't happen, yet in my sorry state I thought of what I could do, how I could get closer to her in this my darkest hour of need? And turning then, I looked across the room..

Stumbling... I went to her closet...

With my head spinning and hardly able to stand on my own, I flew open the two closet doors, and not knowing what I was doing or what I was looking for I thumbed my way through her hanging clothes until by chance, my fingers landed on a hangar holding the dress I loved seeing her in the most.

It was one that she had worn to the Christening of a friends' child not too long ago... It was a classy looking taupe, or plumb coloured knee length dress with a lacy halter type neck line that held and separated her big tits so beautifully. It made her look so hot and so feminine as the soft material fluttered and danced with her every move.

With my heart rate picking up and my arousal returning, I laid the short shimmery dress out on the bed with every intention of putting it on, but first... I knew what else I wanted as turned then, stumbling back towards her set of dresser drawers.

Opening her top drawer where she keeps her panties and some lingerie, I began rummaging around looking for the white, all lace one piece underwear set she had worn under her pretty dress... It was a see through, with a lacy halter that matched the neck line of the dress, and it looked so sexy on her... I knew I wanted to wear it... I wanted her so bad, I was trying to dress up like her... Trying to get close to her and also, I was trying to be anyone other than myself.

Finding what I was looking for, I pulled out the lacy body suit and held it up feeling like I'd won a small battle in the war going on inside me... But then, spotting something else in her drawer I also wanted, picking up and taking out a pair of her stay-up stockings, remembering that she had also worn these lacy topped nylons and how when we were home later that evening, I remembered embarrassing myself once again, cumming too soon for her, but I couldn't help it she looked so incredible, I couldn't wait, there was no way I could hang on..

But now... Now as I sat on the bed, half falling over drunk and on the biggest self-loathing, self-indulgent bender I'd ever been on, I let go completely, and I didn't care anymore as I clumsily and haphazardly rolled up each of the stocking trying to put them on, yet in my drunken efforts I managed to put a big run in one of them, laddering the right leg all the way up the back... But even then I still didn't care, I wore the ugly, torn nylons anyway.

Standing and teetering I worked each of the long, smooth feeling nylons up my legs, wrestling with the pair, the sticky insides at the top clinging to my legs and feeling strange but still, it felt good, bad yes... But still, and in my current state? It felt about as good as it was going to get...

Standing and stumbling some, I turned a few times looking at my legs in the mirror and feeling my head spin, lost in the Vodka and my own self pity, I nearly fell over but caught myself where shaking the cob webs away and clearing my vision, I looked to my next item laying on the bed... The delicate, snow-white babydoll underwear...

Seeing it there through blurry eyes and without so much as a second thought, I picked up the feathery light, all lace undergarment belonging to my wife and held it open while feeling myself shiver as I stepped into the tight, snug feeling lingerie, the gusset coming up into my groin, cupping and hold my drunk-soft hairless little dick and balls, but the feeling... Oh God it left my eyes spinning like a slot machine, rolling back in my head, leaving me dizzier than I already was in my booze soaked state.

Cradled in such femininity, I felt myself wavering, a wash of both shame and desire was sent cascading through me, the feelings and the emotions were tearing me in two directions, splitting me in half, but I knew I couldn't stop... I wanted this, and I had to see this night through if I was ever come to grips with this heart ache... It hurt so bad, the likes of which I'd never felt before.

Running my hands over the tight fitting lacy babydoll with the halter coming around my neck left the open lace material catch on my bullet hard little nipples as I shivered again with the lace scraping the tender flesh and making me hiss... I loved the feeling and even my soft, booze-laden dick was coming back to life as I staggered my way to the bed and gathered up the last thing I needed to put on me... It was of course, Veronica's dress...

With shaking hands I realized I'd never gone this far before.... With Veronica, whenever we had played these little dress-up games, it had always stopped at just the panties and the robe, and of course, she liked putting make-up on me, but I knew I was taking things that much farther here on my own.

True, I did love the feel and the sensation of crossing this smaller, less significant line when being put into panties and my satiny soft dressing robe, yet it was however a desire that was put to me by Veronica, rather than it being inherent, or something I've always wanted...

Cross dressing, or as I had experienced it thus far... It had been mild, yet still it was a pleasurable experience, enjoyed with my loving, caring wife there by my side to hold my hand...

But now? Now I wanted it even more... Even if I felt half dead from the booze and the emotional over load, but the moment I had that dress on me? I did think I could feel anymore alive... Or maybe I was just more 'aware'...

Either way? Wearing a dress... It was electrifying indeed, but it also made me hyper sensitive to every touch and feel... Noticing how the dress hugged me at my hips, and also how the short hem danced, skirting across my stocking covered thighs when I moved, added with the feel of the lingerie... All of it sent my eyes and heart a flutter once again... Groaning out loud I felt dizzy with the drunken lust, trapped in these clothes, yet feeling more free and alive than ever...

