If one was to look up the word "suburbia" in a dictionary there would simply be a picture of Chamberlain Close. It was indeed the very definition of middle class respectability, the sort of place where an unkempt front lawn would make one a social pariah. Range Rovers were dutifully washed every Sunday morning, Songs of Praise was watched every Sunday night and the paperboy delivered nothing but the Daily Mail to every household. Mrs Boyce had lived there for over 30 years now and saw herself as very much the elder stateswoman of the Close. She was head of the neighbourhood watch, organised the sandwiches for the cricket team and the tea and biscuits for the church jumble sale. Without her, Mrs Boyce often though to herself, the close would go to hell in a handcart.
She also kept a sharp eye on any new arrivals to the area. Mrs Price he young wife and mother at Number 6 had initially started tending her garden wearing tiny shorts and a low cut vest top before Mrs Boyce had put a note through her door firmly but politely suggesting that she wear more respectable attire in future. Mrs Price had initially wanted to go round and give the old battle axe a piece of her mind but her husband convinced her that if they wished to exist happily in Chamberlain Close then getting on the wrong side of Mrs Boyce would be a dreadful mistake and so from that day on it was in jeans and a baggy jumper that Mrs Price tended her herbaceous border and Mrs Boyce had maintained order and decency in her beloved close. And then Emma moved into Number 13.
From the moment Emma had knocked on her door to say hello to her new neighbour Mrs Boyce had resented her. Cheerful and curvaceous her hair was dyed with red streaks, she wore low cut black dresses that her plump bosom threatened to spill out of and even worse she had a tattoo on her arm! When Emma invited Mrs Boyce and the other neighbours round for an introductory glass of wine Mrs Boyce could scarcely believe her eyes at the inside of her house. The sofa was draped in leopard print covers, there were posters on the walls of rock bands and even a shirtless Robbie Williams.
One item on the wall particularly disturbed Mrs Boyce, a large fabric wall hanging with a large five sided star on it.
"What on earth is that?" Mrs Boyce had shrieked in her shrill upper middle class tones.
"Oh its lovely isn't it?" replied Emma leaning over to refill Mrs Boyce's wine glass and giving Mr Boyce and the other husbands present an eyeful of her soft bountiful cleavage.
"It's a Pentagram."
Emma could see that Mrs Boyce was utterly puzzled
"I'm a wiccan." she added by way of explanation.
Mrs Boyce looked even more puzzled she had never heard of a Wiccan before but was far too proud to let this woman know that. She would have to find out some other way
As soon as she reached the safety of Number 11, Mrs Boyce composed a letter to the Daily Mail's Q&A section enquiring as to what precisely a Wiccan was. When she read the paper's response over her breakfast a few mornings later, she spat out her tea in panic
"Henry! That woman next door!" she trilled to her husband "It says here that she's... a witch!"
Henry Boyce thought that his wife must have taken leave of her senses. A witch in this day and age and in Chamberlain Close? But there it was in black and white. And in the Daily Mail too who were, as far as Henry could see, right about pretty much everything else. Mrs Boyce raced to the phone and frantically dialled her neighbours one by one. There would be an emergency meeting of the neighbourhood watch that very night to discuss the greatest crisis Chamberlain Close had ever faced.
That night, Henry Boyce dutifully passed round the biscuit barrel as his wife held court. All of the stalwarts of the close were there, Mr and Mrs Holland, The Braithwaites and Professor Williams the close's resident historian.
"Something simply must be done!" wailed Mrs Holland "It's bad enough that she plays that ruddy awful rock music at all hours. And walks around with her bosoms on display in those dresses."
"And the men!" trilled Mrs Braithwaite "Why I've seen three different ones and she's only been here a few weeks. Rough types too. Leather jacket and earrings one of them had! The property value of this close will simply plummet!"
"We're missing the most important thing though." Mrs Boyce appealed "The woman's a witch! The Daily Mail said so! If we don't do something about her now we'll end up turned into toads!"
"But what can one do about a witch?" butted in Mr Holland "I mean there can't have been witches round here for hundreds of years. What did they do about them then?"
"Professor." said Mrs Boyce "You're a learned man do you know anything about how to deal with this sort of ghastliness?"
"Well." began the Professor as he puffed on his foul smelling pipe "When you phoned me Mrs Boyce, I had a little look in my study at some history books on this very subject. Now this tattoo on this Emma person's arm."
The women all grimaced at the thought of it
"Well it seems to be some kind of an occult symbol. A devil's mark if you will. Now to prove that she's a witch we'd need to find out if she's got any more of these marks on her."
"And how do we go about doing that?" enquired Mr Braithwaite
"Well." the Professor answered "We'd obviously have to get her things off and have a good look at her."
"Starkers you mean?" piped up Mr Braithwaite trying to disguise his excitement at the prospect of the buxom Emma in the altogether.
"Well yes." the Professor chuckled "And if we find any more evidence on her then it's simply a matter of extracting a confession."
"And we do that how?" asked Henry Boyce his eyes surreptitiously meeting with Mr Holland and Mr Braithwaite's.
Each man knew the others had on their mind. Whilst their wives had been sat discussing how disgraceful Emma was over coffee, the drunken discussion in the snug at the Cricketers Arms had mainly revolved around her daring displays of cleavage and her round womanly bottom.
"Well I've been reading up on this all day."said Professor Williams "And I think we need to use the authentic methods that our ancestors used when they were faced with a similar catastrophe."
"And those methods are?" grinned Mrs Boyce filled with barely disguised glee at the prospect of Emma being humiliated and tormented.
"Well." the Professor smirked as he reloaded his pipe "What we need is some good shaving tackle, a large goose feather..."
While this was going on Emma,oblivious to the discussion of her fate, had been enjoying a nice long candlelight soak in the bath. She was planning to head to the nearby town in search of a good drink, good music and hopefully a good man. Emma couldn't stand the local pub The Cricketers. It was full of stuck up snobs shaking their heads at her while their husbands mentally undressed her. Emma had taken to wearing more and more revealing tops and dresses in the hope of winding the harpies up even further.