At the young age of 19, I found myself falling hard for Luke, a 26-year-old and a total charmer. I understood the challenges posed by our age difference, given that we were at different stages in life, but he had this undeniable maturity that matched mine.
Our dates were a charming mix of high-end dinners and simple sorority house meals, lavish movie nights contrasted with lively frat parties. We found balance between the calm of his apartment and the hustle and bustle of my sorority dorm room.
What attracted me to Luke was his limited romantic past, dotted by fleeting, non-intense relationships. My romantic history was quite sparse too, marked by short-lived high school flings, if you'd even count a six-month stint as serious. Oddly, despite our age gap, our dating experience seemed to parallel each other's.
Luke understood that I was still young and gave me the freedom to live my life without any restrictions. His trust in me was so absolute that he didn't let jealousy creep in even when I had to accompany dates to sorority and fraternity events while he was away.
But our trust was always mutual. We had this special ritual where I would call Luke before I left and then again when I got back. Our faith in each other was unwavering, and not a hint of jealousy ever marred our bond.
Ours was a relationship rooted in mutual respect and friendship, with an underlying spark of attraction.
Intimacy quickly became a familiar aspect of our relationship. Our undeniable attraction led us to share a bed the very day we met, which was a new experience for me. Our first encounter was cautious, with a condom for protection and a careful pull-out method.
However, we faced a minor issue - the condoms supplied by my sorority were from a brand notorious for being larger than the standard size, even the so-called 'regular' ones. As a result, these became our protection of choice after our initial experiences.
Luke noticed that they had a tendency to slide off, and eventually, I decided that we could forego the condoms altogether. I never expressed any criticisms. On our first night grappling with the oversized protection, I simply said, "It's okay. I trust you if you trust me. Let's just go for it."
There was no trace of regret or judgment in my voice, just a straightforward acknowledgment of the ill-fitting condoms.
With a reassuring smile, I told him I'd figure out a solution.
Several weeks into our whirlwind romance, I told Luke about a recent sorority meeting. Amid discussions on house rules, chores, and necessary supplies, I had boldly suggested a switch from the infamous condom brand. Unfortunately, the majority voted against my proposal.
I offered to bring it up again if he wanted, but Luke reassured me it was entirely my decision.
"Okay. Well, I'm on the pill and don't mind going without, but I'd like to use protection most times. How about we buy our own from the supermarket? Just so we have them," I suggested.
"Sounds like a plan. Ready to go now?" he asked.
So, we set off on a ten-minute car ride to the supermarket, our journey punctuated by music, laughter, and our usual playful banter.
When we arrived, Luke asked if I'd like to wait in the car or accompany him.
"I want a say in what's going inside of me." I winked and let out a giggle.
We headed straight for the pharmacy section, specifically the 'family planning' aisle. It was like a buffet of prophylactics, boasting a wide range of varieties - lambskin, lubricated, spermicidal, large, ribbed, with or without cock rings, and something called 'natural.'
I picked up a box of ribbed condoms, but Luke immediately vetoed it. I tried again with the 'naturals' from the same brand, to which he responded, "Nope, not those either."
"Too big?" I asked, catching the attention of a fellow shopper. Embarrassed, Luke mumbled a quiet "Yes."
Unable to hear him, I asked louder, forcing him to confirm at a normal volume. The nosy shopper's eyes widened, and she mouthed a silent "Wow" before picking up a box of my sorority's brand and exiting the aisle.
I asked, slightly irritated, "Then which ones?"
Luke guided me towards the bottom shelf, singling out a box of condoms tagged 'slimmer fit.'
"What does 'slimmer fit' mean?" I asked.
"They're designed to stay in place better than other styles."
"They're smaller, aren't they?" I questioned as another female shopper appeared on our aisle.
After acknowledging my correct guess, we had quite a conversation, with both me and the newcomer expressing surprise at the existence of this lesser-known variant of condoms. Their shared curiosity was a bit frustrating, but at least it ended with me agreeing to buy them.
However, it didn't stop there. I asked if we should buy the other box too. Our new 'friend' made a cheeky comment about the dust on the box indicating it had been sitting there untouched for a while.
"Oh, well. Let's leave 'em for the next guy that needs 'em," Luke responded, eager to end the conversation. But fate had other plans.
In the end, Luke found himself purchasing both boxes while the ladies pondered the rarity of such condoms. At least, as I pointed out, we knew where to find them if needed.
A week later in my room, Luke was silent for a moment before he spoke up, "Kaili, people can be cruel when they don't understand something. As for missing out, well, I can't speak for anyone else's experience..."
I interrupted him before he could finish, "No, Luke. It's not about understanding something. It's not about cruelness either. I mean, yes, they were mean, and that wasn't fair. But the part that worries me is that I kind of agree with some of their sentiment, if not exactly what they said."
He turned to look at me, a flicker of confusion in his eyes. "What do you mean?"
"Look," I sighed, "I like you. A lot. And our time together has been great. But when they were laughing, saying those things... I couldn't help but wonder if they were right. I don't know what it's like to be with a guy who doesn't have the condom slipping off problem. And now I find myself wondering if I'm missing out on something. I don't want to, but I can't help it. I feel like I need to know if there's a difference. I just... I just need some time to think about all this."
The silence that followed was thick and uncomfortable, but it was necessary. This wasn't an easy conversation, but it was one we had to have. For both of us.
Luke was silent after my outburst, and I felt my heart pounding in my chest. The tension in the car was almost unbearable. This wasn't how I planned this conversation to go, but the words had spilled out and there was no taking them back.
Finally, he let out a heavy sigh, "I understand, Kaili. It's okay to be curious, to have questions. I can't blame you for wondering. I would probably be asking myself the same thing if I were in your shoes."
His understanding felt like a gentle balm, but it didn't take away the uneasiness. He was being supportive, accommodating even. But was it fair to him? Was it fair to me?
"I think it's only fair that you get to explore that curiosity," he added, his voice steady. "You're young. This is the time for you to learn, to experience new things."
"But I don't want to lose you," I protested, "What if...what if..."
"What if you like it better with someone else?" he completed my sentence, a small, sad smile tugging at the corners of his lips. "Then that's a risk I'm willing to take. Because I want what's best for you, Kaili. Even if that means it's not me."
His words stunned me. I could barely comprehend the selflessness, the love in his voice. It was so different from the selfishness I was displaying, but somehow, it also made me respect him more.
"I don't know what to say," I finally managed to whisper.
"You don't have to say anything, Kaili," he replied, turning the car into the driveway of our sorority house. "Just think about it. Take your time. Whatever decision you make, I'll be here."
And that's exactly what I planned to do. Because as much as I liked Luke, as much as I cared for him, I owed it to myself to explore, to learn, to experience. And knowing that he would support me no matter what...it only made me admire him more.
So there I was, a whole month post-Luke chat, when his text popped up. "Hey, just checking in. You've been on my mind."
Honestly, it was kinda bizarre not having him in my daily chats after a routine of constant texting, even multiple times a day. Missing those weekends when we were practically attached at the hip was an understatement.