Falling to the bed on my back, laying with my legs left dangling at the knees, I continued to run my hands all over myself, up and down my body, touching and feeling my drunk little boner coming up and tenting the one-piece underwear, my arousal coming on strong as I remained wrapped in so much lace and femininity...

I wanted to masturbate, I wanted to cum...

Shuffling my self back some, I placed my stocking feet up on the bed and with my knees coming apart I lifted the dress up over me and began stroking myself through the lace, yet soon enough I discovered like my hard nipples, it was the same with my semi-stiff little dick and balls, with the lace dragging across the sensitive hairless skin, it was too strong, too intense, causing me to wince and grit my teeth in pain.

Closing my eyes while fishing my small member out through the side and feeling better for it, my vision went straight across the yard to Reg's place where in my minds eye I could see them there with Veronica on her knees, sucking his recovered cock, getting him hard again, hard enough to fuck... Big, thick and stiff, she wanted his cock inside her, fucking her and taking her from behind...

"Uhh"... I moaned imagining myself being back there with them at Reg's place as I lay there jerking my vodka-drunk boner, dressed as I was in Veronica's clothes, but instead of just kissing me with his cock on her breath, feeding me her tongue to suck, in my drunk, sex fevered mind, I saw her feeding 'him' to me instead...

Biting my lip and stifling my moans with my eyes pressed, closed tight. I could see myself there, opening my mouth and letting my tongue come out, accepting and allowing Veronica to put him between my lips, laying the big head of his cock on my tongue...

Picturing her feeding him to me, I moaned my pained desire but unable to stop with my mouth closing over the end of Reg's hard cock, taking the head in, I sank down taking more of him, and then -- and then...

***

"Shhhh... Shhh... It's okay Dana... It's okay baby, I'm home... Just lay back, let me help you... I think you must have passed out sweetie, you're not even on the bed... Oh you poor thing... It's okay... I'm home... I'll always come home to you"...

Bleary and Sun blind, my head felt like I'd been dropped out of a building it was throbbing so bad, taking me a second or two to come around before I realize where I was...and Veronica, she was there with me, telling me she was home, telling me she would always come home...

***

"Wh-what? Oh...Oh my head... Owww.. Oh wh-what time is it baby?"... I asked while keeping my eyes closed and face turned towards the bed, the day light was killing me, I was so hung over I couldn't see or even think straight my head hurt that bad.

But then in a moment... I came around and I realized... I had passed out, crashed dead drunk on Vodka and the pain of knowing my Veronica was next door, not only fucking my life long friend but making love to him... Spending the night in his arms and in his bed, giving herself to him, as I let it happen, as I gave her away...

But worse...

Worse than any of this was was coming to, waking up out of my drunken stupor and knowing... Knowing now that I'd been found out... I was still dressed up in Veronica's clothes and she could see me... The dress, the stockings, make-up and her one piece lacy babydoll underwear... "Oh God"... I thought as cowered into the bed sheets keeping my face hidden like an Ostrich hides it's head in the sand, I hoped and prayed that closing my eyes would make it all go away.

Panicked, I felt my heart rate spike as I stayed where I was too afraid to move or look up to her but knowing I was caught, or found out, I knew there was no way out of this...

She was there, she could see me... She was beside me, comforting me, patting my hair, hushing in my ear as I lay there in a messed up tangle of her clothing, my head and my heart, pounding out the same terrified, humiliating rhythm...

"Oh Veronica... I can't believe you found me like this... I wanted to change but...but I... I... Oh God, what must you think of me? How could you want to come back to this?"... I asked as the flood gates opened, bawling my eyes out with her finding me in such a state.... I was beyond mortified, I felt so bad...so useless and so ashamed...

"Shh... Don't worry baby, I know, and you don't have to say anything... Don't worry Dana, please, I understand...and no matter what baby, I love and I always will" She said to me, sounding so caring and concerned, not with how I looked, but with how I was feeling...

"Can you turn for me? Can you look at me please Dana?"... She asked after telling me she knew, she understood, but still, there was something about how she said it, how she asked... I still felt like I was in trouble of some kind, or maybe she didn't understand... I wasn't sure...

Rolling over slowly, one thing I was sure of was that I looked like a fool, a clown with bad make-up job after passing out, plus with her tone... I was afraid, I actually thought she might be mad at me...

"Awww baby... I guess your night didn't go quite the same as mine huh? That's okay... I'm not mad... I love you Dana. But we...we should talk about this... Don't you think?"... She asked with her voice going softer as she had me sitting up.