I am a cuckold. For a long time, I felt ashamed of my thoughts and desires. I struggled to stop the thoughts from creeping into my head but always failed. How can the thought of another man being with my girl be so exciting. If I figured out how it all started, maybe I would be able to undo everything, so I started to write everything I could remember.
I was 23 years old and my girlfriend of almost 6 years, Suzy, had just dumped me. I fell in love with her in 9
th
grade and after over a year of pursuit, she accepted my advances, and we became each other's first relationship of any type. I was always proud of how my hard work and persistence landed me someone who was obviously above my caliber.
We met at our church's youth group. We were extremely active in our church and community. You name a weekend, and we were either helping with youth and young adult groups, facilitating weekend retreats, or hanging out with our church friends... every weekend.
We were virgins at this point. We had decided to wait until marriage before having sex. That didn't mean we weren't active, it just meant we didn't' have any form of penetration. We moved slowly through all the phases in our exploration from the first kiss to going down on Suzy. She never reciprocated with oral sex, but it never bothered me. I just felt lucky to be able to have a girlfriend with such an amazing body to enjoy.
Throughout our time together, she was always flirting with guys. She couldn't understand why they would always hit on her and pointing out the fact she was flirting always resulted in denial. I honestly think she just couldn't understand how her smile, body language, and touching would come across as flirting. I always tried my best to not be the jealous kind, but it was difficult to say the least.
Suzy was 22 years at the time of our breakup. She was the obsession of one of her college classmates, Paul, for almost 2 years. He was engaged at the time, but it didn't deter him from hitting on Suzy daily. Since they were in the same undergraduate program, they spent a lot of their time in and out of class together. Their group of friends would hang out at each other's house after school, go to the beach on a regular basis, and talk on the phone at all hours.
The thing that reassured me was the fact that Suzy would tell me everything he would say or do. She never tried to hide anything, and I believe she was oblivious to his intent.
During one of her physiology classes, they were paired up with classmates to trace the muscles and tendons on each other's legs. Taking turns, one laid on a table and their partner would feel the other's muscles. At one point, while Suzy was face down on the table as Paul worked on the back of her thing and knees. Then he kissed her thigh, not once but twice, and she pushed him off with a giggle.
As you can imagine, I was dying on the other end of that phone conversation. What I remember most is her not having addressed the issue with him and then being upset with me because I was upset. Her defense was, 'How can I make him feel bad when he is going to be in every class of mine for the next 2 years. He is also part of my close group of friends, and it would make it awkward.'
A few weeks later, she broke up with me. Apparently, I was too jealous of a person and it was affecting her school focus.
Fast forward about 10 months and she reached out to me. She wanted to get back together and like a lovesick puppy, I jumped at the opportunity. I had convinced myself that I must have been the fault of our breakup with my jealousy, so I was grateful to get another chance.
A few weeks into our re-kindled romance, she broke down crying. It took almost 15 minutes for her to calm down, enough to tell me that she lost her virginity. My brain splint in two. Half was freaking out and the other half wanted to console and reassure her everything was ok. I was still a virgin and even though we were no longer together at the time, felt betrayed and couldn't reconcile what she had just told me.
For the next couple weeks my mind was like a beehive of emotions and questions. I couldn't bring myself to ask any of them without coming across as being jealous. After all, that is what she thought I was.
In one of our nightly phone conversations, she asked me if I was ok with what she had told. I asked how she felt about losing her virginity, how she felt now with me still being a virgin, and various other innocuous questions. She explained that she didn't want to rush our relationship and wanted to wait a little longer. The lovesick puppy just nodded and accepted it.
In a later conversation I started to ask detailed questions. The what, the who, the where of it all. As the weeks passed, my questions were more intense. I needed more details. Often, I would repeat the questions. My heart raced with every answer and my stomach twisted. I hated it but I needed to know.
Suzy kept asking if I really wanted to hear the truth and I insisted. I believed if I knew every minute detail then she had no secrets left. The more I knew, the less personal it was for her. At least, that is how I justified my interrogations.
