Part 1: Alpha Patriot Premium
Andrea's jaw fell open when Tina, her soon-to-be-married college best friend, opened the first gift at her bachelorette party. The two 27 year old women, and 5 of their friends, had already been going at it pretty hard since dinner, where they'd put away 5 pitchers of margaritas. So they were quite tipsy by the time they'd made it to their second bar and sat down with more drinks to start opening presents.
Before Tina had opened the first gift, Andrea had assumed it was a fancy bottle of wine that came in a box. Her shock at what was actually under the wrapping paper was primarily due to three things.
First was the general reaction to the gift itself. Instead of fancy wine, it was a red, white, and blue novelty dildo of preposterous proportions in a clear plastic package. Not only was it large, the dildo looked incredibly realistic despite the colors and the shape of the fake dong's head, which was molded to look like a statue of a Presidential bust. Grotesque, Andrea thought.
The second cause for her shock was the name emblazoned in gold on the dildo's package, "The Alpha Patriot Premium". Repulsive, Andrea fumed.
And the third cause was the giver of the gift, Tina's childhood best friend and a butch lesbian who had moved to Spain to get away from America, Blake. Disappointing, Andrea concluded.
Of the young woman, only Andrea didn't laugh in reaction to the huge phallus. Maybe it was just that gifting a big sex toy at a bachelorette party was such a cliche, and she thought her friends were above that. Or maybe it was the leering likeness of the boorish President that got so under her skin. It certainly didn't help when, as more gifts were opened and passed around the group, she got a closer look and saw the marketing material and product descriptions on the dildo's box.
"Specially designed to teach single cat ladies the benefits of inserting an alpha cock into their lives," read a sticker placed just under the dildo's moniker. Further descriptions indicated that the didlo's size included 8.75 inches of insertable length and a circumference of 6.5 inches, and that it was made of a dual-density silicone molded with life-like veins for a "better than real" feel.
The young women continued to get drunk after the gifts had been opened. By the time they were ready to leave, Andrea was having trouble walking straight. Being responsible, conscientious citizens, the group had made sure to make plans on how they would be getting back to their homes without driving. Two of the women were picked up by their boyfriends, who happened to drive identical Prius, which caused a moment of confusion when the first one pulled up to the curb. Blake was staying in a hotel close enough by for her to walk, and the other two shared an uber to the other side of town. That left Andrea and Tina, who were being picked up by Tina's kid brother, who'd turned 18 three weeks previously, and taken back to Tina's apartment where Andrea had parked and planned to stay the night.
Tina's little brother, Brad, took over thirty minutes to arrive to pick them up. As they waited, Tina began to drunkenly complain about her younger sibling.
"He's such an entitled little twerp," she said.
"Brad?" Andrea asked. "I remember him being such a sweet, delicate kid."
"That was before puberty. Have you even seen him since we graduated?"
"I don't think so. How many days since he moved in with you?"
"Three. And he's already acting like he owns the place. Seriously, I don't know how such a puny little loser can be so arrogant. He has literally nothing going for him, despite his delusions of being some secret influential genius."
"He probably spends too much time online," Andrea suggested.
"Tell me about it," confirmed Tina. "Like all he does all day is play video games on Twitch. He's supposed to be staying with me so he can attend summer session at the University, but we'll see if he ever gets his butt from behind the computer screen. I already can't wait for him to leave in August."
"It's only six more weeks."
"Seven," Tina quickly corrected her. "I definitely used agreeing to let him stay as leverage with my parents when we planned the wedding. Great, here he comes, at last..."
Brad didn't apologize when they got in the car. In fact, he didn't say anything at all for the entire drive. When Andrea and her friend had piled in, she'd been left holding the still-packaged dildo because Tina was creeped out by the idea of holding it in front of her brother. Sitting in the back seat, she did her best to hide the sex toy from Brad's potentially catching a glimpse. But other than being able to see his face in the rear view mirror, the teenage boy's small stature made it impossible to see him in the front seat from where she was sitting.
