I feel like I was never very successful at being a man. It's part of the reason I am enacting this transition. I've struggled with my sexuality since I was a boy, and the overwhelming feeling I have now is that I wish, for my own and everyone else who has ever been involved in my life, that I'd determined to do this earlier. I would have enjoyed a fuller existence, a more honest one, had I become the woman I am becoming at a much younger age.
There always seemed other obligations, and I was truly torn apart by guilt, indecision, and the choices I made. I wanted to make. I knew it would be easier to make it in the real world if I approached it "normally". So I went in that direction. I wanted to anyway. It didn't, as it turned out, really become the easy way. Perhaps there is no easy way, not with this deeply diverse nature, these disparate desires.
Even as I started a family, the lure of the other side was never very far away. I remember that after my second child was born I, through mutual agreement, underwent a vasectomy. In preparation, I was asked by the doctor to shave my privates prior to the operation. I did so, and I found the feeling of hairlessness exhilarating. I kept the area shaved, and indeed used the operation as an excuse to begin shaving my legs as well, something I kept doing for the duration of the winter. Only the coming summer months, with the promise of trips to the beach, and wearing of shorts, stopped me from keeping my legs smooth and hairless. I was, after all, a "normal" guy. Even if sometimes I stopped at an adult bookstore on the side of the bypass and took a place in one of the booths, hoping that someone would have the urge to offer a hard cock. I remember one evening, standing in the hallway in front of the booths. There was a white haired man standing at the far end of the hall, his blue eyes drilling a hole right through me. I was so shaken I went into one of the booths- I wasn't used to being so aggressively pursued, and he was indeed openly pursuing me. My breathing came hard, the great excitement and fear I felt!
I went into a booth very near where he stood- I was much too intimidated to look him in the eye as I passed. I closed the door, but did not lock it, and sat down.
I heard the door to the adjoining booth close, and a shuffling in the dark as the plastic chair was adjusted. I bent down to better see who was in the booth, my breath fast with anticipation, shaking and excited. I saw the white hair in the dim light as the show began. He was standing, feeding tokens into the video monitor.
He looked down to where I was watching, and I saw him smile as he reached for the zipper of his jeans. I couldn't take my eyes away as he unbuckled his belt and lowered his pants, then his white skivvies. The long, hard cock was throbbing, jutting straight out from his body. I licked my lips, and he turned toward the hole.
It was heaven, his hard meat filling me, forcing my jaws wide, my lips wrapped around his pole, sucking him from the back of my throat. I took him as deep as I could, slavering over him, desperate for his come. At some point he pulled away, leaning down and whispering through the hole, "I'm coming over..."
