Friday came, as I knew it would.
Even before my eyes were open the thought came.
"
You don't have to do this," I thought.
But I knew I did.
So I rolled out of bed quickly. For the first time in months, hell, for the first time since we got married, I did not want David to join me in the shower. I needed to cry and I did not want to explain why.
Since David came into my life I have taken to enjoying my body. Even when I showered alone, which was rare, I tended to, well, okay, I'll say it. I tended to play with myself a bit. Okay, sometimes I'd even masturbate in the shower, something I allowed myself since he had broken down so many inhibitions.
But this morning I just washed and cried.
Finally, cried out, and thinking my fingers and toes might be getting pruny, I turned off the water dried, and got ready for work.
Dressed and ready I packed my little overnight case. David knew my "Girl's night outs" were really "Girl's overnight outs," so it's not like I had to hide anything. The little retro train case was a Christmas gift from him, a Samsonite piece that probably dated to the 1950s. I slipped my "special dress" into the bottom of the case and covered it with fresh underwear, socks, a pair of high heels, and some makeup. I didn't think David would ever look, but if he did, the only thing that would be hard to explain, okay, impossible to explain, was the dress but I honestly didn't imagine he ever would.
Downstairs he greeted me with a bagel heavily loaded with cream cheese, and coffee, kissed me, and said, "See you Saturday. Don't do anything I wouldn't do."
I smiled, said, "Ace your test," and watched him out the door. I heard his little motorcycle start up and then screamed in my mind, "
Oh, Honey, I'm going to do things you'd never DREAM of doing."
I ate my bagel with
Fox and Friends
blathering on the television, and talking to myself.
"
Just tell him," I told myself, "tell him and go back on the meds. He'll understand.
"
"
Would he? Do you really believe that?" I asked myself.
"
"
He loves you, you know that," I assured myself.
"
I know THAT," I yelled at myself, "but is it enough?"
But I knew that none of it mattered.
The URGE was too much a part of me to be denied.
So I took a deep breath, huffed it out, picked up my little bag, and went out to face my day and the night to come.
I made it until noon, putting the finishing touches on the damn grant application. I knew I'd need to review everything on Monday. I was distracted. So I stuck my head in the boss's office and said, Hey, Tom, I'm calling it a day. See you Monday."
He just grinned and waved me away.
That's one of the perks of being very good at what you do. They don't mind if you extend your weekend sometimes.
I let myself into Arlene's big ranch-style house in one of those suburbs where homes sat on acre lots. I chuckled, as I always did, remembering Arlene telling me, after crying for an hour in my arms, how she was going to make damn sure the fucking her divorce lawyer gave Ron, the ex who traded her in on a blonde half her age and about two-thirds her size, was going to be better than anything that blonde ball of fluff would ever give him.
I went into the spare bedroom, a room in which I would not sleep tonight, stripped off my clothes, picked up my cell phone, and then padded naked through the house, picking up the Diamond Mastercard Arlene always left in her kitchen drawer, and out the back door to the pool. I leaned back on one of her heavy redwood chaise lounges and started doing the necessary research.
On the Convention Bureau website, I checked and found what I was looking for. Something called the "Association of Western Water Engineers" was holding their annual convention at the downtown
le Meridien
hotel which tickled me silly. That meant I'd do my pickup at
54Thirty
, the wonderful open-air rooftop bar with its amazing views.
I called the hotel and booked a room for the night.
I didn't feel any guilt about using Arlene's card. First, I knew this card was billed directly to her ex. Second, what the hell, she'd be using the room too.
The details taken care of, and my conscience shoved deliberately down to the bottom of my mind, I'd deal with it later, I jumped into the swimming pool, kept at a nice blood temperature, another bill sent directly to the ex, and ripped of a quick 10 laps. Arlene and I had been assigned as dormitory roommates initially as Freshmen since we were both on the swim team. Arlene, with a better specific gravity given her well-padded size, swam the distances measured in miles. I did sprints, fast but my lean-to-fat ratio let me sink if I didn't keep moving.
Then I laid back, just a towel between my body and the warm concrete, and, much to my surprise, I dozed.
"Stay here with me, tonight," her words were soft, her lips so close to my ear I could feel little puffs of air as she spoke them, "You don't have to do this."
This was a conversation we had dozens of times in the past, but not for the last three years. Not since David swept me off my feet and I thought the URGE was gone.
"I have to," I said, my eyes still closed, "I'm sorry, Leen, but I have to."
"Fight it," she said, and her kiss sent a rush that started at my scalp and left the soles of my feet tingling, and my toes curling.
"I
CAN'T
Arlene," I yelled, "don't you wish I could."
"I'm sorry, Cammie," she said, the only person in the world who called me that. She wrapped me in big strong soft arms, pulling me to her, and I realized she was as naked as I was.
But it wasn't sexual. Oh, it was sensual as hell. She enfolded me, hell, she engulfed me, in her warmth.
And I was crying. Oh, hell, I was bawling. I was wailing. I loved her and I loved my husband and I hated myself and I hated what I would do tonight and I just screamed my pain while she held me, stroking my hair.
I don't know how long that went on before I wound down. I know when I pulled away, finally, those magnificent boobs of hers were slick and shiny with my tears and snot and drool and I giggled softly and managed to say, "Thank you."
She smiled, kissed me, a soft, snotty kiss, and said, "All right, Cocksucker, come on. We'll get you ready."
We showered together. We giggled a lot. She teased me about being flat-chested and I accused her of having udders and asked her to moo for me. She told me I looked like a beanpole. I told her she hadn't missed any meals. She washed my face and I washed hers. She shampooed my hair, an easy job since I wear it short, just a curly cap. I shampooed her hair, a much harder job for me since she's one of those natural blondes with about a bazillion hairs per square inch and she wore it in a great mane about halfway down her back. She washed my body, almost making me cum when she did between my legs and then making me squeal and squirm when she did my ass including deep into my
gluteal cleft