When they got back to Tina's apartment, Brad lingered for a only a minute or two in the living room as the young women took up positions on the couch and began giggling recounts of the boozy escapes of the evening. Andrea couldn't help but think that, other than his uncomfortable laugh when he finally saw the dildo, Brad hadn't actually changed as much as his sister complained he had. He looked barely older than the last time she'd seen him, hardly the 18 year old that he'd just turned. He was still about an inch shorter than Andrea, who was 5'6". And he still certainly had a boyish face and build.
After Brad went to bed, Tina suggested they smoke a little pot before turning in themselves. Sitting on the couch in a stoned stupor, Tina grabbed the boxed dildo from the coffee table and opened it.
"Can you believe this thing," Tina said, withdrawing the silicone cock from the package. "And I can't believe Blake is the one who actually bought it. She literally hates dick."
"Seriously," agreed Andrea.
"Even more than you," Tina chided.
"I don't hate dick. I'm just looking for a man who respects women and isn't a complete self-centered asshole," Andrea defended herself. "His dick is actually totally irrelevant."
Not listening to her friend, Tina continued, "I mean, I like dick. But this thing's ridiculous. It must be twice my fiance's size. Could you imagine seeing a guy with a cock this huge?"
"Nobody has one that big."
"I know, right? Why do they even make them this big? I mean, it actually feels pretty realistic otherwise," Tina mused as she held the red, white, and blue fake cock by the suction cup at its base while stroking the veiny shaft with her other hand. "I mean, look," she said as she continued demonstrating the life-like quality of the dual-density silicone and then squeezing the rendering of the famously misogynistic politician's head, showing that it was spongy just like the head of a real cock.
"I know, it's a lot of effort for a gag-gift," Andrea said, watching with a stoner's intensity as her friend, who was unable to wrap her hand completely around its immense girth, resumed pretending to jerk off the dildo. "It's ridiculous."
"I bet you wish you had one this big," Tina said, pretending to mock the smirking face of the President perched about the rampant phallus.
Andrea laughed.
"If my fiance saw me holding this, he'd probably break out in hives," Tina mused before absently tossing the dildo on the coffee table. "Boy's are so sensitive about their penises."
"It's pathetic," Andrea agreed.
Tina went to bed shortly after, leaving Andrea to make a place to sleep on the couch. As she lay there, mind swirling from the alcohol and weed, she found herself growing restless.
Andrea normally dressed in a way that was as unsexy as possible in her mind, oversized Carhart work pants and baggy hoodies, and even for the bachelorette party had chosen a modest chunky sweater and pair of flowy pants, the girliest item of clothing she owned other than the dress she promised to wear for the wedding. To go to sleep, she'd stripped down to her panties and loose-fitting t-shirt (under which she had been wearing a bra). Tossing and turning under the bed sheet her friend had provided, Andrea felt herself begin perspiring despite her scanty attire.
To make matters worse, she kept catching herself, in her inebriated state, staring into the face of the Alpha Prime Premium dildo on the coffee table. At first she just tried to ignore it. At last she decided to move it, thinking: out of sight, out of mind.
Andrea grabbed the giant fake cock from the coffee table. She was immediately struck by how much it did feel like human flesh. The sensation caused her to pause, then fixate.
6.5 inches, she recalled the package listing as the dimension of the thing's circumference. Her hand couldn't enclose it. Next she squeezed the silicone "skin" up toward the arrogant Presidential visage.
Despite her disdain, she felt an electric surge of arousal course through her body. Her sweat increased, making her thighs slippery as she pressed them together, still gazing up at the giant dildo as he held it above her face.
She gripped it with both hands. She'd once dated a guy in college who swore to her that he had an 8-incher. She recalled that his dick barely extended past the grip of one of her hands; and that she'd had no problem wrapping her hand all the way around it, either. He'd been a terrible lay, barely able to hold back his cum after getting hard and completely uninterested in her enjoyment, or lack of enjoyment.
With one hand stacked over the other starting from the base, Andrea could fit 3 full hands on the cock before reaching the likeness of the self-satisfied creep that formed the massive imitation cock's head. She gripped the head in her fist as if trying to crush it, instinctively squeezing her thighs together with such force that it caused her back to arch.
